Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

YANBU to feel hurt by this, and if you feel it's better to pull back then do that.

But, pulling back won't help build a better relationship, if you don't think it's worth trying anymore then YANBU for doing that

I'm just sick and tired of making effort with people and getting zero back.

To be fair you say she comes to visit you regularly so she is putting in a fair bit of effort. How often do you visit her?

I understand you are disappointed but I think your reaction is quite extreme and not necessarily accurate. Sorry.

@KittyMcKitty no need to be sorry, I am asking for honesty and I know AIBU is the place for that. Granted we don't visit as often as they do as we don't drive and have 3 children and it's a long way from us, topped off with BIL working odd shifts and weekends and her working long hours, but I always make effort to contact her to have a chat at times when neither of us are visiting the other. She's been talking a lot to me about the wedding and so it's left me feeling hurt that I wasn't given the option.

Sorry but I think YABU, it’s clear you don’t have the best relationship and if I was her I’d want my real friends and valued family and not to feel like I had to invite someone out of duty

Dont change your behaviour or make it be a personal thing against you, just act normally
and take the high road. Going tit for tat is not going to go well long term

I think tbf she might feel her hen do is for her friends and family and not your brother in law's. I didn't invite any of my husbands family or my brother's girlfriend etc.

I didn't get invited to my spouses sisters hen. I was a bit hurt but I guess she just wants her actual friends by choice rather than friends because we're kinda related there

It's her hen night and she can invite who she likes. You might get on well and see /speak often, but might not have a really close, personal connection with her that's often associated with hen nights.

Maybe she thinks you would not be into the activities they are doing? I have never been to a hen night, and never will, as people know I would rather re-sit my A-Levels than go to one. Just not my thing.
Yabu. Sorry.

I wouldn't invite my husbands, brothers wife. Particularly if I'd had issues with her in the (recent) past. A hen do isn't (necessarily) a family event.

It's great you're both making an effort with one another now and hopefully an organic friendship can come of that but I don't think she's in the wrong.

YANBU, it’s mean of her not to invite you, if she’s invited your MiL then why not you? I’d ask why- just ask in a “hey how come I didn’t get an invite?” It sounds like you have a fairly decent relationship to me if you are both equally messaging each other and visiting. I’d be hurt too

Maybe she thought you wouldn't come?

I went on my ex SIL's hen do to Ibiza. She also had a local meal to include those that couldn't make it. The other SIL had to be talked into going to the meal by MIL because she was offended about not being invited to the Ibiza trip. She would have had a 3 week old baby at the time so it was assumed she was busy!

Anyway if it's something you would feasibly have gone to I can see why you're miffed.

I can understand you being hurt, but tbh it didn't even cross my mind to invite anyone but a small group of friends to my hen do - it wouldn't have crossed my mind to invite relatives.

I don't think YABU to be hurt, but I do think YABU if you only speak to her if she speaks to you - that seems a bit childish.

@Jj2431 I can understand why you're hurt.

However, I do feel it would be slightly childish to retaliate by backing off.

It sounds like they make effort with you. They're making sure your kids have a relationship, and visiting so they spend time together.

I think hen parties can get a bit ridiculous if you're having to invite people from both sides of the family to be polite. I'd want mine to be my closest friends and family only.

You are sister in laws. It is absolutely fine to be friendly, make an effort etc but not see eachother as close friends. I doubt she doesn't like you, as tbh you've said yourself they visit more etc and she's chatting about the wedding to include you, but I'd say she just wanted the hen to be those closest to her. Which makes complete sense if you ask me.

Oh good god DO NOT do this, especially as OP is wondering if she will be blamed for drama this close to the wedding.

The MIL is presumably the bride’s mother which is why she got an invite over the bride’s brothers wife

YANBU to be hurt but I do think you need to take a step back and chill. Who is invited? Is it a very specific friendship group? Not all hen dos involve everyone. Is there someone you can talk to about what they think?

All you can do is breathe, realise that she didn’t think it would work for some reason and try to let it go. And perhaps talk to her at a later date.

I agree, do not do this, she has her reasons which may be complicated or down to sheer numbers, and honestly OP in the grand scheme of things apart from a brief mention at the wedding maybe no one will remember or talk about the hen night after it's been and gone!

I think it depends what the row was, who is considered to blame and how it was resolved.
Sometimes people just can't completely get over things. They put a face on it superficially to keep the peace but they don't ever feel right about the person again, trust has gone, can't forgive. Could this be it?

In answer to who is invited, her family, close friends and MIL who is her husband to be (my husbands) mum. I would have 100% gone, hurts to not have been given the option but hey ho.

Oh I hate this trend for hen nights to include the groom's family. The whole point of them is that it's your mates and family - not his.

@5128gap could be. Both at fault. Started with her going behind my back but my reaction was ott and hurtful to her. I apologised a few weeks after. She never apologised to me but eventually came round to talking to me. I moved on, thought she had and that we were becoming closer.

I’m sure she does like you but your are not in her top 10/20/however many people.

Having seen your update about the row and her invite list I can see no reason why she would invite you.

You aren't on par with her husbands mum. You're her husbands brothers wife!!!

I think you're being vvvvvv unreasonable

YANBU to feel hurt at all.

But in the grander scheme of things, I'd keep friendly even if it is just superficial and for appearances sake.

She probably had to invite MIL for family politics whether she actually wanted to or not. Aside from MIL it sounds like it’s all the bride’s family and friends; you’re the groom’s side. Would you feel as hurt if MIL wasn’t invited?

I think Hen party's are for people she feels she can relax with and enjoy, not inlaws, I don't really get on with my sister or cousin and I didn't really know my sister in law so didn't invite them to mine. I think you are being a bit overly emotional about it tbh.