Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

While you're getting on better (which is great) would you have any kind of relationship with her if you weren't married to brothers? If not there's your answer. It seems like she sees you more as an acquaintance than a friend. Which is fine.

In your shoes, i may have liked an invitation but I certainly wouldn't expect one.

@Ponoka7 Are you the bride? You seem to have background info on this

You know the OP?

So it’s just her mates and the mums? And you’re thinking of behaving in a punitive manner? You don’t make the effort to see them often, And you wonder why people might not really want to make an effort with you?

@Jj2431 are you sure MIL is going to the Hen and not going down to care for the children while she goes on her hen?

Honestly it would be friends only at my Hen and family for a different Hen.

I have a good relationship with my sister in law and we see each other regularly take care of each other's children but she would be at the family hen.

@ShirleyPhallus @notanothertakeaway I did wonder how Ponoka7 knew so much....after that I went through OPs posts and threads and couldn't find anything!

Where’s all this coming from? Another thread?

I’m a bit uncomfortable with posts criticising the OP for needing help with anger management. Isn’t getting help supposed to be a positive step if you recognise there’s a problem?

I thought as a cop with kids she didn't use mumsnet so if she does then that's just another lie to add to the list 🤣

Hen nights are normally friends/close family you get on with her as your dh brithers mrs that's all? You are t close friends by choice it's just a situation where you get on as she's your dh sil.

Don't take it to heart she's probably just having a small get together.

If you really called her a fat ugly cow to her face then you're a bit deranged if you think she likes you at all.

Oh I found the other thread. Blimey

You're being completely unreasonable. You're only family by potential marriage to your husband's brother. Just chill.

Gosh. Quite a few threads about falling out with family members.

Leave it OP. Given you also had a similar falling out with your other SIL then I can see why you’re not invited.

what other thread?

I saw your other thread.

Staggered you think you should have had an invite all things considered!

You're her SIL, not her close mate. She's nice and civil to you. You check in with each other on messages and visit each other. Your kids get on.

You'd be at arms length permanently due to your previous behaviour, if I was in her shoes, so hats off to her for putting that to bed and making the situation more comfortable for everyone.

Don't get all dramatic and angry again by making this a big deal.

It's her hen do. It's nothing to do with you. It's just a get together with some of her closest people and you aren't one of them. That's it.

Don't make this about you and cause drama before the wedding and on an ongoing basis

She's a saint for ever speaking to you again after calling her nasty names.

She shouldn't even be inviting you to the wedding!

Do you not realise you can't just say sorry about something like that and that's it??

You said on another recent thread that " always think I'm not good enough as it is and then it feels like this sort of thing confirms it" and that you hate being so sensitive.

Instead of falling out with people or assuming they've fallen out with you, planning retaliations, reacting in anger etc focus your energy on working on the above within yourself.

Maybe some counselling as this sort of thing seems to happen a lot to you when in reality I think perhaps nothing much is happening at all, you're just projecting your issues with self esteem onto situations and making them a million times worse?

I’d have been relieved not to be invited tbh but then I’ve become quite unsociable in my 50s.

YABU to not want to make any effort with her because of this, there could have been any number of reasons why she didn’t invite you, I wouldn’t take it to heart.

Are the police not allowed to use MN?

Leave it and don’t say anything. If you cause another row you may not be forgiven this time…..Think of your husband if you start getting angry, it’s his family you are potentially upsetting and causing problems with.

Being invested in what they invite you to is also making a huge effort. Try to see people as weird things that make strange decisions. Do something else nice and be done with it. She will have her reasons but who cares?

Yes, this is the issue people are missing when they're telling you that hen dos are only for this group or that, and they only had their best friend of 30 years and so on, so therefore YABU to be hurt.
The fact is, your MIL basically lied by omission telling you she was visiting, rather than visiting to go to the hen do. Which indicates she at least doesn't think its perfectly normal that you weren't invited, or why conceal it?
That said, I really wouldn't let this be a deal breaker in your relationship. You had a rift which has started to heal. Its sounds like you're further down that path than her, which is a shame, but there it is. If you want things to continue down the positive path, I'd let this go and carry on as you were. Saying something is risky to your already fragile relationship.

The fact is, your MIL basically lied by omission telling you she was visiting, rather than visiting to go to the hen do. Which indicates she at least doesn't think its perfectly normal that you weren't invited, or why conceal it?

And maybe she felt in an awkward position and didn't want to make it more awkward by mentioning the hen do?

Or maybe she thought OP should have been invited but it wasn't her decision to make, so on reflection she felt it was kinder not to mention it to OP?

Or maybe she's sick of drama (as it sounds like there's been a fair bit between OP and SIL) and just didn't want to add to it or get involved and knew that mentioning the hen do would set OP off / set in motion drama again?

This really doesn't need to be a big deal. It's a party. OP wasn't invited by SIL. They have a history of drama including OP calling her an ugly fat cow. To her face. Hardly a massive shock she isn't on her list of nearest and dearest, is it?

OP. Stop the drama. Stop looking for ways people have wronged you. Stop looking for ways people are being 'off' with you. Be pleased SIL is civil with you after all that's happened. Life's short. Move on.

OP. Stop the drama. Stop looking for ways people have wronged you. Stop looking for ways people are being 'off' with you. Be pleased SIL is civil with you after all that's happened. Life's short. Move on

^ This - I don’t know what the other thread is but it sounds like your sil is putting effort into improving the situation between you. Not being invited to her Hen do is a non event so don’t make it one. You’ve agreed your sil is putting more into your relationship then you are (she’s the one doing all the travelling!) - stop making this into some massive conspiracy against you!

YNBU to be hurt but I would be quite glad not to have to go to London in this heat. She probably thought you wouldn't be able to make with 3 small children and not driving
I wouldn't take it personally tbh.