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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my just 14 year old DD on a plane alone

251 replies

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:29

My DM is going to Spain this autumn for 2 months. She has done this a few times and usually I have gone over alone to visit for a few days or have brought my DC.

This year we have had lots of trips (Covid backlog) and with the DC have been on a 4 night city break with DM and the grandchildren (I paid)

I can’t go to Spain this year as I am short on holidays and have a couple of weddings etc towards the end of the year that require holidays and money.

DM is adamant that I send my DC alone on a flight over to see her. DS is 10 so it’s not even an option as they wouldn’t take him and DD is 14 but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable sending her through an airport alone.
DM is fuming - I am ruining her break, ruining it for DC etc.

She is a very dedicated granny and the DC love her so AIBU for not allowing my DC to travel?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:52

@toomuchlaundry No she hasn’t, trips to town etc with friends but not further afield.
@ItsDinah unfortunately Iberian are not an option

OP posts:
unicornflakegirl · 10/07/2022 00:54

Ordinarily I'd say go for it, but would use a different airline with an unaccompanied minor service so both children could go (if they want to and it suits you) , even if it meant grandmother meeting them at an airport that wasn't necessarily her closest one.
Try BA or Iberia websites.

However with current flight disruption I'd probably avoid for now. I had flights cancelled in the last few weeks after long delays and long queues and it was no fun.

If you do send them make sure they have travel insurance.

WhatWereTheSkiesLikeWhenYouWereYoung · 10/07/2022 00:56

Ok so if she does want to go, maybe do a dummy run with her? Book the cheapest flights you can find, fly to Belfast or Dublin or Edinburgh or something and back in a day, together. Go through the whole process explaining it as you go. The process is the same - scan boarding pass, take liquids and electronics out, go through security, find somewhere to sit, wait for gate to be announced, go to gate, get on plane (I realise you know all this already 😂). If she feels happy and comfortable with it then she’ll be ok on her own. It’s what I did with my dd when she was 12 and started using the train to go to her dad’s by herself.

Or just say no she can’t go. But it would be a shame for her to miss out if she wants to. I presume she has a phone and can phone you if at any point she gets confused about what to do next?

Typecast · 10/07/2022 01:00

What would DD do if there were delays at the airport?

WhatWereTheSkiesLikeWhenYouWereYoung · 10/07/2022 01:00

You could also get her to set alarms on her phone to remind her to check the boarding gate screen, absolutely last time she needs to be heading for gate etc.

A few years ago I was in france for the summer with my ex and our collective DC. His teenage son had a friend join us for part of the trip, he flew out and back at 14 on a budget airline on his own, having never done it before. Plenty of kids at that age do. But ultimately you need to be comfortable with it and if you’re not, just say no.

Ponderingwindow · 10/07/2022 01:04

If you can arrange to go with her to the gate and have grandma meet her at the gate, then it’s really no problem at all. I just have absolutely no idea if they do that for 14 year olds, I know it’s possible for younger kids, I just don’t know the age cutoffs.

I used to fly that distance all the time at that age. By 14 I had done it several times and really didn’t need a door to door handhold any more, but I each kid is a bit different. This was all long before security was tightened so it was much simpler. Mom was definitely allowed to take you to the plane and grandma could meet you just outside the gate back then without prior arrangements.

Mariposista · 10/07/2022 01:19

Don’t base it on age - it’s literally a number. How mature is your daughter? Is she used to doing things for herself? Is she keen to go? Maybe it would be nice for her to have a bit of a holiday in Spain with Gran - better than being sat at home!

user1477249785 · 10/07/2022 01:25

Look, I think this is down to how your daughter feels about it. Mine did it at that age - but she was comforted doing so. She has a phone. I didn't leave the airport until after the flight has left. Any problem, she'd have just come back out.

StClare101 · 10/07/2022 02:05

She’s 14! Yea you are being unreasonable.

unname · 10/07/2022 02:12

I voted YABU however it depends on factors like:

Does DD want to go?
Will she have to change planes?
How large are the airports one each side?
How mature is she?

I flew by myself at age 12. I was not nervous and thought my mom was being a bit ridiculous. I wasn’t remotely scared. However, she was allowed to escort me to the plane and it was before crazy people were invented.

I think it was a great formative experience. But you know your daughter best! And if you really don’t think she’s ready or it will push you over the edge, I see no big deal about just saying “not this year!”

Backofthenet20 · 10/07/2022 02:13

My niece at 15 travelled from the UK to New York by herself to come and stay with me . It depends on how confident they feel about traveling

CatChase · 10/07/2022 02:20

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:52

@toomuchlaundry No she hasn’t, trips to town etc with friends but not further afield.
@ItsDinah unfortunately Iberian are not an option

Given that, I'd say no. A cancellation or delay might be a bit too much. Trains are a good preparation and I assume she hasn't even had that.

Covidagainandagain · 10/07/2022 02:34

I flew alone at a similar age and even though there wasn't a specific service to look after me the flight attendants kept a close eye on me and made sure I knew where to go when I got off etc.

Having said that regardless of whether you want your child to fly unattended or not your DM can't just demand she goes over (does she even pay for the flights or are you expected to cough up for that). You are well within your rights to tell her that you already have plans for that time and unfortunately you all aren't available. Even if those plans are just 'no one flies abroad, we spend quality family time together'

I would get pretty frustrated at being expected to use up holiday each year just because my DM chose to go abroad and wanted company. It must really dictate your own holidays and how you sort childcare for the school holidays etc.

Nandocushion · 10/07/2022 02:51

My 14yo DS has just done a 3 hour flight unaccompanied from Canada to USA. He's not over confident overall but he's done the trip many times with me so he was fine with it. For various reasons we couldn't do this, but you should find out if you will be allowed a gate pass so you can take her all the way to the gate and wait there until she's on the plane - this is often an option, your DM could check at the other end, and then she'd just have the flight on her own. How would you feel about that, if it was possible?

TheSoundOfLunch · 10/07/2022 02:56

All these people blithely insisting “she’ll be fine”.

You know that a significant number of girls and women are sexually assaulted on flights each year? No way in hell would I do this if I wasn’t confident in the service (and it appears there is none).

zoomstyle · 10/07/2022 02:59

14 is plenty old enough to do this.

I travelled unaccompanied at 10 years old from the US to the UK, and this was before mobile phones.

It will be a good learning experience for her, a small step towards independence.

And presumably she'll have her mobile phone on her, so she can always call you for help if she needs it.

You need to stop freaking out and start working out what information she needs to confidently get through the airport on her own.

Aintnosupermum · 10/07/2022 03:05

My 3 have flown on their own a few times and we used the unaccompanied minor program. The difference was that in the US they really did look after the children. Our elder two have autism and I was very worried. Daddy dropped them off at the gate and I picked them up at the arrival gate.

On things like this, I think you have to trust your gut. You know your children best. If something happened you could never forgive yourself.

Pocodaku · 10/07/2022 03:06

I flew solo lots when I was much younger than 14, as my family lives all over the world. It was great fun! Airports are generally well signed and reasonably easy to navigate. If you rehearse the security procedures with her, she should be fine. She can also call you if she gets nervous.

Loopyloopy · 10/07/2022 03:12

TheSoundOfLunch · 10/07/2022 02:56

All these people blithely insisting “she’ll be fine”.

You know that a significant number of girls and women are sexually assaulted on flights each year? No way in hell would I do this if I wasn’t confident in the service (and it appears there is none).

Actual evidence or numbers, please. The most common perpetrators of CSA are male family members and friends, not random strangers.

Maybebabyno2 · 10/07/2022 03:13

TheSoundOfLunch · 10/07/2022 02:56

All these people blithely insisting “she’ll be fine”.

You know that a significant number of girls and women are sexually assaulted on flights each year? No way in hell would I do this if I wasn’t confident in the service (and it appears there is none).

Are they? I've never heard of this. Can you post a link to the stats?

Loopyloopy · 10/07/2022 03:16

I would let her go. Go to the gate with her, have her grandmother meet her at the other gate, and have her carry a phone with roaming enabled.

Is there really not an available carrier that does an unsupervised minor service?

Pallisers · 10/07/2022 03:27

On the issue of the flight, I'd probably consider it for my dd at that age if it was a one-stop flight and she was pretty savy and would stay in contact. My own dd did it at just aged 16 - a flight through Heathrow from US to Spain to spend time with her granny. We stayed in touch all the way. She had a great time. Granny was so delighted.

Granny didn't fume or demand or anything though. If she did I just wouldn't have bothered.

LAMPS1 · 10/07/2022 03:30

You are definitely not being unreasonable in your unease at being pushed against your will to send your dd alone on a flight to Spain. You know best. If you don’t want to do it then listen to your own instincts. Tell her no. Tell her you will parent your dd as you see fit and that’s the end of the end of the discussion.
Your DM has no right to insist, nor to complain that her break away is ruined by you not complying to her demands.

MeanderingGently · 10/07/2022 03:39

Honestly, it will be fine. Your daughter is 14 not 4! I sent my own daughter overseas at 13, the airlines have an unaccompanied child service. You hand your offspring over to an air hostess, who looks after them, gets them boarded and seated etc. At the other end they get them through customs and make sure they are handed over to whoever is collecting them. It works well.

Some airlines take younger children than this, when I was working in a boarding school, there were many youngsters being sent over from abroad for school terms, all unaccompanied. Not one of them ever came to any harm!

Coyoacan · 10/07/2022 03:57

I sent my 8-year-old dd on a 12-hour-flight by herself, changing in Manchester airport and she had a wonderful time.

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