Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

[Laye]

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

@Laye I'm afraid it's likely you'll have to accept there's no future for your marriage whilst your DH refuses to enforce appropriate boundaries with his mother.

MIL is displaying weird, erratic behaviour from what you've said, so you need to create distance and seek legal advice.

MIL has zero legal rights to any grandchildren and you can get restrictions put in place to restrict any access to your child.

Legal advice to protect your role as mother is quite urgent here, I would argue.

You need to stop participating in this OP. It's not a war or a fight that you can ever win. You need to totally drop the rope and walk away.

Is there anywhere you can move to that is further away from DH where you could have family support? If you aren't working, and DH is, I doubt he would be given 50/50 as it would be obvious the child would be spending time being cared for by others (MIL) rather than a parent.

You need legal advice - many family solicitors are happy to give 30 minutes free advice to start you off. You have to offload DH and his family. This situation will never end (until MIL dies at the very earliest) and it's not sustainable.

Don't let her have the

Don't let her have DC half the week. She sounds delusional. I would end the relationship with DH. He is prioritising MIL need over you and DC wellbeing and MH. When he has contact he can let his mum see DC. I don't think you can do a huge amount about that unless you can prove she is a risk to DC.

Never be with a man who doesn't prioritise his family (you and DC, not family of origin). It's immature and unattractive. You are being more than generous giving her 1 a week. I wouldn't even do that. If someone thought they were my dds mum/parent I would be creating a lot of distance. I would seriously consider leaving your husband for good now rather than later, you say you won't survive it anyway. And move somewhere close to your own family support network.

I know you want your husband to yourself but he will resent you and keep on guilt tripping you with regard to his mum.

He is unable to cut the apron strings.
You certainly won't be able to either.

Really think that the best thing now would be to sort out your own and your child's stability and find a home of your own.
Inform the council that your sister wants you out and that you are homeless.

Collect the evidence of all of your communications for if /when the need arises.

You CAN do this.
You CANNOT continue as you are.

Best wishes OP.

I really don't think you can send DC there. Tell DH that he can come see them at your house or at a neutral setting, park or whatever. And tell him and his mother that until MIL accepts that she is not your child's mother you don't think it is in your child's or hers (honestly it sounds like she needs proper help and I wouldn't want to encourage this delusion) for them to see eachother.

Honestly do not let her near the kid, certainly not without you there, until she let's go of this. It's really worrying.

Also, if you're out if work and homeless, which you pretty much are. Surely the council will put you up. Apply as a single person. Your DH has chosen his mother over you, he's made that perfectly clear.

Also, save all the creepy "I want your baby" messages. And open communication a little so she sends more. They'll be invaluable in a custody hearing if he's still living with her.

Is your mil asian from a traditional background! I’m Asian and this toxic behaviour is fairly common and even worse if you’re living with them where the wife is at the bottom of the hierarchy, if so it won’t get better until your Dh grows a backbone but with a lifetime of emotional abuse from his mother I doubt that will happen any time soon. My advice is to move far away from them as possible and if you can avoid co parenting do that as they will go out of their way to make life even more difficult. I too am wondering what your Dh did to you to make you leave, I have a feelings he’s just as bad as her.

Just start saying and doing only what you want OP, things start moving in your way magically.

It's coming up to their day of the week and with all this going on I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of dc going back there.

Then don't. Do something like this I really don't think you can send DC there. Tell DH that he can come see them at your house or at a neutral setting, park or whatever

Or suggest that you should have a trip out together as a family (i.e. You DC and DH) to try to resolve your issues. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot. If he insists that MIL comes too, then that's your answer. And I would be looking for a job and place to live which isn't too close.

Tell DH he’s married to you not his mother and if he wants to save the marriage he must find the 3 of you a home. You need to be assertive with these two and stand firm. If he won’t then I think you have to face the fact the relationship has failed and end it

Your DH is going to have to choose between you and his mother. I agree with the poster who says save all those messages - you may need them in a custody battle. Good luck, OP.

You have my deepest sympathies, this is truly awful. Well done you for being so strong through becoming a mum again and postpartum under the roof of this family.
I wonder if your husband's finances and suggestions of moving in with MIL was the plan all along? Perhaps to find a women willing to have children and move in with him and her was a well thought out, dedicated family decision and remove the mother (you) from the picture has been years in the making?
Your MIL and husband sound unwell and you need to protect your children from them at all costs. This isn't a problem with leave and cleave. Do not leave your children in their care without you.
Get the court order and follow advice of others here. Your children need you to walk away from this unwell man for their happiness and future.
I think you should change the subject each time he brings up his mum.
Or challenge it in a different direction "thank you but that doesn't work for our family."
"My mum doesn't want to parent our children, your mum doesn't need to either."
Etc.

You need legal advice.

I don't think your marriage will survive this. Your DH is going to continue to prioritise his mother over you. He's shown you this. he's not going to change. This is not reasonable and you can't live with this, so you need excellent legal advice and support to get primary custody if possible.

Save all texts, messages, etc from your MIL. Record all conversations you have with her/him quietly on your phone. Don't give them ammunition yourself, just quietly record their unreasonable behaviour towards you and her entitlement to your child.

Good luck.

@AboutEverly

Is MIL “dictating” eating times because she has been making the food in her house? And dil leaving with children obviously does mean she’s taking them from her in a way - she has changed and lessens the grandmother relationship.

I know dil says she feels mil thinks she is the mother but she also says from the first she wanted little family involvement. This strikes me as someone who would find any one involvement which would be normal for many as overbearing. Yet for some reason in spite of this she choose to live with mil - not to mention marry a man who had a family like this and apparently likes it.

I would get as much evidence against them as you can op. I’d be concerned your mil and husband would try to alienate you from your dc if you divorce.

Update: saw dh who gave me an ultimatum that I either allow dc back the house or he takes me to court. He called me controlling and possessive and said that I have issues not his mum. When I said it was his mum being overly bearing that was causing me to feel more against the idea he wouldn't hear it and said I was a bad mum for depriving dc of people who loved her. I'm devoid of emotion or empathy towards him and Mil. When I challenged this and said what about me you aren't hearing my concerns and explained the second mum stance of it he wasn't having it.

So I stupidly agreed to two nights at their house otherwise he said we was done.

He got horrible. Screaming and pointing fingers in my face. Saying he was over all the negativity in the house it was causing him and Mil. I've never seen anything like it. He was hysterical.

So there you go dh and mil got their way and that is that. I have no will power to fight it if it means losing everything I have.

@Petra45 you’re making up scenarios in your head and clearly think you know best so there’s no point trying to reason with you. I will just say though OP said ‘didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting’ She wants MIL involved but not as a parent only as a grandmother. Also Op doesn’t feel like MIL thinks she’s the dc’s mum, mil actually referred to them as her DC not GC.

@Laye I’m really sorry it has come to this. As other poster have advised keep all your messages from MIL & husband. Your husband’s actions sound like it’s escalating so please be careful. Please don’t give up, you need to fight for your child. Your husband’s family setup sounds toxic and you don’t want the, exposed to or influenced by the,.

Typo sorry
the, = them!

No!!! You haven't lost everything!
You don't need to take your child over there.

Go to CAB tomorrow. Call Women's Aid... they will give you a huge amount of help and support. Call them now. Right now. Waste no more time on MN ... call Women's Aid.
See what they say . You are being bullied .
Tell them.

If you are separated, 2 nights is reasonable. Ignore your mil, you do not need to speak to her. Your relationship with your Dh appears to be over: he is a mummy’s boy, it would be very difficult to change him. I would give them the 2 nights and be delighted. If he starts asking for more, he can go to court.

I’d let him take you to court to be honest. While your waiting video and record every conversation secretly and show how he behaves and tell them how scared you are.

as others have said it’s only lost if you give in to it. Stand your ground, this is YOUR baby not hers

I am SO sorry to hear of all you've been going through OP, but to give in now is a really stupid move. Sorry that's blunt, but you're English, you don't HAVE to do what anyone tells you with YOUR child. So far you've done really well in advocating for her, but now, you've simply given in, and you're going to allow them to brain wash your own child against you. While your D/D is with them overnight, what's to stop them taking her off somewhere, where you can't find her? I don't want to frighten you, well, actually, perhaps I do, as I want you to realise that by giving in and allowing them to have her overnight, she could simply disappear somewhere, if they're as bat shit crazy as you're painting them. YOU gave birth to YOUR D/D, not HER! YOU are her mother not HER! So put your big girl pants on and fight for her, that is YOUR job until she is able to fight for herself. PLEASE don't let her down, your child needs YOU!! As for him losing his temper, screaming and wagging a finger in your face, that is simply outrageous, what are you going to do if he refuses to bring her back? So stop being a wimp, as another poster above said, get yourself to CAB contact Women's Aid, but whatever you do, please DO NOT hand her over, if she doesn't go with you, she doesn't go at all. Sorry if I appear to have been a bit full on, but this sort of behaviour makes my blood boil. Good luck OP!