Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

YANBU, I've been in the same sort of situation, but my advice would be to rise above it & let it go. Just concentrate on being a decent SIL without making excess effort & keeping your expectations in check.

Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me

^ it isn't clear. I would say I get along well with my husband's brother's wives but none of them would be invited to my hen do. I would only want MY family and friends I've known for years there not my husband's relations.

Like weddings, hens can be as simple or as extravagant as you like.
Mine will probably be a group trip abroad. But we have always gone away together (right until Covid). I'm the first to get married, none of us have any children.

If I had a mixed group I'd probably just book a private room at a pub and have risque party games, or something of that sort. Nothing too fancy.

Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me

Honestly, OP, this sound paranoid and again - OTT.

She just wants her close friends and family around her, and you're not either. You're family and you get along, but that's it, and that's good.

She hasn't done anything wrong. This AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us) sounds absolutely nuts.

You'll drive a wedge between your families if you don't stop this kind of over reaction.

Yanbu to feel hurt. You can't help how you feel. I'd feel hurt too but I wouldn't mention it & carry on as you are being nice.

When you came to visit again I'd ask her outright, you don't find the truth out unless you confront people and don't pussyfoot around. X

YANBU to be unhappy with this but definitely do not confront. Ugh. I also wouldn't think it would be a good enough reason to back off except it was a bit more than just not inviting you wasn't it? It was also hidden from you. MIL said she was popping down to see SIL, not that she was popping down for the hen do. This says to me that it's been discussed with a "don't tell XXXX about the hen do" part. How embarrassing. I'd rather just have been told outright or it at least been discussed openly without the little secrets between the invitees. For this I would back away a bit. No fall outs, just easing off from everyone having to pretend that they actually do get along well when clearly it's quite one sided.

I got married over 30 years ago and tbh although my sisters and my SIL were my bridesmaids, I didn't invite any of them to my hen - nor my mum or MIL because it wouldn't have been their thing! (and it was pretty tame compared to hens now).

Only you know the nature of your relationship OP and the nature of her relationship with the invitees.

It just occurred to me that I don't actually know whether my SIL had a hen do?! DH and I had been together for years before we got married and married for many years, with 3 children, before she got married. She demanded to be my bridesmaid before I had even had a chance to ask (or not). I would have asked if she had waited because she's my DH's only sister. I've known SIL since she was a teen at school.

So, fast forward, SIL getting married. There was a context of family illness, but it wasn't an excuse for what happened! DH was invited to the nuptials, and I wasn't! I was taken aback - we never had any fallout - and was even more annoyed because DH couldn't see any reason why his wife of, probably, more than 20 years at that point, wasn't included? Neither were the only 3 children to whom she is an aunt by blood. She never really did have much time for me or my children. He went to the full wedding. The kids and I went to the evening do but the weather was bad so we didn't stay long as it was a distance away.

Tbh I wasn't bothered. I wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, barely knew anyone. I'm civil, but I don't go out of my way to make any effort. I'm not bothered any more. It is what it is.

My advice is, let it go. You are upset and she probably doesn't give a flying one. I'd be most p!ssed off that your MIL has clearly tried to keep it quiet that she's going. Wouldn't say anything about that one either, because no matter what, she's your DH's mother, and 'competition' is ill-advised!

It sounds hurtful .. I am sorry.
On the other hand hen nights are usually pretty awful! I didn’t want to go to my own!
I would embrace not going.
Have a hot bath with nice oils, body lotion.
Grab a good film or book, order takeaways and a nice bottle wine and have a great night.
Use the money spent on hen for something nice for yourself - a pedicure or facial, a new lipstick.

The hen do is actually the only part of the wedding celebration that the bride can have any independent control of. Weddings usually involve guests that “have to be invited” on both the groom and bride sides so why should the bride “have to invite” in-laws to a hen party as well? What if she wants to just have a fun time out with people she likes? Can she do that as long as she doesn’t call it a Hen Do?

She's your brother in laws to be wife.

You are not independent friends.

Why would you be invited to a hen do, which is for friends to celebrate?

No need to be upset. You are going to the wedding as family but I really don't understand why you think that you should be invited to the hen.

I’d be celebrating . Hens dos are awful . Think of the positives! Brush it off.

Honestly, weddings are for wider families and the plus ones and great aunties etc etc. The Hen should be about the bride and her best mates having a good time, not family politics. Your MIL probably tried to keep it quiet knowing you were likely to go in a huff.

Sometimes a hen do is quite a small gathering of only close friends and sisters. And if you're not that close why would she feel the need to invite you especially as you live a fair bit away..

YANBU to feel hurt. How you feel is always valid. Right now you're reacting in hurt and anger, long term you can either step back or if you like SIL and would like to have a closer relationship you could try to develop that relationship. If you want a relationship with her, don't write her off over this one thing.

I never got an invite to my sil hen. In fact, apart from my db, none of us had anything to do with the wedding except turn up. Not godparent to either of two dc- all sil friends & family.

Yabu its brides family. Usually mil at a push. You do sound a bit paranoid. Did you do something particularly nasty to her

I can understand why you’re a bit put out at not being invited. On the other hand, you admit to overreacting last time there was an issue between you. Do you really want to be in that position again? Because pulling back and only speaking to her when spoken to is definitely going to be noticed.

Maybe it’s time to be happy you get along, but accept that you’re in-laws, not friends.

But you're not friends independently? Everyone else (MIL aside) is there because of a pre-existing relationship with the woman. It's obvious why you're not invited.

I’m presuming there are no other SIL’s involved and you are the only one? In that case as your MIL was invited, I would have invited you out of duty first and foremost.

having said that I have never had a hens night (although I did have a wedding shower, maybe that was it?) and I have never been invited to one. I rarely hear of anyone having them either.

So going back to your relationship with her, I think it’s brilliant you have both been able to move past whatever issues you both had earlier on, but it sounds more like a politeness contact rather than a personal friendship. Nothing wrong of course with that to help keep the peace within the family and I hope your MIL is aware and grateful her boys/family are not being divided, but possibly you need to consider your future SIL has drawn her line in the sand during that earlier issue, and like me, you haven’t recognised any sign of it. ?

i think what would be a lovely idea is for MIL to invite both of you to family gals lunch to celebrate the upcoming bigger family unit. Make no mention of the hens night either….

I understand why you feel hurt, but it’s definitely not unusual for the bride to not invite groom’s side of family. I know many brides who invited neither groom’s mother or sister, let alone groom’s brother’s wife.

the MIL not telling you is a sign they expect you to cause drama…… prove them wrong!

Good point!

I think it clearly being discussed and kept from me is what's getting to me the most tbh. Makes it seem so pre planned to exclude me on purpose when I've done nothing wrong and I thought we got along.

But if your MIL had told you she was going to London for your SIL's hen do and you weren't invited, that really wouldn't have been any better would it? You still would have been hurt and upset.

Did you invite her to your hen?