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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old son going on holiday with his mum and step dad ?

282 replies

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:05

First holiday abroad since 2019 and I invited my son along. He usually comes and it’s not usually an issue. This time I sensed my partner didn’t want him there. He didn’t speak to my son For most of the holiday and tried to exclude him a few times. I was really upset by this. It ended up with me and my son relaxing by the pool most days. I didn’t raise anything with my partner as I didn’t want to spoil the mood anymore than it was. We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home. Was I being unreasonable to bring my son?

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 09/07/2022 12:33

He sounds very jealous of you DS, and the attention you give to him, I think you have discovered your partners true nature and he won’t change, get rid.

Hatsoff5 · 09/07/2022 12:35

What happend with the room situation? What did your partner say when you came back from holiday?

It would me the end for me too OP.

sandgrown · 09/07/2022 12:36

My ex was my son’s father but he still behaved like a twat on our last few holidays . He just wanted to sit and drink . There was a lovely little village 10
minutes walk away but he just wanted to sit outside the apartment. He sulked if I went for a walk with our son. He was a man child who wanted my undivided attention

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2022 12:36

I have to say I’m a bit surprised about the 18 year old wanting to go on hol with his mum!

At that age most people want to go on hol with their mates or gf/bf surely? I would never have dreamed of going on hol with my parents at that age.

also for all those saying it’s not weird, lovely that adult sons and daughters go on hol with them - do you pay full for them? Cos it must cost a fortune! If I had gone away with my parents I would have been expected to pay for myself depending on my earnings at least contribute

Noticingb · 09/07/2022 12:38

Ditch your partner
can’t believe anyones saying otherwise
even if your partner didn’t want him there I assume he’s a verbal adult and can use his big boy words to tell you

rather than exclude your son who is not at fault at all

5128gap · 09/07/2022 12:40

I think you were unreasonable going on holiday without making sure there was a shared understanding of who would be included.
That said, if my DP excluded my DS I would choose my DS everytime and definitely rethink my relationship with a man who would behave like your partner.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 09/07/2022 12:42

I think it's very toxic to have a partner who makes your child feel unwanted.

Crazykatie · 09/07/2022 12:42

2s company 3s a crowd, personally I wouldn’t have contemplated taking my son at 18, at that age they want to do entirely different things. Other friends and relatives I limit any stay overs to 2 nights if I can, in the past week long guests, or holidays have proved a strain.

Anonymouslyposting · 09/07/2022 12:42

Well I’m about to go on holiday with my parents and I’ll be 33! I really hope wanting to spend time with your parents isn’t meant to stop at 18 or I’m very weird…

I probably did a bit more independently on holiday when I was an adult and my parents did too so I can understand wanting a bit of space sometimes but you don’t need to make someone feel excluded to do that.

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 12:42

5128gap · 09/07/2022 12:40

I think you were unreasonable going on holiday without making sure there was a shared understanding of who would be included.
That said, if my DP excluded my DS I would choose my DS everytime and definitely rethink my relationship with a man who would behave like your partner.

How did she not do that?

I said I’m going to book a holiday for us three to go away.

Yes I told him my son was coming.

Yes I told my partner he was coming. I didn’t spring it on him. I also gave him the choice whether he wanted to come or not as I only booked it last minute.

If he didn't understand who was coming after all that then he isn't listening to her at all is he?

MrsKeats · 09/07/2022 12:44

My two kids in their twenties come on holiday with me and their stepdad.
We have loads of fun.
He's being ridiculous.

LeoOliver · 09/07/2022 12:44

I think most 18 year old travel with their parents because it still school age - I'm surprised that a lot posters are shocked a teenager would travel with their parents! I assume most parents would probably pay as well!

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 12:45

I couldn't be with such a petulant manchild and / or someone who made my child (whether young or adult) feel bad when they've done nothing bad.

Your son did absolutely nothing wrong and yet your partner tried to exclude him and made him feel shit just for being there.

What a horrible little prick.

Why are you still with him after this?!

KosherDill · 09/07/2022 12:46

Why are you in this relationship? Do you live together?

MumW · 09/07/2022 12:48

We would have had a big row and he would have stopped speaking to me for the whole holiday.
Red flag

He mentioned that I fuss over my son a lot also at dinner while we were on the holiday in front of my son.
Red Flag

I have suggested we book another holiday with his kids ...
... He doesn’t want to as says it wouldn’t be a holiday for him.
Red flag beginning to see why he's not with his ex

He paid for his holiday only.
This is not the behaviour of a couple/partnership.

This bloke is not a keeper.
^This

hertylop · 09/07/2022 12:48

Helpyou · 09/07/2022 10:17

I never really understand the view from many people that holidays with parents must stop at 18. What is wrong with holidaying with people you enjoy spending time with? Obviously the finance side of things is between each individual family. But I'm nearly 30 and I would still occasionally holiday with my parents. Why not? It's a nice way to spend time with them.

Totally agree

RewildingAmbridge · 09/07/2022 12:51

I had the best time on family holidays at that age, I have a brother who is two years younger so we had more freedom and I still went away with friends too!

He sounds awful OP and that he won't take his own DD away, because it's not a holiday for him speaks volumes.

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 12:52

Saw your other thread about this OP.

He's just an arsehole. He's not in your corner and he's not nice to you.

He's now also not nice to your son.

You'd be mad to stay with him.

Oh and I think it's perfectly normal for lots of 18+ year olds to still enjoy holidays with their families, loads of people in their late teens do so.

5128gap · 09/07/2022 12:53

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 12:42

How did she not do that?

I said I’m going to book a holiday for us three to go away.

Yes I told him my son was coming.

Yes I told my partner he was coming. I didn’t spring it on him. I also gave him the choice whether he wanted to come or not as I only booked it last minute.

If he didn't understand who was coming after all that then he isn't listening to her at all is he?

Show quote history

Sorry, my mistake. Missed that. She is 100% NBU.

Mamamia7962 · 09/07/2022 12:56

OP - Why did he think you were fussing over your son at dinner? What were you doing to make him think that?

ScrollingLeaves · 09/07/2022 12:57

Sharlsharkshark · Today 10:09
he broke my heart when he said mum I feel like a spare part. I’m utterly annoyed with my partner.

No you are not unreasonable. You missed having a family holiday for all those last years of him being a child within his family so to speak; and even if you hadn’t, unless you have numerous holidays and could have left your son out for one of those so as to be alone with your partner, of course you would take him.

I am so sorry, this must have been heartbreaking for you.

Coldnoseandtoes · 09/07/2022 12:59

At 18-21 I went away a few times with my mum and her partner at the time. They also had trips alone. It's perfectly normal to do both, imo, and her partner would never have treated any of us like this.

If he wanted a couples holiday he should have spoken up before anything was booked, going away and acting like a brat the entire time is stupid and selfish.

itsgettingweird · 09/07/2022 13:03

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:30

Yes I told my partner he was coming. I didn’t spring it on him. I also gave him the choice whether he wanted to come or not as I only booked it last minute. He was annoyed it was last minute.

He just sounds generally unpleasant.

Me and ds are going away together for his 18th this summer.

I also don't get the whole "they won't want to come at that age".

amusedbush · 09/07/2022 13:05

I think the "18 year olds shouldn't go on holiday with their parents anyway" camp are forgetting that the poor lad was 15 or 16 when lockdown started and probably hasn't had many opportunities to go away since then. Or he just - brace yourself! - really likes his mum and wanted to spend time with her.

Either way, the stepdad is a twat of the highest order and behaved like a spoiled, stroppy child. It's embarrassing, frankly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/07/2022 13:06

Unless you have numerous holidays and could have left your son out for one of those so as to be alone with your partner, of course you would take him

That's why I wondered about the "4 previous holidays" where OP says there wasn't an issue, what discussions were had about the arrangements for those, and how things moved from that to this

It's perfectly true that the OP doesn't sound pleasant by OP's account, but before damning folk too much I find it can be useful to have a little more context

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