Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

I do think YABU. Just because you happen to be in relationships with guys that are brothers it doesn’t mean that you are automatically going to be close enough friends to be at her hen. Your MIL was likely invited out of politeness to her future MIL

The thing is unless you regularly hang out as friends then I think YABU. Being forced to invite every female family member of the groom’s side whether you are friendly or not is such a vibe killer. If you wouldn’t expect an invite to Friday night girls drinks at her house why would you expect a hen invite?

I was all set to say you were unreasonable until said your mil was invited.

I'm still slightly bemused and a bit miffed at my sil asking about the arrangements for my hen and turning up at it. That was 30 years ago 😁 Other sil didn't come and didn't invite me to hers. Same with bils' wives. Sil who invited herself did invite me to hers though.

I find it really odd that she would invite her mil. Are you sure she wasn't put under pressure by your mil or bil? Maybe your mil asked about the arrangements and assumed she was invited and then she was too embarrassed to tell her she wasn't?

There could be all sorts then connected to this. Maybe she's only over it to a point. Maybe she criticised you to her friends at the time and now feels it might be awkward to have you there in front of them. Perhsps they said 'I can't believe you'd invite Jj24 after what she said to you...' or something like that. You know how it goes.
If I were you I'd try and see your relationship with her as still on the journey back, rather than actually back, to normal. You're getting friendlier but you're not there yet.

I don't think you're entitled to an invite just for being married to an in law.

How many people were invited? Perhaps it was just people she's closest to.

I invited 8 people mine. If I'd extended it to a wider circle of friends/family it would have ended up at about 30 people, which I didn't want.

If you live very far away, don't drive and have 3 kids she might have thought you probably wouldn't be able to come anyway.

I don't think it means she doesn't like you OP. Most hen do's I've been to have been just a small group of close friends - possibly with the addition of mum/MiL. She may just have wanted to keep it small.

It sounds like you have a good relationship as SiLs. I think it would be a shame to spoil it, even if you're upset over the hen do.

I only had three or four close people at mine. Certainly no one as distant as you are.

Never understand posts like this, why do you think it matters what you had? The OPs SIL clearly isn't having just 3-4 people and is inviting in laws.

I get on well with my sil, I played a part in their wedding but I couldn't tell you if she had a hen night. On the other hand, I've just returned from a holiday with other db and sil and if they ever get married, I'd be bloody raging at her if she didn't invite me if she had a hen.

No, she's inviting her MIL @alphapie. And her close friends and family. There could only be 10 of them in total for all you know. Or 4.

YANBU to be hurt. She should have invited you if she has invited mil.

as you say you’re more friends because you’re family, and it’s not normal course to invite the grooms family to the hen unless you’re super close. I wouldn’t let it upset you. You’ve said you’ve had issues before, likelihood yes she probably is more friends because you’re family than anything else. Up to you if you want to pull back from speaking to her / making any effort but it won’t change anything

I was excluded from a friend's hen a few years back and it did hurt (mainly the exclusion, the hen itself would have cost about £1000 and I think she thought I wouldn't enjoy the activity) so I do understand how you feel. However , I'm wondering if this is a minor issue which has reawakened the previous incident of not trusting her? I'd say just let it go and concentrate on enjoying the wedding and positive vibes , this was ultimately what I did with my friend. As sister in law's you'll have plenty of time to build on your relationship in the years to come if you both want to. It could turn out that it was an oversight by a friend planning it or that she thought you wouldn't enjoy it. As many posters have said it's not de rigeur to ask your SIL to your hen!

But OP thought they'd connected on a friendship level. Inviting random future in laws out of duty is obv weird but when DH and I got married, I didn't suddenly change how I felt about his parents on the day we got married. They were as much my family the month before the wedding as they were the month after, emotionally. I invited MIL because I LIKED her. Op thought her SIL LIKED her. That's why she's hurt.

Yanbu to be hurt, of course it stings not to be invited. However I don't think she's being unreasonable to pretty much keep her hen do to her friends and family (with a probably obligation invite to MIL). If you felt before this that you got along well, then try to just let this go, view it as her having her reasons and not being a slight on you, and keep going as you were before. If she didn't like you, she wouldn't make the effort that she does now. For whatever reason she's not invited you to her hen do, but that doesn't mean she has bad feelings towards you. Try not let it go and just carry on being friendly as you currently are

YANBU I’m surprised at the responses here, most people I know have someone they are almost obliged to invite to things.

i think yabu to expect to be asked and to be upset not to be.

perhaps you are just not her cup of tea

I've never known a hen do not to include the grooms female relatives.
Mostly because the couple have been together ages and already see them as their family too, but also because it's seen as a party for 'the women of the wedding' whether they're B or G relations.

YANBU to be hurt or to back off from her.
It sounds like you talk quite a lot, I would be upset and it’s worse that no one mentioned it.

Could it of been arranged when you fell out and that’s why you weren’t invited? Or is one of her friends organising it for her? Maybe she doesn’t know who’s invited.

I’d get the message that she just doesn’t want to be friends. Keep things polite, but don’t go out of your way to cook for/host them.

Are you sure it's not just a miscommunication?

I have no intention of being horrible or awkward with her or bil but I do usually message first so thinking to stop that and to not go out of my way to communicate like I have been.

I get on really well with my sister in law but actually would have never considered inviting her to my hen as we have absolutely zero mutual friends. Beyond SIL and MIL do you know any of the other people going?

OP’s MIL is the SIL’s mum surely, so she’s invited her own mum rather than her MIL