Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

Yup, all of those. My point was to people saying it's normal for OP as just a SIL, not to be invited and it doesn't indicate anything about the relationship, when clearly, given the history it most likely does. I must have missed the ugly fat cow comment. I agree the OP is fortunate to be on speaking terms at all.

Your brother in law's sister? That's getting a bit distant for relationships. I don't know any of my in laws family members.

You're not family. Don't try and force a relationship where there isn't one.

I wouldn’t want anyone I had previously had arguments with at my hen do OP- especially if we weren’t massively close. I’d be worried drink might make things kick off again and I couldn’t be bothered with it even with a 1% chance of this- especially with all my loved ones as an audience. That would be my reason in her shoes. I’d expect you to do the same if the boot was on the other foot.

There is of course also the good chance that her family heard about the argument and don't like you and she doesn't want things to be awkward at the Hen because of it.

I think that's crap! Every hen do I've been to has had both sides of the future family there. It's a celebration of 2 families .
I invited both my mil, who came, and sil who couldn't make it.
MN have some screwed up ideas of marriage,
its not only about the marriage,
you can do nice things for his family,
you can buy one of his family's cards if you happen to be shopping,
you can get on with his mum,
You can do big family get togethers!!

AND you don't have to look down and ridicule people who choose to have this happy life!

I await the comments!

No she doesn't - she invited her MiL.

@KettrickenSmiled

Presumably her MIL has never called her an ugly fat cow so is more welcome at the hen do than OP...

@wellhelloitsme why are you inventing shit?

So your MIL is not the bride’s mum but your brother-in-law’s mum? I can understand the hurt if that was the case but take the high road

@safclass I think it’s nice to do that too. The problem is when you have in-laws you think you have a good relationship with and you’re making an effort with who then don’t invite you to significant events or it becomes one sided.

Posted too soon, but I don’t think a hen do would be classed as a significant event in my opinion. But then again, in my circle of friends and my family as well, we often do engagement parties for both sides of the families to meet properly so to not invite someone from either side of the family to an engagement party becomes more of a statement than a hen do. And bridal showers are for usually just for close family and friends and often organised by the best friend or sister of the bride.

You said yourself you don't go down to see her, that's why she hasn't invited you. I suspect she thinks you aren't that interested in her life.

Oh Jeeze. I just found the ugly fat cow thread.

OP, you haven't changed at all. It's bizarre that you expect to be invited to this woman's hen..
It's also ironic that you now want to take the same action to her (having minimal contact) that she took with you and that you were complaining about in that earlier OP!

I don’t think you not being invited is that bad.
She is not your sister. She us not marrying your brother. It’s far more distant than that.
My hen do was for my friends and family.
It didn’t cross my mind to invite dh’s mother or his sibling’s partners.

I agree with this mainly.

It would have been nice for her to invite you, but it's her family and friends that usually go. I wouldn't be massively offended. I didn't go to SILs and was fine with that as I didn't want a whole weekend with people I don't know!

Her friends probably all dislike you too, I wouldn’t be keen on someone who called my mate an ugly fat cow.
You aren’t friends and never will be, she’s civil to keep the peace. If she’s in the police she probably has enough of threatening confrontations at work. You yourself said that you ‘went for her’. You are delusional for even thinking you might get an invite.

@KettrickenSmiled

wellhelloitsme why are you inventing shit?

I'm not. OP said on another thread that she called this SIL a fat ugly cow to her face.

@KettrickenSmiled

Here you go.

Is this true OP? If so I'm surprised if you're invited to the wedding. Sort yourself out.

Oh my goodness OP.. why on earth would you expect her to be your friend after that!

Well blimey @wellhelloitsme

This family sounds like it deserves each other. Small wonder OP didn't mention it here, & it's beyond me why she's surprised her inlaws avoid her. Or why she'd want to attend this hen do.

This is beside so many points, but I don't get why people get aggy about the idea of people talking behind their backs.

Spreading false rumours aside, is anyone seriously suggesting that no one talks about someone else in an anything but positive frame unless they happen to be in their presence?

If people don't like me, I'm happy for them to keep the fact behind my back. I have no illusions of universal perfection or popularity.

Exactly. I'd be horrified if I overheard someone bitch about me because of course it would be really upsetting. But equally there are things I've said that I really wouldn't want the person I'm talking about to hear. I very rarely moan about people, but I'm sure there's not a single person here who has never said anything critical about someone not present.

Sorry, but I think you’re being really weird and difficult about this. You’re not her family and you’re not her close friend. You’re a relative by marriage and you chat about your kids and lives and so on. You can get on perfectly fine and enjoy a catch-up over a coffee without being the kind of close friends who go out drinking together etc. You’re over-thinking this and being really entitled about. Not everything is a snub. You can be friendly with someone without being best mates.

I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

OP, I’ve just seen a few of your other threads and it definitely is you that’s the problem.