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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

176 replies

Laye · 08/07/2022 11:56

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

OP posts:
Floraanddougal · 08/07/2022 12:36

Laye · 08/07/2022 12:35

@InChocolateWeTrust no because I would claim for financial support as a single parent. Together since dh now works our income would not be enough to move out and sustain ourselves unless I got a really good paying job which isn't going to happen right away as I haven't been in work since pregnancy

But you would get benefits?

Original poster
Laye · 08/07/2022 12:37

@Petra45 this is alot more than a supportive family. Mil is used to raising her grandchildren as their own with her children's blessing of course. I never wanted that. I wanted independence and to be the only "mum" in the equation. I am not stopping her from being a grandparent but I will not let her push to be a second mum

OP posts:
Floraanddougal · 08/07/2022 12:38

Op are you very young?

Original poster
Laye · 08/07/2022 12:38

@Floraanddougal not enough. I spoke to CA and they said because dh earns so much we are in a grey area of being entitled to nothing after deductions. The only way forward in terms of housing is by myself or we both wait it out until I get a job and start saving which in that case we are looking at another couple of years before the move. If mil continues this behaviour our relationship will not survive that

OP posts:
DiamanteDelia · 08/07/2022 12:39

I would suggest you see a solicitor with a view to divorce. Does your husband or MIL have links to any other country?

Thereisnolight · 08/07/2022 12:40

Good luck and stick to your guns.
I’d normally be sympathetic to the MILs but not in this case.

PeekAtYou · 08/07/2022 12:41

This isn't going to be solved unless you get your own place.

What would happen if your h stood up to his mum? I'm guessing that he'd be homeless which is exactly why he's not standing up to her. As he's living under her roof, it's easier to pretend that you are the problem and sympathise with her. Even though she's unreasonable, he has a lifetime of Fear-Obligation-Guilt so is probably conditioned to agreeing with her in order to have an easy life as possible.

Imagine that you had your own place and broke up. Who'd he be living with then? Yes, MIL.
You are in a lose-lose situation. You break up and he goes for 50/50 contact, MIL gets more contact with dc and no contact with you. You continue as you are. MIL doesn't have to have contact with you and has her son being sympathetic.

It's not clear what your h really thinks. As he's easily manipulated by MIL I wonder if he's telling you what you want to hear too?

The only way you get what you want is to secure a home away from MIL. Your h isn't going to change while she drops poison in his ear.

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2022 12:42

Your husband is putting you at the bottom of the pile. This won't improve. Do you honestly want to be married to someone who will always put his mum first? Honestly?

Fawnia · 08/07/2022 12:42

Whatever he’s done to you has been enough for you to move out. It sounds like he’s actually worse than just being his mums puppet.

Floraanddougal · 08/07/2022 12:43

Op have you posted about this before under a different name? You are very young, moved in with his mum during lockdown, then fell pregant and just stayed?

Dinogirl50 · 08/07/2022 12:48

You did the right thing leaving,he would of had you living there forever
he’s married to his mum ,you don’t stand a chance x sorry to say

Notanotherwindow · 08/07/2022 12:48

I'd honestly be splitting with your DH. There are 3 people in this relationship and while he sees no problem with that, nothing is going to change. This relationship is not healthy.

My advice would be to separate, move a few miles away if you can and allow him every other weekend with dc but nothing more. If he wants to take them to see his mother on his weekend then that's his choice but she wouldn't see dc except for that. If he wants more access then he needs to go through court.

This whole dynamic is toxic and unhealthy for the children. They have one mum. You. She is their nan not their parent and if she can't accept that then you need distance from her.

Petra45 · 08/07/2022 12:49

@Laye

Thats what I meant, the other children and their partners are fine with her being involved grandmother but your more of a keep family seperate type of person who sees family differently and perhaps less extended and more easily ended.

Im surprised this didn’t come up before children. I’d think your dh actually wants his mother involved like his other siblings rather than for her kept at arms length. Perhaps he’s more traditionally family orientated as his family and your aren’t.

Were you ware his family was close before this?

ManateeFair · 08/07/2022 12:53

How old are you, OP? Are you a very young mum? Is your MIL of an age where she could feasibly be the parent of a baby herself?

I think it’s your MIL who needs therapy, I think. It is not normal for a grandparent to feel like a parent to their grandchild, and it is not normal for them to be ‘distraught’ at not having their grandchild there 24/7. The fact that you say she likes to take on other people’s kids is quite telling, I think - I think she has a psychological issue around babies and children to be honest. And it also sounds like her relationship with her own son is way too controlling and intense.

Original poster
Laye · 08/07/2022 12:54

@Petra45 no he just wants his mum to be happy. Even if that means at my expense. Mil wasn't "involved" with the other gc she literally raised them since her children didn't want to raise them themselves. I never wanted that for me or my dc. I made it clear from the get go I wanted to raise my dc and that she didn't need to

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 08/07/2022 12:55

You have a dh problem if he wont stand up for you you dont have a marriage-you dont even live together and hes still causing a problem

it will never change just go and get some legal advice

Figgygal · 08/07/2022 12:55

This is so fucked up
She wants to raise your children as her own - wtf,????

11Hawkins · 08/07/2022 12:56

I would message her and be honest:

No mil you are not raising DC as your own child. S/he is my child. I am their mother. I find your behaviour extremely erratic and disturbing.
You are their grandmother and you are damaging my child by taking over and confusing them, If you continue on with this behaviour I will have to stop all contact as you're not only potentially causing my child distress, you're causing me distress and breaking up my marriage with your mentally unsound toxic behaviour. I will not hesitate to take out a restraining order if you continue.

Leave your DH. If he wanted your own little house together he'd of done it by now, he just wants to keep his mum happy, he doesn't care about you and your feelings.

Shgytfgtf111 · 08/07/2022 12:58

She messaged me saying she wants to be able to "raise dc as her own".

This bothers me massively. I think I would send a rather curt reply back along the lines of 'you wont be doing that as the dc are not yours so that is not something you can choose or decide to do. You are welcome to be in their lives as a grandparent but no more'

And send the same to your husband.

allgoodabc · 08/07/2022 13:01

@Laye so sorry you have to deal with this. It must feel so unnerving to have someone like that literally trying to replace you as a mother. For your own husband to even somewhat be on her side is particularly outrageous. Does he treat you well usually?

It sounds borderline predatory behaviour, is it possible your MiL was emotionally abusive to your husband growing up? It seems like he is reverting to a childhood role in this, as though he is powerless in the face of his guilt about his mother. That’s not an excuse, I think I would create as much distance as legally possible between you & dc and that whole family for now.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/07/2022 13:01

I would be moving far far away from this pair of nutters.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 13:08

Your marriage is over, as it should be. Your husband and his mother are so enmeshed it's scary. Run like hell.

Floraanddougal · 08/07/2022 13:08

I’m not sure this is quite how it’s being presented. If this is the poster I’m thinking of a lot is being missed out.

GrandRapids · 08/07/2022 13:09

What kind of dysfunction has gone on in this family that your MIL has ended up raising numerous other children as her own?

You said she messaged you saying she wants to raise your children as her own. I think you should message her back and tell her that this will absolutely not happen now or ever. She sounds mentally unwell.

I see your dilemma, you stay with your husband and nothing changes or you leave and he gets the children 50% of the time with her, without you there

I'm not sure if you can lay down your own terms, as in, he sees the children every other weekend or something? Is it legal to do that? How often does he see them now and where does he see them?

Trivester · 08/07/2022 13:13

What I would do in this situation (and it’s very easy to say from behind a screen) is split up with your dh, agree access to the dc, and it’s up to him to facilitate his dm during his time with dc.

Stop dealing directly with her.

You can let him know that you are open to a reconciliation but that ball is in his court. If he wants to try and win you back.

But raise your standards. I have a hard time parting with my old comfiest clothes so I ask myself if I would buy it on eBay/charity shop in its current condition and if the answer is no, it’s time to let it go. So ask yourself if he was a new guy that you’d just met, would you be willing to start a serious relationship or marry him? That’s the bar he has to reach.

Don’t worry about her (or him) thinking yabu because there is no way of satisfying her. She’s a bottomless pit. Her opinion of you is irrelevant.