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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

176 replies

Laye · 08/07/2022 11:56

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

OP posts:
Threetulips · 08/07/2022 23:45

He got horrible. Screaming and pointing fingers in my face. Saying he was over all the negativity in the house it was causing him and Mil. I've never seen anything like it. He was hysterical

Hes under pressure from MIL and only you can placate her, before you were getting it in the neck and now he is.

You don’t have to give into him. You can message him and say I’ve changed my mind take me to court.

I would ask for supervised access based on MIL threats towards you and DH actions.

Offer visits to your house twice a week if you prefer. But let him put his concerns to the court. As you aren’t earning you may get free legal advice - use it

DixonD · 08/07/2022 23:48

I’d have told him to take you to court.

It’s not a cheap option for him, and at least you would have something official that he will legally be unable to break i.e they won’t be allowed to refuse to return the child. Letting the child go freely would concern me that they might just try this.

jazzybelle · 08/07/2022 23:52

This all sounds very unreasonable.

SarahProblem · 08/07/2022 23:53

Don't give in OP tell him you've considered it afterwards and what he is suggesting is unacceptable and let him take you to court.

Surely after all this you don't want to be with him ??!!

allboysherebutme · 08/07/2022 23:53

Run a mile from both of them. X

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/07/2022 23:54

Let him try and take you to court, it's got to be better than this! He is behaving awful to you just because of his Mum, or maybe his true colours are showing. Either way do you really want to stay in a relationship with this man?

ThinkWise · 08/07/2022 23:55

May be your DH want to inherit house and wealth from his DM, so he is acting to her emotions???

Azandme · 09/07/2022 00:12

Women's Aid. You need help.

saladsunday · 09/07/2022 00:32

I married an afghan.

His mother was all sweetness and light until I said I was not okay with her calling herself mama to my child unlike her daughters

All hell broke loose

My dh took my side, and our relationship with in-laws never been the same.

I'm telling you now.
Why the fuck do you care about your marriage with dh? He hasn't got your back and now you are pondering to his mums weird demands to "save your marriage" it's an absolute joke, sorry.
Who says your children even want to go twice a week. They are not his mothers children
That's a fucking arrangement.

And I guarantee you will allow them to take your children to their home country too, where he will marry a girl from back home and you possibly may never see your children for a few years (or again) because "his mother" wants them to learn culture and language bla bla bla

I've seen it happen so many times
Take your children and run

Zonder · 09/07/2022 01:03

Don't take your child there until you have got legal advice.

puddlesofmothers · 09/07/2022 09:01

OP your problem is you're trying to hold onto your DH above making the right decision regarding your child. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

You are fighting to save a relationship not worth saving to the detriment of everything else. You must leave him, stop making excuses and be strong for you child:

RockinHorseShit · 09/07/2022 09:16

You need to leave. This sort of enmeshed golden balls dynamics will destroy you & your DCs. There is nothing you can do about it, but I agree with those saying get a court order & cut contact with MIL. You cannot win when your DH is so enmeshed & enabling with his covert narcissistic DM. You need to distance MIL from your DCs & discuss why with a counsellor, GP or SS or something similar to have it on record the damage she does so she cannot get court access.
Please leave, you deserve so much better than this & I say that as someone who watched my DM destroy every relationship my DM ever had for the same sort of behaviour

OurChristmasMiracle · 09/07/2022 09:28

Following your update I would be sending him the following message

”your mother is trying to alienate myself as (insert child’s names) mother. This is toxic and confusing for (child’s name). It is also clear to myself that you are unable or unwilling to protect child’s name from this influence, as a result I can now only allow supervised access to child, which will need to take place away from your home due to the concerns I now have for child and their emotional and mental well being. I will be contacting a solicitor for legal advice on this matter and I am open to mediation”

i would then call a solicitor and get an appointment. Do not allow your child out of you sight. Go to the homeless as a single parent with no income and no where to stay and hopefully they will be able to assist you- Ideally do not let him know where you are and avoid staying with family/friends if he knows where they live.

i would also look to get a divorce but right now that would be low on my list of priorities- it’s time to safeguard your child and yourself from him and his family.

Noticingb · 09/07/2022 09:38

Stop taking on all this drama
stop living in the drama

mil isn’t seeing DC more than once a week and only then if that works for you.
she’s a GP she can get over it. She’d see them every day if she wasn’t a dick

your relationship with DH is dead in the water until he can side with you over MIL. That isn’t happening any time soon, so start setting yourself up as a single parent for now.

Youaremysunshine14 · 09/07/2022 09:46

Rescind the two overnights – I would be having serious doubts they'd hand your child back. Tell him you have serious concerns for the safeguarding of your child given his hysterical outburst and until you can sort this out legally you'll only allow him to have supervised visits at a neutral location, not his mum. She has no rights as the law stands. Then call his bluff and contact a solicitor first thing on Monday morning.

Artichokeleaves · 09/07/2022 10:13

Get yourself to Women's Aid.

Immediately.

I really wouldn't let the children go for the two nights, it would be much better to go through court and get a court order set out so that he cannot refuse to return the children.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 09/07/2022 10:20

Sorry you're going through this.

I agree with PPs you need support from Woman's Aid and legal advice.

Stay strong!

LittleOwl153 · 09/07/2022 12:04

Your marriage is over. You might love him but he doesn't give a damn about you.

Once you get that to sink in, get yourself a lawyer. Tell him to go to court. Use the evidence you have to ask the court to give him access but block his mother. A court order will also mean that you have the right to have the child returned to you at the end of his time. Without it the police cannot intervene - meaning if he takes the kid to his mother's and refuses to return her, you will have to take it to court to get her back.

You need to go mama bear and start fighting for your daughter rather than wasting your time on this pathetic mamma's boy who now hates you because of his mother. You will not win him back.

ImFuminHun · 09/07/2022 12:13

Oh sweet Jesus, what is occurring here?
You poor sod.

He is an abusive arsehole and his mother is as bad - if not worse.

Leave, this will not get better.

Please don't agree to his BS, be strong. Don't go back. Stay with your sister.

So it's been left with your daughter staying there two nights a week?

Do you feel sure she will be given back to you?

kateandme · 09/07/2022 17:13

This will not stop up.can you not see what he threat and then did.because you backed down.however hard it was to bare you did in fact let him win.u let him threaten you.that isn't YOU! That isn't the proud mama beat willing to fight for her child.i know it.i just no from your very first post you felt this was off,wrong and u came here to make it stop.
What have they don't to you.do not let them take any more of your life,I stints,esteem and strength.
Because trust me this isn't the end of it.ooooh no just the beginning.thwyve only in their eyes won round one.and now they no,more will come.

She will continue this.and this isn't just shit because your being manipulated and broken bug the effects of the next stages is that your child is going to be hurt,culted,manipulated.YOU are the only one who can stop that I'm afraid.

Your husband has chosen sides.he has crossed a line.u do not want this man in your life.he cannot love you to do this.

You can be free and get boundaries back.
You can let him take you to court.and note everything you've said here about him and mil. You can tell them your fears, reel them off and the court will see.
You will feel empowered for gift to g the fuckers back.

I'm so sorry op.but the fighting of this situation means you ha d to do the hard shit.but its for you,for your child.

This won't stop for them.its how they are.they won't suddenly be completely different people now they can have 2 nights.so What s next....

Holly60 · 09/07/2022 21:21

Yeah I think you need to finish this relationship. He isn't going to change. End it with him now or you'll regret it.

Hatsoff5 · 09/07/2022 21:34

Sorry but your DH is from a weird family. The thing is he doesn't realise!

How old are your kids? How long is the distance. 50/50 would be difficult if your kids are school age.

I would take it to court tbh your DH obviously isn't normal either.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 09/07/2022 21:49

If he gave a shit about you or the child he wouldn’t be doing this.

If he cared he wouldn’t be siding with his mum.

Do you really want to be with someone who has no respect for you?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/07/2022 22:35

You mentioned a therapist - this all needs to be discussed with them so that if it goes to court this person can write a report on what has been disclosed. Refuse to speak to MIL - tell DH that your relationship is with him and he is the one you will be speaking to, but you are no longer prepared to talk directly to MIL because of her behaviour. Since she is HIS mother, you have no responsibility to communicate with her. Get advice from Womens Aid asap - this is abusive behaviour on your DHs part.

EllaDuggee · 09/07/2022 23:02

This is really worrying OP you need to stop trying to appease your DH, do you really want him back after this? I wouldn't allow two nights overnight, he can see your DC at your place or a park but not where his mother is because of her trying to take over as her mum which is seriously disturbing. As others have said please keep evidence of this and let him take you to court for access. Can your family help support you emotionally to fight this? As you do really need to fight.