Not invited to Hen night

[Jj2431]

Hi all, my second AIBU in a week and I'm really starting to believe it could be me that's the problem!

My brother in law is getting married and although there was a falling out between us years ago, I thought me and my sister in law to be were getting along really well now, she comes to see us regularly and even messages me quite a bit. We have lots of chats about our kids being friends and playing together and we talk about our own lives too. She's getting married to brother in law next month and I assumed she wasn't having a hen as nothing had been mentioned. Saw mother in law at the start of this week and she mentioned she was going down to London to visit them. Nothing more. Husband let slip a few days ago that mother in law had told him she's actually going down there for sister in laws hen do. I'm genuinely shocked and hurt that I haven't been invited. I thought we got along well. I feel even more hurt that mother in law didn't mention it and when husband let slip he acted like he was shocked I hadn't been invited (he knew I hadn't as I'd have gone with mil), he didn't say what he thought about it. Clearly she doesn't actually like me and has been just putting up with me for the sake of being married to brothers and her having had a baby that I'm obviously aunt too.
My AIBU is

1. AIBU to be hurt?
2. AIBU to only speak to her for the kids sake now and only if she speaks to me?Basically make zero effort unless she comes to see us (I wouldn't make it awkward for kids or husband if she came to see us).

I keep wondering wtf is wrong with me that no one seems to want anything to do with me. I don't know how to approach. I don't want to ask as quite frankly I will probably be blamed for causing problems before the wedding.

Both are invited. Her mum and bil mum

YANBU to be feeling hurt, but you might have dodged a bullet. Do you know what the hen night involves? You might not have wanted to go if you were invited and be wondering how to get out of it!

YABU to expect to be invited. There might be a limit on numbers, and as you are not all that close an invitation is less likely than for her close friends and family.

Carry on as if there hadn't been a hen party. No point in creating further tensions as there had been a falling out earlier. It's quite a jump to say "Clearly she doesn't actually like me". Would you have invited her to an event where you had your close friends only? It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but it could be that she wanted specific friends who go back a long way and have common history together. It's her wedding, it's her choice. Don't dwell on it.

I didn't get invited to SILs hen do. I was hurt at the time but I didn't say anything and I'm glad I didn't. I wasn't personal, she just wanted her friends there and I totally get that now. We still get on well 8 years later.
I posted on here at the time and was told that SIL must secretly hate me 😂 she doesn't.

No, the men are brothers. MIL is MIL to both women.

And yet that never used to be a thing @5128gap. The point of a hen is saying goodbye to your old life.

You sound a bit intense. Your reaction to not being asked to her hen do is to cut off all but essential contact with someone you are friendly with? It’s very ‘all or nothing’.

YANBU but it's her party and, right or wrong, it's her decision so accept it.

Why don't you just ask her?
She might not have wanted the rest there, but they've muscled their way in by making a fuss. Or HER mother thinks it's a 'family occasion' and made her invite relatives.

A hen do for me has always been the final wild night. Mine certainly will be. Can't imagine having relatives of any sort, especially not my future MIL. Or even worse, my OWN mother =.=

YABU. Firstly, she can invite who she likes, it's her party, and secondly I would have thought it is more an occasion for friends and actually family. You surely can't think you are classed as being as important as her future MIL?

It would be extremely childish to limit contact with your SIL based on this and would make you look ridiculous.

I have a perfectly pleasant relationship with my husband's brother's wife and we text each other away from the men but I'd never have invited her to my hen. I wanted my actual friends there rather than people I felt obliged to invite! There were plenty of other people I didn't invite too.

YABU (a bit). Her future MIL and own mum are closer relatives than her fiance's sister in law (at least I think that's the relationships you've described). At my hen do, I had my sister and lots of friends, no other family and I certainly wouldn't have even considered inviting my future sister-in-law (DH's sister) who is a closer relative than you will be to her, although we get on very well. Where do you draw the line? I probably had about 55 women at the wedding and about 15 at the hen do. But we still wanted those other 40 at the wedding and only a handful were there because DH wanted them whereas I was ambivalent. So I don't think it's her sending out a message that she doesn't like you, just that you're not her "inner circle".

1. YABU to be hurt by it, because it's not a hurtful thing. She's having a hen do, and she has invited the people she wanted to invite. It's nothing personal. FWIW, I think you're bloody lucky to have swerved an invitation to a crappy hen party.
2. YABU to let it affect your behaviour towards her in any way at all. You don't have to be best friends with her - just be friendly and pleasant, and don't give your relationship with her any further thought.

Yanbu, If she could invite her mil she could have invited you! The fact that mil kept quiet about it tells me that there is something more to it. It seems like she has very falsely been nice to you but doesn't really like you. I would take a massive step back from any friendship/relationship with her and just be civil and polite nothing more. I think it was a shitty thing to do.

Living together before marriage, kids before marriage didn't used to be a thing. Hens these days are about celebrating an upcoming wedding, not a last goodbye to your family

But then you’ll be over-reacting again like you did last time.

Hens are generally close friends and family - as in bride’s family. Perhaps she gets on particularly well with MIL or perhaps it’s a favour to her DH.

Non-invite doesn’t mean she doesn’t like but just that you’re not one of her closest friends or her MIL to be.

Can your husband ask his brother if he knows if it was personal? It probably was just a case of inviting long-standing friends and her own family.

I have 7 SiL. I wasn't invited to any of their hen bashes. I didn't invite any of them to mine.

We really like each other, get along well etc., but we have completely different sets of friends, live in different parts of the country, and it didn't occur to any of us to do it!

In my experience, hens tend to be close family and friends, and although you get along fine, you don't fall into one of those camps.

Honestly think it's pretty normal, tbh.

Have you ever been out with her before? I’m v close to my SIL, less so to BIL’s wife, but would never have asked either to my hen.

I think you are overreacting. They live far from you and work shifts, but still make the effort to visit you regularly despite you not making the same effort. You have kids, they don’t, but they still come. They clearly both enjoy you company, she just sees a hen as a party for friends, not family.

Where would you have stated if you had gone. Presumably MIL is staying with them.

Exactly. Only MIL is outside her close friends and family group. She's been invited out of politeness, and that's a decent thing for SIL to have done.

You're being way over sensitive and unreasonable, and no, you shouldn't pull back, because all being well you're going to be SILs for a lifetime. You get on a lot better than you used to, so keep developing that. It will make your life much pleasanter and less stressful. A been that's clearly just about the bride's family and old friends, with a nod to her MIL is a silly thing to go tit for tat about.

I'd always considered them a goodbye to carefree days, bit wild, female equivalent of a stag as opposed to a bridal shower which was a more sedate, family type thing. Getting to know the other womenfolk. Which is surely redundant if you already have children together.

In any case there are so many parties, with so many names, and people pick different combos. I've known people who have 4-5 different events, for different purposes. It's impossible to tell whether or not someone's been excluded unless you know the vibe of the specific event...

Also hard pass to this, do not involve other people in your drama!

I don't get it. Why would you be so petty?

im on the fence with this one tbh, my bridesmaids are currently organising my hen for me and I have no idea what is planned , I just had to give them a guest list. I actually found that task really hard because hens are quite extravagant these days, which requires all the attendees to part with a fair bit of cash. Which could be a factor. Some people also hate being centre of attention so decide to keep it a small group (also applies to me) I’m just saying that before you jump to conclusions, there could be other factors at play that aren’t as simple as her just not wanting to invite you. X

I haven't had a falling out with either of them but i don't expect to be invited to either my partners brother wife to be or to his stepsisters hens do. We get on fine when we see each other but we are not close friends.