Mil calls herself dcs "mum"

[Laye]

Me and dh have been living with MiL whilst DH got his work sorted. I have and am always grateful for her putting us up but I made it clear (I was pregnant with dc at the time) that I didn't want mil involved too much in dcs parenting.

MIL has a habit of this since she has a history of taking on overs children and raising them as her own. That was fine as it was what was wanted at the time by her own dc however I did not want that and communicated this. Dh agreed and promised me this wasn't a permanent living arrangement and that we would be out before dc was born. That obviously didn't happen and one year on we was still there. Mil became particularly overbearing and boundaries where crossed. She began dictating bed times/feed times ect. It didn't stop there and her opinions crossed over into me and dhs relationship.

It all came to head when sh*t hit the fan and me and dh had a major argument over something he did to me. I left. MIL has been distraught since telling me I'm "taking my dc" from her and that she feels as if she is her "parent". I agreed mil can see dc every week 1/2 times which I think is more than enough and exactly what my DF gets. But MIL won't accept this and has been pressuring/guilt tripping me with messages ever since saying she needs to see dc more. I am standing my ground because she needs to realise she is NOT dcs mum and the fact that she feels like one is the issue! The problem is that she has been "crying" to dh everyday and this is affecting me and dhs relationship. He thinks i am the unreasonable one for this and blames me for the upset of his mum. We are trying to amend our relationship but I've told dh I can't go back there which of course he doesn't like.

DH has now become cold and distant with me and I feel like MIL is manipulating and involving herself into the situation way too much. Me and DH arent going to survive this but I don't know what to do as he won't hear anything bad about her (not that I insult her to his face) and defends her instantly.

I really don't want to lose DH or my family. That was not my intentions moving out of Mils home but I couldn't cope anymore and it was only getting worse. I felt like she had a say in every aspect of my life and now I feel like dh is prioritising her over me. When me and DH have a good day and he is finally kind and loving to me he goes home to mil and comes back to me with a horrible attitude.

Aibu for only letting her see dc 1/2 a week? Am I being overly dramatic or is this on them

But this is the problem isn't it? You have dc that you can't provide even the basics for. You have thrown yourself on the mercy of mil, who has in turn behaved badly. Thank God you have moved out. But I had DS and his gf living here for one YEAR. Not a job between them in all that time. Paid me £50 a month between them. When I would interfere and tell them how to improve their lives they had the gall to tell me that they were independent adults! I did not respect them. I did not even trust them to lock up if they went out. They turned into a pair of overgrown teenagers. Could this have happened to you? You have to make your own way. You cannot rely on mil. You have taken on the role of children and she has taken on the role of parent, but your choices (both of you not just you) have led to this.

Hey OP - telling you some of my story in the hope it helps - my MIL was a very powerful person in the family who I feared at times too. re 2004 -2009. she got cancer in 2009. Was still very loud and strong personality till 2017 though , passed on in 2019 of breast cancer. By that time I was 40 and most of the issues had become non issues or just softened I guess with time. I wanted to leave at one point in my early to mid 30s and I didnt as my husband said he couldnt live with just weekends with our son , he would try for more - I didnt want either of us to feel the pain of not seeing the beautiful baby everyday that we had created together, despite all the troubles, we had created a son whom I believed and still believe both of us love very much. I stayed as I said and things very very very slowly got better or our tolerance grows with time too. Life is all about personal choices that feel right to you. No one else's answer is going to feel right. You have to make the choice, none of us can have our cake and eat it too though. if you love your child and cant bear even every other weekend (at best) away from her, and a part of you doesnt want to give up your husband either, then stay. work on the issues one by one - first of all get a job, it gets you away from the house if nothing else and productive and engaged, but your child in nursery as soon as of age to do so or day care even sooner for some hours a day - it gives your child normality with other children and trained independent carers - study at night if you have to or weekends - work hard and make your dreams come true , dont despair - very few ppl are ever best friends with their MIl, there are all kinds of freaks out there - if you love your little family (kid and husband) then dont let the sphere outside that get to you so much - so she rants that the kid is hers, doesnt make it true . you reacting is what gives it weight. Dont let this define you at all. Get financially independent both of you (and you should be at 26 and as a parent) everything else will fall into context.

Are you from a different culture because this sounds like batshit Asian mother territory. I've witnessed this type of behaviour in vertly traditional Asian families. The MIL is the matriarch and everyone has to toe the line, these mils love their sons more than their own dh's.

Spot on Lingo flame , yep asian mother here .....wow :) ......wow wow wow .....never realised how conditioned I have been .....

I solemnly promise not to repeat history when my own son is grown though ....moved to the UK 15 years ago from India .....son is almost fully scottish in everything he says and does though .....

I'd contact her and say something along the lines of...

This has got to stop. DC is my child, not yours, I will be raising them, not you. Is that understood?

I will let you see DC as I have already stated but anymore of this harassment from you or your son and I will stop all contact and apply for a no molestation order. You have gone too far. I thought moving out of your house would improve things but it appears to have ramped this up a notch and your behaviour is making me feel that DC and I are unsafe. This is your opportunity to change that, don't blow it.

@sussanna it's almost like emotional incest the way these women behave over their sons. It's quite fascinating but disturbing to watch them in action. These women do the job of keeping other women under control on behalf of the men. The men don't do the disciplining and breaking up relationships, the women do the dirty work. They think they're powerful, they're not as the men are the real puppet masters.

oh hey assumed you were talking to me , was it OP you were asking, sorry

scary to see yes

She sounds unhinged, or at the very least over- invested. The role of a grandparent ( as I see it but accept other cultures can be different) is to support, help when asked but never interfere.
Please keep all records of the bizarre things your MIL texts or messages you. I’ve no idea why she should think she can raise your child as her own.
Write down any concerns you have about her behaviour—- if you and DH do separate you will need evidence.
Twice a week is perfectly acceptable to see a dgc. Your DH needs to stand up to his mother if he doesn’t want to lose you.

@Lingoflaming
That's not totally Asian mil's fault. they themselves went through awful event's with their own DH and get hopes growing on DC, and DC's see their mum sufferings too.. Some Mils don't love their own DH but they can't get out that mess too. MILS are victims too in the feudal Asian society. They are not developed countries but developing countries only. Women are slowly becoming Independent like @sussanna . Asian family system is still attractive as relationships are not broken that easily, life being single mum is dreading as govt's do not provide housing and living based on that. Not easy to find a new partner when you are single mum. Please be kind with MILs, you can never imagine what they went trough and why their DSs being supportive to them.

The role of a grandparent ( as I see it but accept other cultures can be different) is to support, help when asked but never interfere.

Text her this and see if she agrees OP. we can not expect everyone educated as much we expected them to be. please focusing on sort youself with money and house than fighting with her.

Oh man this sounds rather “Culty” your DH is brainwashed as has been the rest of his siblings

I read your responses OP. if you are white British you can leave him and have better life, but if you say "I want DH on my side", you putting boundaries around him, you forgetting he too has his rules and boundaries. you are taking it to your ego and thinking she wins. make up you mind, if you only want DH ,adjust with him or if you want DC leave them. 50% custody is not acceptable. He can have for weekends. do not worry that MIL spoils your child. She can't.

She messaged me saying she wants to be able to "raise dc as her own".

keep this message.

and I wouldn't be letting DH have any unsupervised contact with DC. If he takes them home and refuses to hand back because MIL has convinced him she will take care....

I will give you some advice. You need to take MIL out of your vocabulary.

Do not refer to her in any way, good or bad.

Change your choice of words/

Im not happy to give DC over to anyone for more than a couple of hours a week, I miss him, I want to be the one to change his nappies, I want to see his first steps, I want you to be my partner on this. I’d like you to do x and y - I want us to be a family.

State what you want

It's coming up to their day of the week and with all this going on I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of dc going back there. Mil erratic behaviour isn't helping and if anything pushing away.

"culty" is a good word for it. It's like if you upset one you actively go against them both. Thing is mil sent messages saying I have offered to babysit and have dc over for the night which I acknowledged but she keeps being persistent with it so it clearly isn't an "offer" per say but a demand

Please do not send DC to them when you are not feeling good at all. as PP said, say your wants and stop sending DC for their day. That might triggers separation or DH come out of this mess. Be ready for anything. Do not send DC to her house anymore,

Then send her a message.

I do not want to leave DC overnight with anybody. I am not comfortable with that. As it stands I may allow it when his older but for now he’s my responsibility.
Please refrain from pushing me on this matter.

Petra have you actually been reading OP’s comments? She has stated:
Mil dictating sleep and eating times
Mil is distraught because op took away ‘her child’
Mil feels she is the parent
mil wants to raise dc as her own
mil used to raising other grandchildren as her own BUT with her children’s bless.She took over raising the other Gc’s. OP doesn’t want that, op wants to raise her child. Op wants mil to be a grandmother, not a mother.

This is exactly what op said, mil thinks she is the mum.

How are you not understanding this?

Ok. Time to say not to the visit. Time to go to CMS to get child maintenance because he is working and it isn't as though he has rent to pay etc.

Make the break. Don't look back. Any contact she has with DC is during her son's contact with DC. Don't agree to 50/50 residency

Yes, I agree. Leeching off a partner’s parents isn’t perhaps the greatest framework for a healthy relationship. Particularly when the dislike is palpable

I will add, when you have a bay you are their advocate - and you need to pull up your big girl pants and state what’s acceptable and what isn’t. You’ll have years being their voice.

What's the contact agreement with you and DH with regards DC?

If he did 50/50 custody or weekday and EOW she would get to see them more.

If parented equally this wouldn't be an issue.

(Yes I know that means her seeing dc more but on his contact time do can do what he likes)

I think you need you need to work on your own situation first and foremost i.e. find somewhere to live , approach the council about homeless accomodation, look into help with childcare costs, find a job, see the CAB about any other entitlements you may be able to get.
You need to establish your independence. You have left an untenable situation and that was a good move. If things improve with your DH perhaps he could move in with you, but there needs to be a very hard line that you will not go back to that very unhealthy situation and if he cannot accept that then yes it is over. Sorry it must be awful for you but well done for getting out.