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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send my just 14 year old DD on a plane alone

251 replies

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:29

My DM is going to Spain this autumn for 2 months. She has done this a few times and usually I have gone over alone to visit for a few days or have brought my DC.

This year we have had lots of trips (Covid backlog) and with the DC have been on a 4 night city break with DM and the grandchildren (I paid)

I can’t go to Spain this year as I am short on holidays and have a couple of weddings etc towards the end of the year that require holidays and money.

DM is adamant that I send my DC alone on a flight over to see her. DS is 10 so it’s not even an option as they wouldn’t take him and DD is 14 but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable sending her through an airport alone.
DM is fuming - I am ruining her break, ruining it for DC etc.

She is a very dedicated granny and the DC love her so AIBU for not allowing my DC to travel?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 10/07/2022 19:49

Have you brought her up to be resiliant, sensible and think independently? If not, why not? if yes, where's the problem?

I was travelling alone on planes from age 11. As were many of my peers.

darkdaysareover · 11/07/2022 06:35

MrszClaus · 10/07/2022 00:34

I flew on my own as a child loads, I loved it! So exciting.

Flying solo is a great fairly safe test of independence if she wants to. At 14 I'd have loved it.

Agree with this, I also flew solo as a teen and loved it. Ask your daughter how she feels about going, she may love it.

Apttag · 11/07/2022 06:45

The first time I set foot on a plane I was 14 and unaccompanied going to visit my French penpal and her family😂Seems quite crazy now (this was the 90's). But I honestly wasn't worried at all and it went well. I guess it depends on your daughter's confidence and whether she's a nervous flyer, I naively had nothing to compare it to in advance so perhaps that helped

GabriellaMontez · 11/07/2022 08:43

Brefugee · 10/07/2022 19:49

Have you brought her up to be resiliant, sensible and think independently? If not, why not? if yes, where's the problem?

I was travelling alone on planes from age 11. As were many of my peers.

Patronising. And ignorant. Children mature so differently. Some 14 year olds would be fine. Some need a little longer. This isn't a reflection on anyones parenting.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:44

@GabriellaMontez of course it's a reflection of parenting. How do you think children become resilient and Independant? They are taught.

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2022 08:49

Interesting on other threads parents would be horrified by someone proposing to leave an 11yo home alone for ages, but on this thread it was perfectly fine to expect them to cope on their own in an airport and plane.

alphapie · 11/07/2022 08:51

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2022 08:49

Interesting on other threads parents would be horrified by someone proposing to leave an 11yo home alone for ages, but on this thread it was perfectly fine to expect them to cope on their own in an airport and plane.

You really don't see the difference?

Christ alive

GabriellaMontez · 11/07/2022 08:55

@alphapie and some children learn quicker. And some are faster at other things. Hence siblings can develop and progress extremely differently.

WestHamPam · 11/07/2022 08:59

Flying solo is a great fairly safe test of independence if she wants to. At 14 I'd have loved it.

I agree with this. DD is 14 and has never flown on her own but I think it would be a great thing for her to do- just outside her comfort zone but actually very easy, so a proper confidence boost. To be honest flying is almost easier than eg getting trains or buses. It’s really very hard to do anything wrong.

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 11/07/2022 09:10

@Crestofawave2

What is the worst that could happen if you didn't go?

You say that you've been on several trips already this year, the timing makes logistics and finances tricky, and you and the kids see your mum regularly.

Yet you are considering dragging yourself through this visit because your mum is 'fuming' about a choice she has made and the fact you don't want/are unable to work your plans around her.

Honestly I think this might be a good time to start getting your mum used to the fact that not everyone says 'how high' every time she demands that they jump...this behaviour will only get worse as she gets older.

Valeriekat · 11/07/2022 10:00

I would have thought airport to airport was one of the same things you could do with children. See her through security, give her the gate number and off she goes!
At 14 she is certainly old enough and you can be on the phone with her and checking on flight radar until she lands.
Having said that I do still check everything when my 30 + year old sons are travelling!

Valeriekat · 11/07/2022 10:01

Not same...safest!!!!

Babdoc · 11/07/2022 10:10

DH and his brother used to fly alone to India from the UK, changing planes in Paris, from when they were 12, every summer holiday from boarding school, back in the 1960s, as their father’s firm posted him to Calcutta. That included coping with street riots when they arrived!
Your DD won’t even have to change planes, and there is plenty of assistance available at airports. I think modern parents are very much more protective than my generation, and I don’t think it helps their children to develop resilience and independence.

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2022 10:16

For those who used to fly alone as children as at boarding school I assume you had to learn independence and resilience quite early as being away from parents from a young age (interesting that boarding schools are usually very much frowned upon on MN)

alphapie · 11/07/2022 11:09

GabriellaMontez · 11/07/2022 08:55

@alphapie and some children learn quicker. And some are faster at other things. Hence siblings can develop and progress extremely differently.

The op has already admitted her DD is modded. Over protective parents have children with limited resilience and opportunities

JellyBellyNelly · 11/07/2022 11:19

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2022 10:16

For those who used to fly alone as children as at boarding school I assume you had to learn independence and resilience quite early as being away from parents from a young age (interesting that boarding schools are usually very much frowned upon on MN)

My children weren’t at boarding school. But they did have a grandma who lived far away from them and who they loved going to visit for their entire school holidays which were about 10 weeks. I’d meet up with them for a month to 5 weeks during the holiday also.

Musti · 11/07/2022 11:22

I travelled once a year from Heathrow to Spain on my own and my Spanish friend did so too from when we were 13/14. It was fine. However, i am not sure i would let my kids fly on their own so young haha

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 11/07/2022 11:25

I would let her go if your DD is happy. But I am considering letting my 8 yo fly alone (unaccompanied minor of course) as she is desperate to. I flew on my own at that age (14, not 8) - long haul and with layovers. But we lived aborad and I was veyr used to it/ happy to do it.

memyselfi · 11/07/2022 11:57

Seeing as she's keen to go I'd definitely let her.
How exciting for her , I would have loved that at 14 and it will built confidence.
You might want to have a chat about strategies if your DM gets drunk , although I'd be very angry if she did while in sole charge of your DD.
Just make sure she has her phone .

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2022 12:18

If you have to discuss strategies about how to cope with a drunken grandma when you are alone with her in a foreign country, it really isn't a suitable environment to be going to

manlyago · 11/07/2022 13:29

@toomuchlaundry exactly! Weird thread this.

tinx · 11/07/2022 13:35

Crestofawave2 · 10/07/2022 00:29

My DM is going to Spain this autumn for 2 months. She has done this a few times and usually I have gone over alone to visit for a few days or have brought my DC.

This year we have had lots of trips (Covid backlog) and with the DC have been on a 4 night city break with DM and the grandchildren (I paid)

I can’t go to Spain this year as I am short on holidays and have a couple of weddings etc towards the end of the year that require holidays and money.

DM is adamant that I send my DC alone on a flight over to see her. DS is 10 so it’s not even an option as they wouldn’t take him and DD is 14 but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable sending her through an airport alone.
DM is fuming - I am ruining her break, ruining it for DC etc.

She is a very dedicated granny and the DC love her so AIBU for not allowing my DC to travel?

@Crestofawave2

yanbu at all ! My mother in law wanted my 16 year old to fly over to her and it was a straight no from me, no way !

even if it was my mother it would still be no, nothing to do with it being mother in law

maybe when he is 17/18 I might consider it

you feel this way for a reason you are her mother so trust yourself

fyn · 11/07/2022 13:50

I flew to America at the same age on my own to stay with friends, it was all completely fine. I wasn’t accompanied, I made my way around the airport by myself and our friend picked me up at baggage claim.

LakieLady · 11/07/2022 13:52

AuditAngel · 10/07/2022 07:45

I think the answer depends on the child. DS(17) flew as an unaccompanied minor at 7 and had an amazing time. At 14 he would have been happy, confident and capable of doing this.

DD1(15) would not be happy, she would hate it. DD2(11) would probably be happy doing it now, and I’m pretty sure by 14 she would take it in her stride. I would allow the two girls together now, as DD2 is a lot more confident and would walk up to people to ask for help.

you know your child best

I was going to say the same. A confident and resourceful 14 year old would be fine, a shy and anxious one - no.

It sounds as though she's flown a fair few times, so knows the ropes, and the only time she'll be out of telephone contact will be on the plane.

How does she feel about the prospect? If she wants to go, I'd be minded to let her, I think. As long as your DM is going to meet her right at the exit from the arrival hall, I think it's fine.

One of my friends flew alone regularly from the age of 7. He loved it!

AryaStarkWolf · 11/07/2022 13:57

At 14 if your mother was going to meet her on the other end and your DD was happy to do it, I probably would