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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents cancelling babysitting

467 replies

Cara671244 · 10/07/2022 09:48

So me and dh were invited to a wedding back in February... wedding is in October. I asked my parents months ago if they would have dd for the wedding. They said yes. It's the whole day and night. So we returned the rsvp saying we would be attending.

Now my parents are after being invited to the evening part. They now want to go. My dd makes very strange with people and my parents are the only ones who have ever minded her.

I think it's unfair they want to cancel now but also realise they aren't obliged to mind dd either so who is being unreasonable here

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/07/2022 23:35

I tell you now as a fellow Irish person, if you both have to leave early or DH doesn't attend your parents will be frowned upon by all the DGP's in the place.

They'll be "the talk of the town" for years.

inspiration101 · 12/07/2022 00:12

i think your parents are being very selfish here, it’s your childhood friend who is getting married & you have been invited all day. will they really expect & allow you to leave the wedding after the meal so they can attend? J hi one could they enjoy the wedding knowing your not there to celebrate your friends wedding day & night.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 12/07/2022 00:36

Honestly, what kind of grandparents would rather spend a night at an evening wedding reception than looking after their only grandchild? To say nothing of giving their only daughter a wee break?

I've no helpful advice OP, but I hope you and your husband get to go to the wedding and have a lovely time.

marvellousmaple · 12/07/2022 01:25

I'd get your DH to harden up and ask his parents. If you've never actually asked they may say yes. It would be super strange not to. If they say no then mention you are busy this xmas and the one after.
If it is a no then With regard to your friend I would just have her mind your DD for the evening. Your parents can still do the daytime. Means less time for any dramas for your friend. Your parents can drop DD to your house on their way to the wedding and handover to your friend there. IF your DH does have to come home - unlikely really, it's only a few hours - then go home with your parents to their house and sleep the night there.

Harridance · 12/07/2022 07:53

Fivefor, can you not post without swearing, why so angry?

Roo4u · 12/07/2022 08:27

If i was the gp I couldn't sit at a wedding my daughter had to leave because of me , id feel so uncomfortable about it, I just couldn't do it to her , I know you're Irish but do you actually live in Ireland im in england and id gladly babysit for free if you were near me

HoppingPavlova · 12/07/2022 08:34

@Roo4u she doesn’t have to leave because of them, she has to leave WITH them (with her DH enjoying the day with her and then taking the DD of an evening when the arrive, or him going home in the evening babysitting is not working and then OP following g with parents. She is not doing this simply to make a point and carry on about it.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 12/07/2022 08:50

Harridance · 12/07/2022 07:53

Fivefor, can you not post without swearing, why so angry?

But MN isn’t that kind of site <shrugs>

You can report a post any time of course. MN will usually only delete it if it’s a direct personal attack, which may or may not involve swearing. If it’s a criticism of a poster’s style or approach then that wouldn’t really be a personal attack, although I’d accept that opinions vary in this area (and depending on what board one’s on).

Swearing is allowed on the site.

AnnandJane · 12/07/2022 08:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jessperry · 12/07/2022 08:57

Harridance · 12/07/2022 07:53

Fivefor, can you not post without swearing, why so angry?

I feel like you are just gunning for an argument?! You are commenting on a thread without reading the OP's post where the poor woman has had to point out many times she can't afford a babysitter and never normally goes out. Then when multiple people point that out to you (and others) multiple times you can't cope with a couple of swear words. Take the time to read the OP's post or don't comment at all. It's arrogant to think that in 300 comments no-one will have suggested what you have.

Mirw · 12/07/2022 10:08

Childhood friend so your parents do know her. You have said you don't see much of her so... Not their fault that the couple sent out invites to the evening but so much later. Why should they miss out probably catching up with old friends, her parents etc? Your daughter not theirs. So you go to the bit you can and they bring your daughter to the evening bit and you leave. Then both of you get to attend. The most important bit of a wedding is the ceremony, anything else is simply dressing! You probably have to start asking others to babysit so your daughter gets used ykto other people or decide that you and your DH are not having nights out until she is 16 and can stay in the house in her own. Your babbie, your choice. Don't be putting it on your parents.

ThorsBedazzler · 12/07/2022 10:17

Those people saying 'your baby, your choice" - have you never asked anyone to look after your child?

Also, do you make plans to go out, with a babysitter in place, but gently shrug your shoulders when they let you down because it's your baby, and being let down by a babysitter is your fault for replying on them?

I'm baffled by this constant blethering from Mumsnet that a parent must never ask their parents for any help in babysitting but must also make sure you only ever use babysitters to go out otherwise you are a martyr to yourself.

It's not surprising th OP hasn't had chance to have a babysitter in the last 3 years, I know in Ireland that for quite a large chunk of time the restrictions during Covid were tighter than in the UK.

Jessperry · 12/07/2022 10:23

ThorsBedazzler · 12/07/2022 10:17

Those people saying 'your baby, your choice" - have you never asked anyone to look after your child?

Also, do you make plans to go out, with a babysitter in place, but gently shrug your shoulders when they let you down because it's your baby, and being let down by a babysitter is your fault for replying on them?

I'm baffled by this constant blethering from Mumsnet that a parent must never ask their parents for any help in babysitting but must also make sure you only ever use babysitters to go out otherwise you are a martyr to yourself.

It's not surprising th OP hasn't had chance to have a babysitter in the last 3 years, I know in Ireland that for quite a large chunk of time the restrictions during Covid were tighter than in the UK.

Finally, someone who speaks sense!!

MamaBearof4 · 12/07/2022 10:41

They have been invited to the evening reception. They didn't know they were invited when they previously said they'd sit you little one, as only whole day invites had been sent.
Now circumstances have changed. Had all invites gone out at the same time, they would probably have told you they could only do the day babysitting anyway, so why not enjoy the day's ceremony and meal, and swap so your parents can also enjoy the wedding? I feel it would be selfish to force them to continue with the previous all day and all of the night commitment.
What would you have done if your parents originally had said they could only cover the day's childcare?

ThorsBedazzler · 12/07/2022 10:53

@MamaBearof4 the evening invitation isn't a summons. It's actually OK and legal to turn down an invitation, understandable if you have a prior commitment.

Essexgalttc · 12/07/2022 10:54

Could grandparents not look after your child during the day and then bring them to evening reception? Proving bride and groom have said this is fine? Yeah I do not think you’re being unreasonable with being miffed but I would also understand my parents now wanted to go. Is there no one else that can baby sit? Sorry - this is a very awkward situation x

SleeplessInEngland · 12/07/2022 10:58

If it were last minute I'd understand the annoyance but you can surely come up with a new arrangement for three months' time?

MamaBearof4 · 12/07/2022 11:21

Lol, I know that. So the parents could easily not attend and let the grandparents enjoy the wedding too. Or were you insinuating that the grandparents should decline, even if they really want to go?

Laisydaisy · 12/07/2022 11:24

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 10/07/2022 10:15

People shouldn't have to state their nationality to avoid rude comments

Show quote history

I don’t think any of it was meant rudely. Just some confusion over styles of speech. I think it’s lovely that different cultures have different idioms. I love some of the Irish phrases- and it is always interesting to know about and understand someone else’s culture etc

PancakesWithCheese · 12/07/2022 11:29

Proving bride and groom have said this is fine

They have. And it isn’t.

This thread is the equivalent of cancel the check!

PancakesWithCheese · 12/07/2022 11:29

Cheque. Ffs.

Lulu49 · 12/07/2022 11:36

Get them to bring her to the reception with them

ChinnyTroubles · 12/07/2022 12:05

Lulu49 · 12/07/2022 11:36

Get them to bring her to the reception with them

To a child free wedding? Especially when OP has already asked and bride has re-stated No.
How rude that would look

ChinnyTroubles · 12/07/2022 12:09

MamaBearof4 · 12/07/2022 10:41

They have been invited to the evening reception. They didn't know they were invited when they previously said they'd sit you little one, as only whole day invites had been sent.
Now circumstances have changed. Had all invites gone out at the same time, they would probably have told you they could only do the day babysitting anyway, so why not enjoy the day's ceremony and meal, and swap so your parents can also enjoy the wedding? I feel it would be selfish to force them to continue with the previous all day and all of the night commitment.
What would you have done if your parents originally had said they could only cover the day's childcare?

So you are one of those people who think it is acceptable to say Yes to an invite, then when something better (in your view) comes along, to bail on the original arrangement?!

ThorsBedazzler · 12/07/2022 12:10

@MamaBearof4 I'm saying that the OP was invited to the whole event and her parents agreed to babysit to let them attend. But now they have the evening invitation, the GP think it is perfectly OK to let down the OP in order to attend the evening reception.

It isn't OK. The GP made a commitment plus they don't know the bride and groom other than through the OP. They were only invited out of politeness not because they were second parents to the bride.