Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

I think it clearly being discussed and kept from me is what's getting to me the most tbh. Makes it seem so pre planned to exclude me on purpose when I've done nothing wrong and I thought we got along

OP, it's not about you. It's her hen night, and she's entitled to spend it with close friends and her close family.

If anyone has tried to keep anything from you, it's almost certainly because your propensity to think the worst of people and make it all about you and what people think about you.

I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds as though people in your life are possibly tiptoeing around your OTT reactions to normal stuff.

I think you're correct in that you need to believe someone when they SHOW you who they are and what they think of you. And she has given you mixed messages - talking about how close you will be etc re. children as cousins and then doing this.

In your place I would pull back a little too. Not too far that you cannot ever come back from it though. Don't be OTT again, like you were last time.

What did you originally fall out about? How did she go behind your back? Why did she do that? Should she have apologised too?

you answered your own dilemma, let it go, she is irrelevant, feck it life is just too short

It is probably this and also that you have three children and a long trip. I would take it personally of course, but I would really try not too.

Life is long. People make decisions that in 5 years they think “why did I do that”. People pick bridesmaids and 10 years late they are not in touch at all.
At the moment your relationship with SIL may not be in the place where she wants to invite you to her hen. But in 5 years you might be incredibly close. I don’t think she has done anything incredibly awful. I completely get that you feel hurt, it’s never nice to feel excluded.
But I’d move on. Continue as normal. If there is any fallout it will probably be seen as you at fault. Plan a lovely treat for yourself on the hen weekend. Enjoy the wedding. And be kind to yourself. It’s ok to feel this way but in the long run, not worth causing drama over

You are friendly
Not friends
So no invite to hens
Sorry yabu

YANBU to be hurt but clearly you are not as close to her as you think and / or she has never forgiven you for the falling out.

If anyone has tried to keep anything from you, it's almost certainly because your propensity to think the worst of people and make it all about you and what people think about you.

This! You admit yourself you overreacted to something she did previously, you're now overreacting to this! Have a long hard look at yourself and perhaps ponder if she didn't want you there as you fly off the handle and she was worried you'd take offense to something at the Hen and ruin it.

I can understand you being hurt @Jj2431 but it really may not be personal.
Future MILs are generally a duty invite to these things so that's probably why she's going.

I also didn't invite my husbands sisters. Not because I dislike them at all but I has limited numbers and I prioritised my close friends and family.
There were lots of other people I like very much that also weren't invited.

I agree that you shouldn't change your behaviour at all because of this, just carry on as before.

The awkwardness from MIL and husband is probably because they've realised you're not invited and don't want to rub it in. I really doubt there's some big conspiracy about it.

When did weddings become so complicated?

I can’t believe people are like this in real life. The SIL hasn’t done anything wrong to be “confronted” about

It isn't the SIL who's kept anything from you. She's just going about her hen night like any other bride. She's not invited her fiance's brother's wife, because you're not in her closest circle. It's not the norm for brides to invite their fiances brother's wife, as innumerable people on this thread have said.

The only person who kept it from you was your MIL, the duty invitation. And she kept it from you because she knew this was how you'd react.

I'm not sure why you're intending punishing the bride because your MIL didn't mention that she was going to the hen.

I think weddings on the whole are quite tricky, and the politics can so be sensitive. I know it feels hurtful , but I do think that her not inviting you to her hen doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want a relationship with you going forward, it could just be that at that particular event, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do or the right mix of people, it doesn’t mean it’s anything personal. Hopefully the two of you will be family for a long time, your kids are cousins to each other, and once the wedding is over things can resume as they were if you want them too. I know it’s hard to take the long term view, I’m in the middle of wedding planning at the moment and really feeling the pressure of keeping everyone happy and the weight of others people’s expectations can be pretty overwhelming - it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is! I agree with PP that I’m sure she likes you but perhaps you are not in her top 10-20 people she wants on her hen, but it doesn’t mean this is a snub or meant to hurt her. It is her day after all xxx

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel a bit hurt and put out by this. I think, what would get to me more than the non invite, would be the "letting slip/trying to hide it," from your partner and mil. It's a shame she wasn't just more open and honest from the start, "I'm having my hen do with my mates etc that weekend." Then you might have even arranged to do something with her yourself, aside from the hen. A mini afternoon hen/lunch/glass of champagne, whatever. You could even still do this, if you feel comfortable.- opening the dialect on the hen.. "Hi,(Sil) what are your plans for next few weekends after your hen do in London?, I'd really like to take you for a little celebration drink too. Have a lovely time and let me know if that suits."
Don't overthink it too much. Weddings are a huge faff that always seem to cause problems!

I think, what would get to me more than the non invite, would be the "letting slip/trying to hide it," from your partner and mil. It's a shame she wasn't just more open and honest from the start. "I'm having my hen do with my mates etc that weekend."

So you acknowledge that it's MIL and dh that kept it quiet, but then blame the bride anyway?

Is the bride supposed to contact each of the people she likes but hasn't invited, to tell them that she's having a hen do that they're not invited to, for the sake of being open?

This is a storm in a teacup. Bride has done nothing wrong, MIL tried to avoid causing issues and DH was an idiot to tell OP and prove that MIL was correct to not broadcast that she was going.

You're only an in-law. She probably wants to relax with her actual friends. Plus you sound like a drama queen.

I think it’s rude not to include you tbh
sometimes we should do the right thing not just what we want
MN is strange place
leave one child out of a party and you’re blasted but do it to an adult it’s ok apparently 🙁

It's your mil and dh who are in the wrong for the childish secrecy.
Your dsil can be friendly but it doesn't mean you're a friend. She probably doesn't really want her mil.

Your anger has been so bad that on the past you've had anger management. You admit that you overreact and blow things out of proportion. You've called her a ugly fat cow to her face, in the past. You admit that she was the one you chose to target even though you were at war with your inlaws. She's done her best to stay out of the ongoing drama in the family by staying away from family events. She's shown that she doesn't dislike you and she wants to keep a family connection, just at arms length until she sees that everyone is behaving a bit more civilised. She's obliged to invite your MIL. Inviting you both is inviting in the drama into her life. How/why were you an outcast in the family two weeks ago? I agree that you aren't conscious of how much people tiptoe around you or how dysfunctional the family really is. I hope that you all behave at the wedding.

I think YANBU

Your MIL is a closer connection than you. And they tried to be tactful by not mentioning it

If your DH hadn't put his foot in it, you'd have remained blissfully unaware

Its horrible to feel left out of an event you would have liked to attend, and it does sting. I get that. It's happened to me too

I dealt with it by telling my DH and a couple of friends (not involved in the situation) that I was upset. I never breathed a word to the party host or guests. I don't feel as close to them now, but have never discussed it with any of them

Also it's good manners to not discuss something that someone isn't invited to, Infront of them. We tell children not to do it. It would have been another drama that she didn't want and your MIL might have found herself invited. She might be on a warning from her Son to keep it away from them.

leave one child out of a party and you’re blasted but do it to an adult it’s ok apparently
I have my doubts that OP is the one and only person the bride is friendly with who hasn't been invited to the Hen, which is supposed to be about the bride and those closest to her -not including all and sundry because it's "the right thing to do". That's what the weddings inevitably become about.

@Jj2431 you see it as sneaking around behind your back. I'd see it as tactful and discreet

Are you seriously saying that you would have preferred your SIL to let you know she was having a hen night and you weren't invited?! That would really rub salt into the wound

Wait you’ve called her an ugly cow to her face in the past and you have anger problems so bad you needed to have anger management?
Sorry but she’d be insane to invite you on her hen do! I’d want you as far away as possible in case you kicked off and ruined it.
Sometimes in life we reap what we sow.