AIBU to think that Giles Coren wanking into his family’s sofa is revolting?

[unitedcolorsofbattersea]

I posted a thread earlier this week about Giles Coren’s article in which he used the words “fuzzy-wuzzies” which some Mumsnetterz assure me is seriously sophisticated satire, and not dog-whistle racism.

I wonder what Mumsnet thinks of Giles Coren’s article ‘Farewell to Palms’ which is about masturbation. It was originally published in Esquire but has mysteriously been removed from the internet, although I found a link to it on Twitter as it is still accessible via the Way Back Machine: (with a massive trigger warning!):
t.co/LK6tbWAISR

For those who think it is TL; DR:

• Giles cut a hole in his unsuspecting family’s sofa and repeatedly “fucked” it.
• He comes home early from parties and stays up doing cocaine and wanking until his knob was raw while his girlfriend was sleeping next door
• He likes to crack out a crafty wank while his children are waiting to be taken to school

Discuss.

However revolting and unhygienic wanking into a sofa is and then letting your unsuspecting family sit on that sofa, it is not a crime and no one should be wasting police time on this.

😐

I think it was the fact he said he watches bestiality porn rather than wanked on the sofa as a teen.

OK. Don’t discuss it. I don’t care. Lots of other people are discussing it, but it’s by no means compulsory to do so. As you rightly point out I’m not your English teacher. 😂

@Trixiefirecracker web.archive.org/web/20210729123937/www.esquire.com/uk/culture/news/a9819/giles-coren-masturbation-farewell-to-palms/

I don't believe this for a second. My hamster made a hole in our sofa and I cut my fingers sticking them in trying to retrieve it. It was all jaggedy and springy, most certainly not suitable for masturbation.

He is definitely getting worse. Suspect he is just going for this years edition of the Miriam Margolyes "I cannot believe I just said that out loud" Challenge cup.

I can’t help liking Miriam Margolyes. She’s also a bloody good actress, whereas Coren is short in height and short on talent.

if you didn't like Coren's story, you definitely won't like the part in Philip Roth's Portnoy's Complaint (1969) where the eponymous hero masturbates using, or makes love to if you prefer, some raw liver, having graduated from a cored apple and an empty milk bottle. He later returns the liver to the fridge and eats some at the family meal that evening.

In 1981, Roth told an interviewer at Esquire that “to become a celebrity is to become a brand name. There is Ivory Soap, Rice Krispies, and Philip Roth. Ivory is the soap that floats; Rice Krispies the breakfast cereal that goes snap-crackle-pop; Philip Roth the Jew who masturbates with a piece of liver. And makes a million out of it.”

I haven’t read Portnoy’s Complaint although I remember people discussing that scene in the novel when I was at university. I enjoyed American Pastoral though.

@unitedcolorsofbattersea Housekeeping found a hole in the seat cushion, which on closer inspection had been filled with shower gel and fucked <boak>

You're obsessed

What a disgusting vile man. Why would anyone do that, and even worse, make it public?🤮🤮

I suppose you have to see the funny side though…and it’s not hurting anyone.

I very strongly suspect he made it up.

Of course he made it up. He’s a writer and that’s what writers do. And while it isn’t particularly nice, he’s just doing it for attention and notoriety. Which is what he’s getting.

just going on your title "AIBU to think that Giles Coren wanking into his family’s sofa is revolting?" YABU to post thinking that anyone wouldnt think this is revolting??

Why would you make up the fact that you’d fucked your family’s sofa? I can understand why you’d make up something that would make you seem cool or heroic, but why make up something that makes you seem literally like a wanker or a pervert? I don’t get it.

I'm with you, it's within the realms of possibility for a teenage boy, possibly fiction, still very plausible.

I'm not even remotely surprised at a man tugging while his with herds the children, unfortunately.

Don't see why it would be made up, especially with such an in-depth read.

@unitedcolorsofbattersea I think he thinks he’s being funny. Not everyone has the same sense of humour though.

Dirty bastard excuse my language. I could not read all of that as he is just looking to shock people and gain more attention. Slimey git, does he not feel shame or embarrassment as he has a wife and children. Gross eewww enough never want to see his face again.

Some people thought he was bravely revealing his medical condition - a compulsive addiction to masturbating - while you think he’s making it all up to be funny. Personally, I just think he’s an attention seeking tosser. But either way I’m pleased he’s not on TV any more. I think every thread that people start that accuses him of racism/sexism/homophobia/perversion ensures that.

You appear to have somewhat of an obsession with this. Dragging up an article from some years ago and asking the same question on here over and over again.

The sofa incident was when he was a teenager. Teenage boys masturbate into all sorts of things. Ask your husband, if you have one. It probably wasn’t a good idea for him to write the article like that but what he’s describing is not that unusual. What’s unusual is that you are so fascinated by it.

No different to the teen boy at my school who regularly used his mothers doughnut shaped hair bun things as a wanking aid, perfect size and texture apparently.

No he didn't tell her about it, and I don't think he washed it either.

Also not sure it's any different to the countless teens who have sex on communal/family furniture either.

You've stretched yourself a bit too far to get some frothing here OP

@alphapie so you are ok with beastiality and incest porn?