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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday problem with SD's mum

144 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 21:31

I have another thread which goes in to the bigger issues, but this is the current scenario and I'd really like opinions. This is my other thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4574123-holiday-issuespassport. This issue will be before court next week as part of a bigger issue of not handing passport over or agreeing handover times or the rest of the division of holiday dates.
We booked a holiday for the summer holidays with mums agreement. Return flight is 22.10 with us landing 02.30. Mum has now gone this week and booked a holiday TO THE SAME BLOODY DESTINATION on the same day we return knowing our dates/times already. Mum is saying she wants SD handed back over at 10.30am. Given current airport issues, delays etc we don't even know if we will be in the country at 10.30am!! But even if we arrive back at 02.30 it will be 5am at the earliest before we reach our beds. SD is 5. And she is expecting us to get her up at 9am and make the hour journey with her. It won't be safe for DP to drive for one, let alone fair on SD to have 4 hours or less sleep and then go back to the airport and fly back to the same bloody place.
What a mess. What should DP be asking in court? He had been planning to ask for handover times to be 9am the day before travel, handover 6pm the day we get home. Realistically if she is flying at 16.35 (which is what she is claiming, but when we checked there aren't even any flights to the destination at that time on that day - but there is the following day!!!) she needs SD back by 12pm. But I know I wouldn't be happy with it being that late on the day of travel. We are flying at 14.50 and we're leaving for the airport at 09.30 and having a big brunch in a pub nearby before going to the airport for the 3 hours before our flight time.Me and DP are just going round in circles with what to do. Please can the wise mumsnetters give some sage advice here. SD has been shoved in the middle of mums weird games again, and all we want to do is to do right by her. But her mum is making the situation beyond difficult.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 07/07/2022 21:44

So if I read this right, the flight her mother has booked doesn't even exist?

In that case I'd just say aye aye, 10am, no problem and just merrily ignore her. Wait till the day and then text saying flight delayed, sorry, will drop her off ASAP. Turn my phone off and go to sleep. Drop off late lunchtime. Play her at her own game. It's not like there is a real plane she will miss, she'll not lose out.

unname · 07/07/2022 21:44

Offer these two alternatives:
SD Mum picks SD up at the airport when you arrive home. That way SD can at least get some sleep without being disturbed.

Or

SD Mum flies out the day you leave and picks her up there, saving SD from having to be on two planes in one day.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 21:54

We don't think there is a flight, but we don't have absolutely proof. We've checked flights and there is a flight that goes from here to the destination she claims to be going to, but it only runs on certain days. There isn't a 16.35 on that day, but there is the day after.
I'm not sure if she will have to prove her holiday dates and times in court on Monday or not.

OP posts:
Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 07/07/2022 22:00

I would assume she would be expected to show proof of her holiday booking... And as yours was already booked she will be laughed out of court..

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:05

Her holiday isn't mentioned in the specific issue order application DP made. He has just asked for our dates to be ordered and the passport issue resolved. So she probably won't take proof with her. Although it is on teams she will likely be in work and claim not to have evidence with her.

OP posts:
Friendship101 · 07/07/2022 22:07

Sorry no help other than to suggest if she’s flying from the same airport you’re landing into could an airport hotel work and she picks her up there, that way SD will get more sleep.

sounds like she’s making ridiculous plans and not thinking of SD at all though!

HappyAsASandboy · 07/07/2022 22:12

If the mum is insistent that she has booked the flight the same day as you return, then I think @Friendship101 has the answer - book an airport hotel and hand over at the airport.

What a bizarre thing for the mum to do! I can't help but think she's going to take your poor DSD round the holiday destination asking "did you do this with your dad?" Every five seconds Confused

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:14

We can't really afford a hotel tbh because of the court costs we've now had to find thanks to her behaviour. The actual holiday is funded by my own dad who has paid for everything, and I couldn't ask him for another hotel to be funded either. DP could of course suggest to SDs mum that she funds it. She won't. 100%. But he could put it forward as a reasonable suggestion.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:21

I've just looked at hotels and it would cost double as we need 2 rooms with 5 of us.

OP posts:
Marshatessa · 07/07/2022 22:35

Can just your partner and SD stay at airport hotel?

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:36

No, no transport home. Cost of parking two cars at airport would be an extra £120.

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/07/2022 22:41

Can you drop her home at her mums on the way back from the airport at 5am? That way she'd get more sleep and you wouldn't need to get up at 9am.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 07/07/2022 22:42

Just take all your proof to court. Even when she agreed to the holiday. If she does turn up with nothing, she looks like an idiot. Judge will rule in your favour surely.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:43

Her mums is in the opposite direction from the airport to our home. Would be an awful round trip on no sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:43

Would be an hour and a half driving as opposed to just under 30 mins.

OP posts:
K8Shrop · 07/07/2022 22:43

I remember reading the last thread, but you had mentioned this situation in it? so surely DP did know before they put in the request for court order?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 07/07/2022 22:45

But you are going to have to do that 1hr 30 minutes worth of driving anyway whether it's all in one go straight from the plane or half straight from the plane and half 5 hrs later after a nap. If you do it all in one go then you then get to have a decent sleep afterwards and so does your SD.

I don't think anyone believes that your SDs mum is being reasonable but now you just need to find the least worst workable solution.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:46

She had backtracked somewhat, telling him it was only going to be in the few days following our holiday. Then yesterday she went and claimed she had booked it anyway for the day we return. So the SIO was just for the issue of the passport and to get an order for pick up and drop off times as she wouldn't let us have SD the day before we travel.
I honestly think she is lying. But maybe she isn't. Just... arghhhh!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:48

I have to do the driving from the Airport as mine is the family car, DP not insured to drive it on mine or as 3rd party on his. So no, I wouldn't be doing the drive. DP would be. But he can't do it from the airport as his car is at home and is a tiny 4 seater with no room for all 5 of us plus luggage.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:50

Actually, I can't see her even agreeing to that anyway. No way would she accept SD being dropped in the middle of the night. She will dig her heels in for 10.30.

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 07/07/2022 22:51

Let her dig her heels in then? Ask the judge to make a reasonable decision on exchange time for that day. Maybe I've missed something but can you just ask that mum collects as you will have exhaustion from the late flight - why can't she make the 90 min pick up?

FloatingAlien · 07/07/2022 22:52

I don't know much about family court but is it possible to ask the court to confirm what time SD should be returned to her mum on the day that you return? So if you say in court that you will return her at 2pm or whatever then it's up to her to say if she does actually have a flight booked on that day for earlier on and so she needs her earlier?

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:54

FloatingAlien · 07/07/2022 22:52

I don't know much about family court but is it possible to ask the court to confirm what time SD should be returned to her mum on the day that you return? So if you say in court that you will return her at 2pm or whatever then it's up to her to say if she does actually have a flight booked on that day for earlier on and so she needs her earlier?

Yes, I think that would put the onus on her without outright saying she is a liar. It is just trying to word it carefully that might be tricky. Family court want solutions not problems. It is a tricky tightrope to walk.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/07/2022 22:54

I think ask her Mum to collect her from the airport. Maximises the sleep dd gets.

Or drop dd to her Mum on the way back from the airport but I appreciate it’s out of the way - as your house is on the way to dd’s Mum’s could your husband and dd transfer into his car at home and go straight on to Mum’s?

i realise it’s all a ball ache but it is what it is I suppose.

Id feel a bit sorry for her if she’s booked the same place! Seems a bit odd.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:56

Rtmhwales · 07/07/2022 22:51

Let her dig her heels in then? Ask the judge to make a reasonable decision on exchange time for that day. Maybe I've missed something but can you just ask that mum collects as you will have exhaustion from the late flight - why can't she make the 90 min pick up?

She won't do the journey. And tbh on the day she is going on holiday, well I wouldn't want to add that in to my day either. But even so, she just won't. She expects DP to run around to her whims.

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