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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old son going on holiday with his mum and step dad ?

282 replies

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:05

First holiday abroad since 2019 and I invited my son along. He usually comes and it’s not usually an issue. This time I sensed my partner didn’t want him there. He didn’t speak to my son For most of the holiday and tried to exclude him a few times. I was really upset by this. It ended up with me and my son relaxing by the pool most days. I didn’t raise anything with my partner as I didn’t want to spoil the mood anymore than it was. We have now returned home and we’re not speaking only because I said we need a chat when we get back home. Was I being unreasonable to bring my son?

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 09/07/2022 11:13

Your oh sounds like a self centred, sulky man child if taking his 9 year old daughter away wouldn't be a holiday for him.

Is there anything positive about this man?

MermaidEyes · 09/07/2022 11:23

MagpiePi · 09/07/2022 11:13

Your oh sounds like a self centred, sulky man child if taking his 9 year old daughter away wouldn't be a holiday for him.

Is there anything positive about this man?

Yeah this. Probably thinks it's 'mums' job and not his.

bluebeck · 09/07/2022 11:24

He sounds bloody awful.

Doesn't even want to go on holiday with his own DD!!!?????

I would bin him off OP - who needs him?

IsAnybodyListening · 09/07/2022 11:24

You have said he didn't speak to your son for most of the holiday, and also tried to exclude him a few times. Your poor son! That is not a healthy family dynamic at all. If that had been me, i would have prioritised my child and told the man to fuck of back on a plane frankly.

Poptart4 · 09/07/2022 11:25

YANBU he knew your son was going, if he didn't like it he should have spoken up before hand.

The fact that you were afraid to have it out with him on holiday because you knew he would spend the whole holiday ignoring you and causing even more of an atmosphere says alot about the type of man he his. I don't like how quickly people jump to LTB on MN but it does sound like maybe you should consider if this is the kind of relationship you want.

I hope my children are still going on holiday with me when they're 18. How lovely your son still wants to. I hope this experience hasn't put him off future holidays with you.

Eeiliethya · 09/07/2022 11:27

I agree with @Poptart4

The fact you felt you couldn't discuss this with him on the holiday for fear of reprisals speaks volumes in itself. That is not healthy. Bin.

AubadeIsIt · 09/07/2022 11:27

Bin!

shinynewapple22 · 09/07/2022 11:35

@Marvellousmadness why the eye roll at an 18 year old holidaying with their parents ? Just because your teens don't want to holiday with you, doesn't mean that other teens don't want to holiday with their families . Assuming you do actually have a DC this age or older given your own assumptions about them?

Dancinginthedark01 · 09/07/2022 11:37

Even if he didn’t particularly want your son around, he should have made the best of it and included him and joined in the holiday fully.

Dic · 09/07/2022 11:37

Throw this one back.

DitzyBluebells · 09/07/2022 11:39

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:29

The reason I didn’t mention it on the holiday is because I didn’t want to spoil the mood any further. We would have had a big row and he would have stopped speaking to me for the whole holiday. I didn’t want to subject my son to that and make him feel any more awkward

Or to word it another way... You altered your behaviour to appease him, by not sticking up for yourself and your son, because the consequences of doing that would have been intolerable. Your son will now decline any further family holidays with this man due to how he made your son feel... Control 101. Job done, if you stay with this arse.

GiselleRose · 09/07/2022 11:44

Sharlsharkshark · 09/07/2022 10:35

We’ve been on 4 previous holidays before. It’s never been an issue before. He mentioned that I fuss over my son a lot also at dinner while we were on the holiday in front of my son. He’s so rude and disrespectful. I’m so hurt. He has shown his true colours.

That would be enough for me.
Plenty of great holidays ahead with your lovely son.

lonelydad2022 · 09/07/2022 11:52

Why he behave like that? It's awful.

Mally100 · 09/07/2022 12:02

HoppingPavlova · 09/07/2022 10:31

Wtf is wrong with him. If anyone had of done this to any of my kids when they were 18yo (or indeed ANY age, even older), I would have had their stuff in bin bags out the front the second we returned. What a complete cunt.

This. Dump him. Your poor ds feeling so unwelcome.

Stupidpeoplesuck · 09/07/2022 12:04

You’re being unreasonable by not telling your partner to back off, he clearly needs to be told!
Not many 18 year olds want to go on holiday with parents, and you should be grateful he does, not allow your partner to be rude.

Babyroobs · 09/07/2022 12:08

I think I'd have tried to invite a friend of your son's along too so they could go off and do their own thing, but your partner sounds pretty horrible. If he didn't want him there why on earth didn't he say something at the time of booking?

Cloverforever · 09/07/2022 12:11

I've just been abroad with my 22 and 18 year old, plus my boyfriend, and had a fa btime.

I find it really sad when people believe it's odd when a child gets to 18 that they want to go away with their parents anymore. It's one of the nice bits of parenting that helps balance out all the shitty bits!

Takeitonthechin · 09/07/2022 12:14

I'd love my kids to still want to come on holiday with me at that age... what's wrong with your hubby, tell him to grow up

VioletInsolence · 09/07/2022 12:15

I could never be with a man who even slightly resented my sons. Probably why I’m single as it feels like they’re just waiting to get me to themselves.

Takeitonthechin · 09/07/2022 12:18

I'd just tell him straight out, that it's not working between you and you want him to leave straightaway... don't let him give you anymore silent treatment, rude man, he needs to grow up!

greatblueheron · 09/07/2022 12:26

He doesn't really sound like a keeper, OP.

negomi90 · 09/07/2022 12:26

I'm 32. In 2 weeks I'm going on a family holiday to Portugal with my mum, step dad and their 18yo twins.
I'm paying my way and I've even paid for an extra large hotel room so the twins will share with me (and save my mum money as she's not paying accommodation for them) but I've never stopped doing family holidays.

Roselilly36 · 09/07/2022 12:27

His feet wouldn’t touch if he treated my DS’ like that. Partners can come & go, stand up for your DS. If your partner didn’t want your son there on holiday, should have spoken to you privately before it was booked, most 18 holiday with their mates, but it’s nice that he wanted to come on holiday with you. He doesn’t deserve to feel excluded/unwanted and have the silent treatment from your partner. Why didn’t you speak up when your partner first started this behaviour?

Ourlady · 09/07/2022 12:28

How long have you been together OP?
Do you live together?
This bloke will forever cause problems with your Son if you stay with him. He’s all about himself and nobody else matters(even his own kids it seems)
I would get rid.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/07/2022 12:32

I told him my son was coming

Told, or discussed it together? (especially if those 4 previous holidays have also included your DS)

Of course it's lovely to include him, but more context is needed around whether your OH might reasonably expect to go away on your own - though from your comments about communication it seems there are bigger issues and it may all be a bit hopeless anyway