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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my just 14 year old DD on a plane alone

251 replies

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:29

My DM is going to Spain this autumn for 2 months. She has done this a few times and usually I have gone over alone to visit for a few days or have brought my DC.

This year we have had lots of trips (Covid backlog) and with the DC have been on a 4 night city break with DM and the grandchildren (I paid)

I can’t go to Spain this year as I am short on holidays and have a couple of weddings etc towards the end of the year that require holidays and money.

DM is adamant that I send my DC alone on a flight over to see her. DS is 10 so it’s not even an option as they wouldn’t take him and DD is 14 but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable sending her through an airport alone.
DM is fuming - I am ruining her break, ruining it for DC etc.

She is a very dedicated granny and the DC love her so AIBU for not allowing my DC to travel?

OP posts:
parenthood1989 · 10/07/2022 09:13

Just seeing these replies yes my DD is keen to go, very much so.

I would do what I could to make sure she can go, if she is happy to fly alone all you can do is advise her on the what ifs, chick her some money for the airport and wave her off with a big smile. 14 may be young for independent flights but it's not too young and if she wants to do it I would help her.

manlyago · 10/07/2022 09:14

Is there any way they could both fly as unaccompanied minors in another airline? Mine have done that on KLM. It meant a stop in Amsterdam rather than direct but it was fine as they had help.

Failing that, if she’s keen and it’s not an issue for your 10 year old I would send her with strict instructions, having role played it!

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 10/07/2022 09:15

My DS flew many times to Italy unaccompanied, as his best friend relocated there, however;
Your DM needs to realise these are your DC not hers, she needs to respect your authority. She also needs to pack it in with the manipulative behaviour, "This will ruin my holiday" 🙄

overthinkingornot · 10/07/2022 09:15

I used to fly alone to Spain for half terms at my grandparents. It used to be BMI Baby back then but when they stopped, it became a service offered by the airports as opposed to individual airline. There was a lounge I had to check into after security that was all under 16s and then they would take us to our gates and board us with the airline staff. Have a look at the airport you'll be flying from and see if they still offer this or if you can book her into general lounge so she's not in the busy airport part waiting. You can also keep an eye on gate numbers via the airline apps so if you download it too, as soon as the gates announced you can always call her to prompt her to get moving.

parenthood1989 · 10/07/2022 09:16

just am not sure she would navigate it ok if anything went wrong

That's part of life and learning. I don't cope at all of something goes wrong in my day, I am autistic and it throws me and makes me so stressed I can't think. I still travel alone. I have learned it's ok to ask for help. So let your DD know who she should ask depending on what stage of the journey she might need help. The other thing I do is call/text DH who will talk me through what I need to do. Not knowing what to do if something goes wrong isn't something that drops into place at a certain age, but learning how to cope is something that happens by lived experience

ILoveMeSteakIDo · 10/07/2022 09:18

FrecklesMalone · 10/07/2022 00:44

It will be fine. She's 14. Hardly a young child. I went to Amsterdam with friends on our own for 2 weeks when were just 16 by bus and ferry. It was brilliant. She will be dropped off and picked up. Don't mollycoddle her poor kid.

So... Two years older and not on your own.

It's not really fair on the 10 year old to be stuck at home is it?

NoSquirrels · 10/07/2022 09:22

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 09:08

Just seeing these replies yes my DD is keen to go, very much so.

Although my DM is very responsible and loving in a daytime environment she can drink to excess and I suppose that’s also in the back of my mind. The thought that my DD may be left with my DM drunk DM. I can’t remember a holiday when she hasn’t gotten drunk so I don’t know if I totally can trust her not to drink to excess

That changes things quite significantly. If it’s not just the flight that’s the issue, then I’d be reluctant.

offyoufuckcuntychops · 10/07/2022 09:22

My DC are older, OP, and I'd have been fine with them doing this at 14. One did similar at 13.

notimagain · 10/07/2022 09:23

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 09:11

It is interesting how many people have or would do this. I know no one in real life.

Maybe I am a little overprotective, but thinking about it I just am not sure she would navigate it ok if anything went wrong

FWIW we did it with DD/DS travelling as individuals a few times, usually done with one parent at the departure end (busy'ish airport), the other at the arrival end (usually a very busy airport).

Back in the days when I was working on aircraft and even after our UM scheme bit the dust it wasn't unusual to encounter some very self assured 14 to 16 year olds traveling solo on flights (short haul and Long haul).

Ultimately it's down to each individual case and individual family decisions but certainly some young people are very capable of handling these sort of expeditions.

Weirdlynormal · 10/07/2022 09:26

I rather a controlled environment like this than a festival with their mates in 2?years.

I think you’re being too protective.

Weirdlynormal · 10/07/2022 09:27

It's not really fair on the 10 year old to be stuck at home is it?

life isn’t fair, get over it.

Abraxan · 10/07/2022 09:28

Blameofmylife · 10/07/2022 07:52

Wouldnt your son feel horribly left out?

Maybe but you'd just tell him he will get his chance when he is a bit older.

Surely children don't have to do exactly the same all the time, just because they are siblings. It's fine for one to do something without the other. Especially if there is a plan for them to do similar at the same age.

My brother and I went away with grandparents individually a couple of times. I went the first time as I was the eldest. No need for it to be an issue and it's good for the children to do things without one another every so often.

CallOnMe · 10/07/2022 09:29

I did this when I was young and I had never been on a plane before and it was fine.

My 14 y/o DD would hate it and so I wouldn’t make her go.

If you can stay with her until she gets on and DM is there as soon as she gets off then it’s fine but I wouldn’t do it if she needed to find her terminal and check in etc by herself.

When I was younger I was allowed to get on the plane before the others as the young, elderly and disabled were given priority and then we were shown to our seats which took the stress out of it all.

You know your DD better than anyone. It depends how confident she is with flying, being on her own etc.

Glitteratitar · 10/07/2022 09:30

I did it when I had just turned 14. I think I may have done it at 13 too. Both times to go and stay with cousins during school holidays.

Honestly, it was completely fine. My mum took me to the airport and I had my uncle waiting for me on arrivals. I had travelled enough times to know how it all works. It was super exciting for me and I felt like a grown up.

What are you worried about?

listsandbudgets · 10/07/2022 09:32

Nine times out of ten I'd say just send her it will be fine.

However, this year I would be more cautious. There have been so many problems with security queues, lost luggage, long delays cancelled flights etc. that I'd think twice about sending my very sensible and independent 16 year old DD abroad by herself.

Most likely it would all be alright but I'd certainly be more hesitant than normal

Tgif5 · 10/07/2022 09:32

I flew myself to Spain at that age, 11 years ago. I had experience travelling with parents and I was fine. Take her to security and wait untill she has passed it to leave the airport, then her gran wait's at the otherside. An airport is one safest places to be.

Abraxan · 10/07/2022 09:34

Dd would have relished this at 14. She was a confident flyer and been through the airport and flying procedure several times. I'd have been very nervous until she had landed and met my parent but she'd have loved it and would have coped fine.

I'd send with hand luggage only and no liquids. I'd pay for fast track security if available too. There is then no concerns at security and no potential delays for luggage. She could also turn up much later and not have so long to spend in the airport.

Depending on their (child and grandma) relationship she could also go with a friend perhaps, so there'd be two of then.

Mischance · 10/07/2022 09:34

It depends what your DD feels about it: if she is desperate to go and not worried about the journey then fine, go ahead.

But it is entirely inappropriate for your mother to be "fuming." What can she be thinking of?

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2022 09:37

@Abraxan i don’t think I would be too impressed with another parent if they had actively encouraged me to send my 14yo DC with their DC to spend a holiday with the gran, knowing the gran would be drunk.

Abraxan · 10/07/2022 09:38

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2022 09:37

@Abraxan i don’t think I would be too impressed with another parent if they had actively encouraged me to send my 14yo DC with their DC to spend a holiday with the gran, knowing the gran would be drunk.

I hadn't read the drunk dm bit when I posted to be fair.

Only the OP knows if her mum is responsible or not. I wasn't sure if it was maybe added as another reason to back to not wanting the girl to go or a genuine concern, as it wasn't in the OP.

Simonjt · 10/07/2022 09:39

I flew to Pakistan and back every summer on my own from the age of 9, the supervision service stopped at age 12. There was the odd delay etc, but its similar to a delayed train really, you just have to wait and keep an eye on the board for gate announcements.

Original poster
Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 09:51

@Abraxan In a way I don’t know myself. As I said my DM is quite wonderful in many ways but she really ‘turns’ and isn’t the most controlled drinker. I could perhaps ask her not to drink , that feels disrespectful but the issue is that 2 or 3 can very quickly become 10 and all bets are off.

Im probably projecting my own childhood memories which is not useful

I think what I may do is just pony up and go with all the DC which I resent a bit given we did several trips this year, one of which with my DM.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2022 09:55

How often do they normally see your DM?

Original poster
Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 09:57

@toomuchlaundry At least once a week, sometimes twice or more. Depends on what we are doing etc. Regular sleepovers etc

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 10/07/2022 09:58

I flew alone at 16 and found it a bit full
on saying goodbye to my mum at the airport, even though my friend and her dad were meeting me at the other side. What does DD think about it? Also is there any option of your flying out with her and the just flying back the same day?