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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old son going on holiday with his mum and step dad ?

282 replies

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:05

First holiday abroad since 2019 and I invited my son along. He usually comes and it’s not usually an issue. This time I sensed my partner didn’t want him there. He didn’t speak to my son For most of the holiday and tried to exclude him a few times. I was really upset by this. It ended up with me and my son relaxing by the pool most days. I didn’t raise anything with my partner as I didn’t want to spoil the mood anymore than it was. We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home. Was I being unreasonable to bring my son?

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 09/07/2022 17:12

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:05

First holiday abroad since 2019 and I invited my son along. He usually comes and it’s not usually an issue. This time I sensed my partner didn’t want him there. He didn’t speak to my son For most of the holiday and tried to exclude him a few times. I was really upset by this. It ended up with me and my son relaxing by the pool most days. I didn’t raise anything with my partner as I didn’t want to spoil the mood anymore than it was. We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home. Was I being unreasonable to bring my son?

Hang on, you usually bring your son, but this time your OH makes him feel uncomfortable? You booked the holiday. Next time, only book a holiday for two -- you and your son. I'd be really worried how OH would behave if you were unwell or needed his assistance. If he wanted to spend time where it was just you and him, he could easily have said he would like to treat you when you get home, but no, he wants to sulk. OH is the one behaving like a typical teenager, not DS. OH sounds rather selfish to me. Not wanting to talk is a bad sign. 🚩

iklboo · 09/07/2022 17:14

my son would undoubtedly as him why he was being so withdrawn.

And the OP's partner would likely see that as a golden opportunity to kick off.

Carriecakes80 · 09/07/2022 17:18

I love holidaying with my 20 and 23 yr olds, it wouldn't be a holiday without them! They have their time, and I have mine with my husband, and we have a really good time. I know it wont resonate well with many on Mumsnet but kids, even adult ones, come first with me! If a partner is worth their salt, they'll get alone with my kids, if they don't then we aren't going to work very well in the long run!

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:20

iklboo · 09/07/2022 17:14

my son would undoubtedly as him why he was being so withdrawn.

And the OP's partner would likely see that as a golden opportunity to kick off.

So? She and her son pack their things and move to another hotel.

and the relationship is over (and I suspect never should have started)

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 17:29

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/07/2022 16:50

I think if you were with a man who had without consultation brought his 18 year along DS on what you thought would be a romantic couples holiday, the answers you would've received would be very different.

Nonetheless, there is nothing worse than a mardy arse sulker so I'm guessing the relationship is over?

But it wasn't without consultation and it wasn't ever a romantic holiday.

Are people not reading OP's posts? Here are a couple that make it very, very clear!

Yes I told my partner he was coming. I didn’t spring it on him. I also gave him the choice whether he wanted to come or not as I only booked it last minute.

this is the first family holiday since lockdown. This was never a couples holiday. My son is Welcome to come away with me anytime. I’m fortunate to be able to afford family and couples holidays. This was not put out there as a couples holiday.

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 17:31

ImpartialMongoose · 09/07/2022 16:54

Surely you would agree as a couple that you would invite him? I realise it's not been an issue before, but perhaps your partner thought that at 18, your son is old enough to stay home and let you both have a holiday as a couple. If your partner wasn't consulted then I can understand why this made him feel grumpy, perhaps he had been looking forward to some alone time with you. It's a lot of money and precious holiday time wasted if one do you isn't doing what they wanted.

He was consulted though.

Yes I told my partner he was coming. I didn’t spring it on him. I also gave him the choice whether he wanted to come or not as I only booked it last minute.

this is the first family holiday since lockdown. This was never a couples holiday. My son is Welcome to come away with me anytime. I’m fortunate to be able to afford family and couples holidays. This was not put out there as a couples holiday.

Holly60 · 09/07/2022 17:31

Oh OP I'm sorry. But the one question I'll ask you is - do you ever want to go on holiday with your son again? If you invite your son to go with you and your partner next year, he will say no.

For me it's a clear choice between your partner and your son. For me it wouldn't even be a choice. If anyone treated my DC like this I'd never see them again.

oakleaffy · 09/07/2022 17:31

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:09

he broke my heart when he said mum I feel like a spare part. I’m utterly annoyed with my partner.

That really is awful!
Your poor Son.
Your partner sounds like a jealous , sulky horrid man to make a teenager feel so unwelcome.

I'd be thinking again if that was my son. Some men can get very jealous over teenage boys.

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 17:31

Sorry @ImpartialMongoose missed your update where you realised he was consulted - my bad!

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:32

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 09/07/2022 16:44

It's sad how a few women here are so proud of caring more about their vagina than their child.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

i care about my own needs just as much as I care about my kids if that’s what you mean. Yes I do. No shame here.

oh and if I really was as bothered about my vagina as you say here I wouldn’t have had kids would I?!

Holly60 · 09/07/2022 17:32

Also - you can always get another partner. Your son is your son.

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:34

Say the OP didn’t consult

Say she and her son rocked up at the airport and her partner had had NO idea her 18 year old son was joining them (presumably though the DP knew the boy well as it’s been 4 years and liked him (as otherwise begs the question - why would the op think this holiday was going to work!)

anyway - my point is even on the scenario the op did mess up and didn’t bother to tell her DP she’d invited her son, it still doesn’t give this cretin any excuse to blank the boy!

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:35

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:32

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

i care about my own needs just as much as I care about my kids if that’s what you mean. Yes I do. No shame here.

oh and if I really was as bothered about my vagina as you say here I wouldn’t have had kids would I?!

Show quote history

Could have had a c section?

pointythings · 09/07/2022 17:38

You need a new partner, OP. You consulted him and he responded by treating your DS like shit - unforgivable.

My DC are 19. 20 and 21 and love going on holiday with me - we're not going anywhere this year but next year is it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:41

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:35

Could have had a c section?

Show quote history

I did actually 😂

PeterCannaeRun · 09/07/2022 17:46

Ds1 read the opening post, he is 19, he is coming on holiday with us and his 16 year old brother. We love spending time together as a family. Dh and Ds1 went to London together, had a great time. Where does all this not spending time with your children come from when they hit 18? Due to summer jobs, family holidays etc there is no mates holiday this year for Ds1. We are all looking forward to our holiday together.

Your partner knew it was a holiday for 3 and behaved appallingly.

70kid · 09/07/2022 17:46

Your other half is a dick
nothing less attractive than a grown man sulking ffs
is he 18
for what it’s worth I’ve took my adult son to Vegas Mexico, Miami San Diego and LA pre Covid

on all of these holidays it was just me and my son and we had a ball. Amazing memories and time that you don’t get back with them .

I left my DH at home as he wasn’t bothered about going 😂

lindyloo57 · 09/07/2022 17:46

Sounds as if your partner is jealous of your son, children are precious.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:47

All I’m saying is when you become a mum it doesn’t mean you always and forever have to put your kids first!

mums are people too! When do you get to put your self first if not when they’re adults??!

for me having a kid doesn’t mean I have to be on the back burner for rest of my life. Fuck that.

I believe it’s good for kids to see that their mother has feelings and is a person in their right.

I wouldn’t like it if my daughter sacrificed herself entirely for her own offspring why would I? It’s unnecessary

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:52

@LuckySantangelo35

i am aware of you on lots of parenting threads , most recently how you can’t bare child-centric holidays and one of the reasons you had one child alone.

You are invariably a lone voice or very much a minority in your stance to parenting.

Does it occur to you that many parents do genuinely put their children first. Yes, in front of their own interests.

I do. And I will be doing when they’re 18.

am resentful of that? No.
do I wish it was different? No
Am in the minority in having this stance? No

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:54

for me having a kid doesn’t mean I have to be on the back burner for rest of my life. Fuck that.

I believe it’s good for kids to see that their mother has feelings and is a person in their right.

I would be interested if you were to quote a single post that said or even inferred otherwise

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:58

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 17:52

@LuckySantangelo35

i am aware of you on lots of parenting threads , most recently how you can’t bare child-centric holidays and one of the reasons you had one child alone.

You are invariably a lone voice or very much a minority in your stance to parenting.

Does it occur to you that many parents do genuinely put their children first. Yes, in front of their own interests.

I do. And I will be doing when they’re 18.

am resentful of that? No.
do I wish it was different? No
Am in the minority in having this stance? No

@Bertieboo82

i don’t know if I am a lone voice really

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 18:00

@Bertieboo82

and you’re absolutely right I do only have one child for reasons which solely benefit me. As I say I feel no shame on this and probably the only thing that separates me from lots of parents is that I openly admit to it and as I say feel no shame.

funinthesun19 · 09/07/2022 18:01

Haha, the son is 18 - a man - he should be going away with his mates.

But he wanted to go with his mum though? Clearly to him not everything in his life is centred around his mates. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Cloverforever · 09/07/2022 18:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 17:47

All I’m saying is when you become a mum it doesn’t mean you always and forever have to put your kids first!

mums are people too! When do you get to put your self first if not when they’re adults??!

for me having a kid doesn’t mean I have to be on the back burner for rest of my life. Fuck that.

I believe it’s good for kids to see that their mother has feelings and is a person in their right.

I wouldn’t like it if my daughter sacrificed herself entirely for her own offspring why would I? It’s unnecessary

I think it's very sad that you see holidaying with your child in such a negative way. It's not putting them first if it's something you enjoy doing.

I took my kids away recently because I wanted to. We all enjoyed it, and I'd do it again.

I have holidays away with my boyfriend too, it's not an either or all situation.