Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

[Laye]

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

Sorry but I would run a mile from the pair of them. This is not healthy. It's toxic!

I would seriously consider leaving him and I would move a good distance away from her.

You are stating what you want and they are not listening to you. They sound incredibly OTT to me.
All you can do is set reasonable boundaries and keep in forcing them over and over and over.

I really don’t see her as the issue, I see the fact is you both are homeless and can’t house youtselves or your child as the root cause. You need to get that sorted,and everything else will fall into place.

This all sounds terrible and you aren't being dramatic. Where have you moved to? As in is it somewhere you can consider a permanent place? Stand your ground with MIL - she's crossed your boundaries and it's really not on for her to consider herself the 'parent' of your child. Do you want to work on things with your husband? Could you pretty much tell him the same you've said here i.e. when its you both and the kid it's fine but when MIL gets involved it all goes out the window?
Thing is unless he's willing to see your POV without getting defensive you're both going to keep going round in circles.

@VladmirsPoutine we have had that talk with our therapist and he sees reason but then he goes home and he said his dm is distraught and a mess and it really affects him. So then in return it reflects on how he is with me. He obviously blames me and holds me accountable for her emotions. I think she is incredibly emotionally immature and at this point wouldn't be surprised if she is deliberately trying to jeopardise our relationship since she isn't getting what she wants out of it. I can't get through to dh when he is in a mood he is like an impenetrable fortress and it feels like our marriage is on the line.

I am currently with my ds who is housing me and dc. The plan for me moving forward is to private rent and study

I second putting distance between you and your MIL.

and no visits at all. If she’s going to be horrible to you, why would you walk into that every single week.

You have a DH problem.
Allowing MIL access in any way should be avoided - if she can poison your DH view of you just imagine what she'll say to your child.
Run for the hills.

@frazzledasarock if I do that dh will pull a flip. He thinks I'm being unreasonable enough only allowing her to see dc every week. If I stripped it entirely he would break up with me and then Mil wins.

I wish I could place space there. I have stopped replying to mil and dh is upset with me for that. She has even gone as far as to try and use dh to get me to reply.

He will say "dm has messaged you and asked you to read it" to me. He is willing playing into this with her! I feel very much so that he is against me rather than being my partner right now and she knows there is a crack in our unity and using it to her advantage. Dh won't kiss me/hold my hand. We haven't been intimate at all since this has all happened.

Where are you living now?

This all sounds dreadful and TBH I think a lot of the blame falls on your DH. You've been very clear that you don't want your MIL to act as mother to your children and he agreed to that and has now gone back on that agreement.

Is he still living with MIL? That decision alone is a huge issue. If your relationship is going to stand any chance you need to be living together in your own place.

Your MIL sounds overbearing but she's obviously receiving mixed messages from you and DH about how involved she can be, and she has given you a home for over a year, so it's not surprising that she's over-involved. The important thing is to get your own place to live and (if you want to) have your DH live with you, so that you can enforce your boundaries. Or else just leave your DH and his mum to it- this is what I would do, frankly.

What did your DH do to you?

This isn’t going to get any better and the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to put some distance between you and your MIL as setting boundaries hasn’t worked because she will not respect them. That’s on her. Boundaries need to be set with your husband too. I would tell him you are only willing to discuss his relationship with your child and contact he has with them and will no longer enter into discussions about his mother. She is not your priority.

It's a shame, no actually, shameful, that MIL is putting her own wants and demands before the relationship between her grandchild’s parents. Even if you and your husband were never getting back together, no hope of it, the less animosity the better for the sake of the child.

@DiamanteDelia we can't get a house together right now for financial reasons. So obviously the physical distance isn't helping and him being exposed to her sulking isn't either.

I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle here. It's almost like he is brainwashed and when I try to speak sense to him he can't see it. Sometimes it's like I'm talking to mil when I talk to dh and it's crazy how much influence and hold she is allowing him to have over her. Dh can't respect the fact I just need time and space from Mil just as much as she can't.

She messaged me saying she wants to be able to "raise dc as her own".

Dh is still living with mil. So if we break up she would be delighted as that would mean dh having dc 50 percent of the time and so can she. My own dm has warned me that she has a bad feeling about Mil and how she is acting out and that I can't trust her. My dm is worrying that if this happens mil will try to keep dc there with dh which of course with dhs help she would be able to do. I'm banging against a wall here feeling like I'm losing my family first my husband and now my child

Are you both working? Have you applied for council housing? Why can’t you afford to house yourselves?

How long has this been going on or has she always somehow interfered in your relationship even pre-dc? I ask because I wonder if this is something you think you can work through with a bit of time or if you see this is pretty much the lay of the land. It must be causing you no end of stress and anxiety. In your shoes I'd lay down the law with your husband and actually consider divorce or separation because it's just such an unhealthy dynamic. I know you've said you discussed it in therapy but that hasn't gotten very far if he's still going back and forth between being a decent husband and enabling his mother.

@Floraanddougal i don't work at the moment but am on uc and currently looking for work. Dh just got a job after losing his job for a while. So in terms of money we really have none.

I don't understand. If your plan is to private rent and study surely your DH can simply live with you? He needs to get loose of his mother's apron strings.

You need to sort yourself out. If your baby is 1 are you working or returning to work (I assume you have a job to get you out of the living arrangement?).

If you don't have a job you need to sort the job and housing situation. Sounds like you need to do that alone.

You need to leave him and get a court order.
They have some weird emotional incest going on, he supports her more than his own partner. She is obsessed with your child and trying to parent said child over you. That is dangerous and confusing for your child.

Break up, file for child support, file a C100 and get visitation in writing/ every other weekend. don't leave your child with either of them unsupervised. if you don't have physical custody at the time the order is made, judges can often say the child stays where they have been living so as not to unsettle them. I've had friends only get weekend visits due to this.

Also you will likely need your DH income to secure a private rental if you dont have a job yourself.

This could be really important.

Might just be a simple case of incompatible personalities between you and DH. Obviously he is happy for family involvement raising DC and this hasn’t been a problem for anyone else in their family. But from the start you have made it clear that you don’t want mil involved in family too much and see her more as mil (emphasis on in law) than the childrens grandmother, this coupled with the fact you would leave over a disagreement just makes me think he is more of an old school family orientated person as are his family whereas you are more of a modern - keep families apart leave when there’s conflict type.

@VladmirsPoutine this has been going on for over a year now. We have multiple discussions with mil about placing boundaries but to no avail! It's never worked and its clearly a habit she can't shake. I think once someone crosses a line it's hard for them to come back from it.

It is causing me a great amount of distress as everything feels out of my control and although I left to get out of Mil grasp she is still having a impact on everything around me. I'm not eating becoming extremely irritable to dc and being sick.

Cross posts regarding the job. Have you spoken to the council about housing for just you?

Have you applied for the council for housing? You are effectively homeless and on benefits, so they would house you.

@InChocolateWeTrust no because I would claim for financial support as a single parent. Together since dh now works our income would not be enough to move out and sustain ourselves unless I got a really good paying job which isn't going to happen right away as I haven't been in work since pregnancy