Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

[Laye]

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

IDK if you've heard of 'enmeshment' and 'triangulation' but it might be worth you doing a quick Google to understand what's going on between your DH and his mother. Appeals to his better nature or logic are just not going to work.

Their relationship is too close, that's called enmeshment. People who are enmeshed lack healthy boundaries and cannot cope with distance.
www.verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps-5223635

That creates 'triangulation'; there are 3 points in a triangle and the connection between them is on the short side.
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617

It’s not a mil problem, it’s a dh problem. He’ll never see your side because he’s creating your side.

get rid of him

This sounds really familiar..Wasn't this asked about a few months ago?
Son happy to live at his mum's house {with debts if I remember} so say he couldn't save.
Looks like it isn't getting any better.
It's obvious if it's the mother's house she feels ''In control''.

Only thing to do is move out.
Fast.

I just need and want to get dh on my side again.

Sorry OP, but I really don't think this is going to happen, and even if it miraculously did there's nothing to say he wouldn't go back to his Mum again... You'd be living in constant fear of the situation repeating itself. I think, unfortunately, the damage done.

Also, I understand giving in feels like the easier option but please don't. Think of the damage MIL will do to your child. Get DC as far away from her as possible. Your 'D'H has made his choices very clear - neither you nor DC matter to him. Time to work on your escape plan (and I really do mean escape).

💐

You need to mute MIL. You need to do so for your own health, but also if DH continues to use you as a meat shield between himself and his mother it will take him longer to understand the impact she is having on you.

You need to stop dealing with her entirely. Let him handle her. He comes to you saying she said this, you must do that- you turn it back on him -his mother. He deals with her. He needs to stop bringing her tripe to your door. You don't need to hear what MIL thinks.

If it is an important decision you need to hear what DCs father thinks...
MIL thinks we shouldn't get DC vaccinated.
Vaccinations aren't due till age 3
But MIL says we shouldn't get them done.
Well there is time to consider vaccinations when she's due
But MIL says vaccination will harm dc
I think vaccinations are good for dc as does the doctors. What do YOU think?
MILs say...
I'm not interested in what MIL says. I asked what you think....

you need to detach from her completely and hope that he follows the lead. Have no more interest in what she has to say than you would a colleague or someone you meet at the supermarket. He needs to deal with the anguish she causes him - not dumping her baggage directly on you to sort.

finally It sounds you both playing tug of war. and DH's is no fault.

He is yours, but he expect you to own others too.

You were making rules and boundaries in her house (don't want to be rude with you).

May be you treating DC as she is treating her house and her DC, her DDIL, her DGC.

We live and learn. rules and bounds keep changing and even get wiped off if we allow to agree to disagree.

It is hard, but our circumstances should teach us to be inclusive .

DMIL, and your DM also sounds same to me, but we take what we like.

please let me know if anything awful you feel in my response, you really want to save your marriage but same time do not like mil winning or may be you want to win, which is actually tug of war. DH has and should have gratitude to mum while he still using her space, and may be he believes in her which is not really harmful, but if it is over the time DH would definitely realise, for it to happen you both settle your lives first than giving importance to win MIL.

What did your DH do that made you leave?

I spoke to CA and they said because dh earns so much we are in a grey area of being entitled to nothing after deductions.

I missed this before. Why is your DH still living with his mum if he is earning a decent living? Have you explored this with him?

It all just points to the fact that he doesn't want to ever leave her. And he doesn't care enough about what that means for his marriage.

I really feel for you. Your mil sounds so dysfunctional and lacking in boundaries and your partner is completely under her spell.

You are absolutely right to see her behaviour as a red flag. It is totally unreasonable and over the top from her.

Please keep being strong and keep your boundaries in place. She has learnt that by stamping her feet and tantruming she gets her own way. You need to cut your ties to her. She does not have a right to visitation with your child and I wouldn't make a formal agreement to this. If your partner takes your child yo visit her then fine but that's it. Also keep screenshot of all the mental messages she sends you. The more unhinged the better in case she gets any crazy ideas about applying for custody.

Be strong op. There's no reasonable way to deal with people like this. You don't need this stress in your life, she is not your problem..

Ok do you really want to stay with a man that would test you like this.make you feel this unsupported ,nervous ,scared and fearful for your future and child's? Id be sad.distressed and in somw kind of grief but i couldnt love someone after this.Because yes she is initiating this but the fact that he isn't standing up for you or even seeing it as a problem is huge red flag.and I don't know how you can want to be with someone that doesn't see what she's doing as absolutely horrific.
Would you leave him if you knew she couldn't get the hand on him for the 50% care?there must be a way to do this.
Or even of not you would still have control over him more than your giving now,which is always in limbo.hed be with you half the time exclusively.alone.goung back there she is always there.you have no counter balance.
And how can you even think of letting this happen and giving her what she wants,going back?.this will harm your child!
I don't no how you can stay with him.im sorry I keep trying to get my head into that space for you,to work from there but the way he is acting and being I just can't.

Oh and I don't know how far away from MIL your sister is but I would be aiming to be a significant distance away once you move independently- different secondary school catchment - ideally a different county. You need to be 30/40mins drive I think. And I'd do that ASAP before your husband decided he is going to try to stop you.

Have you spoken to the council hosuing office? You won't be priority to them as you are housed with your sister - but then can often help with rental deposits and guarantee schemes which might help you if you can't get a house on social housing. Your own place needs to be a priority.

Except she isn't in her MIL's house any more, and her boundaries still aren't being respected.

Also - even if you are living under someone's roof, it is not unreasonable to have some personal boundaries in place. In fact, it's normal and healthy.

I would think your insight that she's after achieving breaking up you and dh, and then him (or in fact her) getting 50/50 or becoming resident parent is probably very likely.

You cannot disillusion dh, the kind of enmeshment she has going there is very difficult to break out of, and she's been training him all his life. The first thing to be very aware of is that if you continue a separated relationship or choose to divorce, a court will keep a child's routine as much like it already is as possible. So if you and dh are not living together, be very careful about contact, particularly contact that is essentially MiL's time rather than time with dad, because a court is likely to fix in place what you already have. If it's 50% with MiL that may stay. If you go back to living together, it is much more likely that MiL will successfully puppet dh for 50/50 as child will have been living full time in a house where dh is. You may also get arguments from MiL in court about dh/her being the 'main' carer (and so child should stay in the family home with them, you move out, and they be the resident parents, and you get the every other weekends.) So I would be very careful about returning to live with them.

You will also through the process need to be open about MiL's peculiar attachments with dc and that she is actively voicing a desire to take dc away from you and enact her own needs using them, because that is going to go down with a court like a lead balloon. I'd quietly be keeping evidence via emails/letters if you can.

Your DC is not your MILs child and you should have shot that down the second she said it with a “but you can’t raise my child as your own because you are not their parent, I will raise my child as i wish to”

why did you ever allow her to think she could raise your child as her own?

also if she messages asking for more contact just state “1-2 a week is more than a lot of grandparents get and is the same as my own family, myself and DH also need time alone with our child”

stop allowing her to bully you. Block her if you need to. If DH says mums upset you blocked her/haven’t responded etc state that this is not your problem, you need to enforce boundaries as she is not prepared to listen.

OP's DH is still in her house ,and not with OP. and OP could not afford to get him out. and all the mess started when OP joined with DH into MIL's house. we do send DC to nursery and they do their own rules but not ours. OP needs help and support but want it in her own way ,is harming her more than helping. you never know, if MIL fallowing her own boundaries and staying as much away also make you feel deprived in such co-operative household situation.

@Floraanddougal

That is the impression I’m getting too. Involved grandmother who misses her grandkids after wife leaves her son? Or over bearing monster in law?

Set upon wife being pressed by mother and son to give up her own kids to their control? Or wife sick of her husband who can’t stand his family never wanted them involved in any way, despite the fact he did?

I say this in the nicest way possible but you need to get your shit together. My DH was taken to Court by exs grandparents for full custody. He won, eventually but it was a very difficult and traumatic time for us all.
If your MIL/DH was to proceed down that route then you would be expected to show you can provide your child with a stable home. Id cut them out completely and start making a new life for yourself and your child. They may never do this but I would begin arrangements now on the basis that you're a single parent.
Your MIL is bat shit, I wouldnt be surprised if she is already planning something. And if you're DH backs her then it's only going to cause you more difficulty.
I dont want to seem like I'm scaremongering but I always work on worst case scenario and try and plan for every possible eventuality.

It reminds me of a poster who was early twenties, moved in with her boyfriend and his mum during Covid, then fell pregnant and never left, felt the mother was over bearing, she wanted ri be treated like an adult, she didn’t work and hadn’t since pregnancy just stayed about the house all day with the poor mum, and folks were pointing out the social benefits they could get but the pair of them were behaving like teens. For some reason it reminds me of that.

@Laye - I think you need to tell your dh that it is NOT your job to facilitate contact with his mother - he is welcome to do that in his own time with his dd.

And if I were you, I would send a very firm, unambiguous message to your MIL, saying that you are your dd’s mum, not her. That she will not be ‘raising her as her own’, and that she will not be getting much contact with her granddaughter until she learns where the boundaries are, and that she MUST not cross them!

Dh and I recently became grandparents for the first time, and we are thrilled, excited, over the moon - and 100% determined to respect any and all boundaries set by ds1 and his lovely wife. We know we are the grandparents, not the parents.

me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left.

What did he do to you?
Sounds like a dreadful man to have reproduced with , poor kid stuck with him and his freak of a mother for relatives. Good luck with that, what are your plans to safeguard your kid?

You can get yourself on the homelessness register if your sister gives you an ultimatum to move out. You'll get more help from the council with getting alternative accommodation.

If OP and her DH split I can see the crazy MIL pushing her son to try to get full custody of her GC so he'll be the resident parent so she can pretend to be her GC's mum.

It's perverse that she wants to pretend to her and her own son are the DC's parent.She needs therapy.

Do you not find it odd that the MIL is raising all her other grandkids as her own?

That's dysfunctional, and it's not the OP's doing.

Stop looking at it as if it's a competition between you and your MIL for a start. There is you and your boundaries and they should not be crossed by either your DH or her if he's not respecting what yours are then you need to move on from him

@Octomore

Is she actually raising them as her own though? As in they live with her and she’s some kind of big mama figure to them all?
Or does she just see them a lot and is very involved in her kids lives (which they welcome)?