18 year old son going on holiday with his mum and step dad ?

[Sharlsharkshark]

First holiday abroad since 2019 and I invited my son along. He usually comes and it’s not usually an issue. This time I sensed my partner didn’t want him there. He didn’t speak to my son For most of the holiday and tried to exclude him a few times. I was really upset by this. It ended up with me and my son relaxing by the pool most days. I didn’t raise anything with my partner as I didn’t want to spoil the mood anymore than it was. We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home. Was I being unreasonable to bring my son?

This is a massive red flag. My jealous stepdad pushed me and my DSIS out and is now my mum seems to be in a codependent, coercive control type relationship.

Please stick with your son. Your DP is a dud.

@ArcticSkewer

not talking about a random shag

talking about my husband

it’s nice to holiday as a couple. Don’t think that’s too much to ask for. Your life doesn’t have to revolve around your kids once they get past a certain age

It's not either or.
Both of my DC came on holiday with us right up to early 20s. They holidayed with friends as well. Once at uni they have plenty of holidays. DS2 (24) came away with us in April as he was keen to go abroad for the first time in 3 years. Both still come on UK short breaks with us, I usually get a house or apartment with room for all.

Do none of you women ever just want to holiday just with your partner? Just the two of you?!

@LuckySantangelo35

Here I am!
And the 18-year-old would rather not have him around.
It's not only an issue at night, if he has his room away from mine, but also an issue during the day.
However, it was clearly not an intimate vacation for her, and if they can afford other vacations....

@merhawwie

sorry I don’t know what you mean ?!

I’m in my thirties and my parents don’t get to go on holiday without me and DH 😂 We all enjoy each other’s company so much and like doing similar things on holiday so it just makes sense. It never got to a point where I stopped wanting to go tbh. Please don’t let this man make your son feel like this just because it’s not “the thing to do at his age”. Life is too short to care what people think. Lots of grown up children like to holiday with their parents.

@darwwin
Your case is different.
You are needed to baby-sit your little sister. :-(

He sounds like a spoilt brat and to make your son feel like that is just shocking. He is just upset as he is not the center of attention. That would be the end for me as could not forgive or forget that. He was sulking and tried to ruin the holiday. Your poor son I feel for him. I would not have a man like that living in my house as it would make things awkward. Is there anything he adds to the relationship or is everyone always walking on egg shells around him.

I like both kinds of holidays, family and couples. I really enjoy the company of my adult DC. They don't live at home now so it's great to spend time with them. DH I can see every day🤣.

As it happens I'm away with DH this week. DS is on holiday elsewhere with his GF.
DS came with us in April but not this time.

Kids always come first. Before everyone and everything else. Fundamental rule of being a Mum and parent.

Your DP sounds shitty. I'd be getting rid of him sharpish. Selfish bastard.

Could you have booked another holiday at the same time and placated him and said, look it'll be just the two of us in a few weeks/months.

All the same anyone that makes me kid feel crap makes me feel crap by proxy.

No thanks, I'd rather be single.

He’s jealous Of your son. Don’t let any man treat your child like this. You will loose him. End this relationship. If you don’t this is going to get worse.

@DailySnooze

Kids don’t always have to come first actually

its not a rule I live by as a parent. It’s not something that’s hurt my kid, it’s good for them to know they’re not the centre of the unniverse

and op’s son is 18, not a kid

We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home.

This doesn't really make sense. There are any number of reasons your partner COULD be annoyed. Perhaps he was secretly (thinking of) planning a holiday for the two of you and your booking this used the time or money he'd (in his mind) have allocated. Perhaps he wanted some time alone with you on the holiday but did an awkward job of trying to communicate that to your son (and you). Your son might also have been a bit oblivious about giving the two of you a bit of time alone - 18 is certainly old enough to split up for the day or evening. There's not enough info here to say.

Regardless, if your partner refuses to speak up about his wants, needs and issues - either proactively BEFORE the holiday, during it, or even after to make things smoother next time - then things cannot improve. If he was refusing to speak to your son at all during parts of the holiday, and if the two of you are "not speaking" now, that's quite a miserable, sulky state of affairs whether it's mostly your partner's "fault" or shared blame.

Your life doesn’t have to revolve around your kids once they get past a certain age

He doesn't want to go on holiday with his own nine year old either because it's 'not a holiday for him'.

@LuckySantangelo35 nah I disagree.

but that’s fine. Not everyone thinks the same way. my kids will always come first. I know some people view their partners as equally important but I don’t and won’t ever.

I can replace them, a partner, husband ultimately but I cannot replace my children. Ever.

if my partner behaved like this and made my kid at any age feel unwelcome then I’d not want to be around them for another second.

id find it disgusting behaviour.

Your son should always come first

Get rid of this horrible man

I bet my mum would have said exactly this about her children. She was wrong.

its not a rule I live by as a parent. It’s not something that’s hurt my kid, it’s good for them to know they’re not the centre of the unniverse
That is really not for you to say, you know? Your kid can think for themselves and may well not share your opinion on this.

There’s a lot of missing information. Did he know you were bringing him? Who paid? How long have you been together? Your son is an adult and your partner may not have wanted a holiday with him.

What a bastard !!! never let anyone hurt ur child or come before ur child
my girl is number 1 x

This - it's not going to get better, only worse.

When a couple and a +1 adult go on holiday as a three, then it's quite likely that the +1 is going to feel like a spare part, regardless of whether that's an adult son or just a friend. There was clearly a communication issue at the planning stage though.

OP says she told her partner she was booking a holiday for her and her son and asked if he wanted to come along with them. So it was supposed to be a mother and son holiday with boyfriend tagged on. Boyfriend obviously got the wrong idea and thought it was more of a couples thing and expected son to be mostly doing his own thing during the holiday.

And some of the posters saying they'll always put their kids first, even when the kids are middle aged is a bit peculiar. When parents stay together, they generally enjoy it when their kids fly the nest and they get some independent couple time back. So why should that be different with subsequent partners - you're effectively saying 'sorry but we'll never doing anything together unless my kids have turned me down first, you'll always be second fiddle to them'.

I’d be interested to know your DP’s version of this….there are a few lines in you posts OP which suggests there may be a different story here too. What do you think he might say? I haven’t searched for your other threads, so it may be as loads of others have piled on to say bin the arsehole is right, but I feel there’s a lot more to this…

I wonder if an interim solution would be to have a holiday with DS on your own if you could afford it? I realise this doesn't solve situation with DH, but they are two separate issues I think. I took DD away on her own a couple of times, as well as had family holidays. Her DF had put her through a lot during our divorce, and I felt she needed some time on our own.
I am part of a blended family.We had a few holidays when the kids were younger where we took all of them. 16, and 18 and don't get on.SD wanted to bring her rather difficult friend which would have increased the costs beyond what we could afford as well as making it more stressful. I refused and became the wicked SM. I find SD rather difficult, but do my best for DH. They weren't easy holidays as SD wants one to one attention continually from DH, ignores me completely, is rude, and is prone to having hysterical melt downs in public, having been repeatedly asked several times before if she is ok, and saying she is. She doesn't really get on with DD, and despite my bias, I believe that DD has done her best. They are now all in their 20's with partners and don't come with us anymore. I don't miss those stressful and expensive holidays, and had to bite my tongue on several occasions. However, you do it for your spouse in a well-balanced relationship. Good luck OP