Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

[Laye]

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

I managed to miss a lot of your updates op. Ignore my post

Dh is still living with mil. So if we break up she would be delighted as that would mean dh having dc 50 percent of the time and so can she. My own dm has warned me that she has a bad feeling about Mil and how she is acting out and that I can't trust her. My dm is worrying that if this happens mil will try to keep dc there with dh which of course with dhs help she would be able to do. I'm banging against a wall here feeling like I'm losing my family first my husband and now my child

At one point my MIL thought along similar lines and was publicly telling people this. My advice you need your DH on your side - you need to make it clear MIL is odd one seeking arguments here.

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage - see if there are any techniques in here that could help.

Best thing distance - but for DH as well and getting financial independence must be the priority that may need study might have to wait or be p/t - who need to be on your own two feet as soon as possible - dependent on his family for nothing neither a roof or childcare.

You’ve posted about this before just worded it slightly differently to make it seem an issue with your MIL. Why keep posted the same thing over and over, on your other thread it became quite clear that it’s your DH is the problem and your issue with your MIL is just a smokescreen. Take some of the advice from your other thread.

She messaged me saying she wants to be able to "raise dc as her own".

This is abreally important message for you to keep. It will be important when you go to any custody hearings.

What is your DHs involvement with DC currently? Does he do all the changing nappies feeding etc? Or is dc rearing left to you? I'm wondering whether he is an involved enough parent to go for custody on his own or whether it would be purely for MIL - who you might be able to block completely. What is the process of MIL/DH seeing dc now? Who is there?

I would block MIL on your phone, or at least mute her so that you don't see her tripe but it is there ready for your custody hearings! And if your 'd'h rings you and tells you to read her message tell him 'no'. You are a grown woman you do not need to do as you are told by either of them.

This is like something out of a nightmare. I'm so sorry.

Your DH is enmeshed with his mum. I'm afraid I don't think you'll get him back while you're living apart, or while he's with her so much.

The current set up seems like your best bet for getting most time with your child and keeping a 50/50 arrangement from happening. Could you get mil to ease off the pressure by appearing to meet some of her demands and talking a very conciliatory talk. Just things like "I'm so sorry you feel that way, it isn't the case at all, DC loves his gran and we just have a busy schedule at the moment. Love our regular meet ups." And keep your DH in vaguely positive limbo.

She sounds like she has a screw loose and desperate measures need to be taken to avoid your child being with her half the time.

@little

How long ago did you leave their home? Does your DH say he hopes you will reconcile?

@LittleOwl153 i thought the exact same thing. The message with her saying she feels like a parent and wants to raise dc as her own is valuable. I have her on mute. Blocked her for a while but when dh showed upset towards this I unblocked her. As a pps said "nightmare" is the right word. I don't know why people think I've posted this before but nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with crazy Inlaws! I just need and want to get dh on my side again. I miss him and he feels so out of reach and I feel so alone. I will be devastated if she manages to get her way out of this all.

Some days I feel it is better to cave in and give what she wants for an easier life but as pps said this is extremely disturbing toxic behaviour and if I enable too like dh it will only get worse. She never wanted us to move out of her house. And it seems dh never wanted it either.

But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more

I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent"

She messaged me saying she wants to be able to "raise dc as her own".

No expert, but MIL's messages may be useful to you in the future if you need to make a case that contact with MIL would be detrimental to your own relationship with your child. Also save the msgs from your husband as they may illustrate how biased he is/under MILs influence. Best to get informed advice on this.

Can you keep all these messages backed up somewhere other than on your phone and where your husband can't access them? I don't know if that is possible... or screen shot them and email them to a new email address that your husband can't access and copy them to someone you can fully trust.

I think your MIL comes across as extremely manipulative rather than emotionally immature. BUT not necessarily so clever. I'd let her keep sending messages of this type as, to my mind, the more she reveals about the 'mother' type relationship she wants to create with her grandchild the better.

How old are you both?

@Laye Are you white British? Not that the advice would be much different in any case, but just wondering if there is a cultural element to this as it sounds quite extreme.

What kind of dysfunction has gone on in this family that your MIL has ended up raising numerous other children as her own?

Exactly! Nothing about any of this is normal. I feel like there must be some backstory to this.

When you realised that none of his siblings had raised their own children, didn't you have some misgivings about getting involved with this family? Yet you chose to live with them when you clearly had other options (i.e. where you're living now).

@Butchyrestingface yes we are all white British but you would think there was a cultural element to this from the way it sounds! Mil definitely has a child complex and has always been surrounded by children/babies. Dh is the last one to have a child so I think this is why it's affecting her more. I'm 26 dh is nearing 28.

I was also wondering if there was a cultural element here.

It would change my advice though, which would be to get as far away from this family as you can, and retain majority custody of your child.

@Octomore goven I did find it all very strange that dh had nieces/nephews/cousins raised as siblings but when he explained it all sounded very matter of fact. It just happened that dh siblings were all young or broke when they had children so their mum happily stepped in and took over. I did find it strange at first but when dh said the children were told that his dm wasn't their mum I felt a little less weird by it. Besides it was what his sibling wanted and so did she so it clearly all worked out! So now mil paints it as a favour to me that she wants to raise my child and can't understand why I'm completely opposed to it....

The red flags where right there in my face huh....

I just assumed as I wasn't her dc she wouldn't of taken the same stance.

I feel pretty stupid

^ wouldn't change my advice

What did he do to you that made you leave? If it is DV did you report - cos if you did report this could be gateway to getting Legal Aid, which I am pretty sure you are going to need. See a SHL and get your ducks in a row etc.

I think once someone crosses a line it's hard for them to come back from it.

This. Not the rules and boundaries OP, you better win her by being kind with her. try to heel it up. finally It sounds you both playing tug of war. and DH's is no fault. He is yours, but he expect you to own others too. like you were making rules and boundaries in her house (don't want to be rude with you). May be you treating DC as she is treating her house. It's how we live and learn. Rules and bounds keep changes and if we go in right path they get wiped off. It is hard, but our circumstances should teach us to be inclusive. DMIL, and your DM also sounds same to me,but we take what we like.

@Minskie24 sorry what's a SHL?

shit hot lawyer

@ThinkWise sorry I don't understand your comment?

One thing is clear - your marriage is over. Don't think of it as your MIL 'winning', think of it as you getting freedom from a man who clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Keep your children, allow MIL supervised contact once a week, and commence divorce proceedings. Keep the evidence you have of her wanting to raise your child - you may well need it.

Abandon any hope yiu might be harbouring that your DH will suddenly become the man you need him to be. If he hasn't got there at 28 years old, he's not going to get there.

Good point - make sure you take advice if there was DV as you may be able to access support/legal aid.

.Dh is the last one to have a child so I think this is why it's affecting her more. I'm 26 dh is nearing 28.

It does sound like she struggles to see either of you as competent adults - we had this though we live and worked independently of our families for years before children.

Are your sure the other children were happy for her to raise their kids - are DIL/SIL around still if so how do they cope? If not I'd point that out to DH and subtly suggest his mother could be the reason.

Long term I'd suggest physically moving away from the area - have it as a goal to work towards.

You said you have no money as a couple to live together, but you also said DH earns too much for benefits/council housing?