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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday problem with SD's mum

144 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 21:31

I have another thread which goes in to the bigger issues, but this is the current scenario and I'd really like opinions. This is my other thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4574123-holiday-issuespassport. This issue will be before court next week as part of a bigger issue of not handing passport over or agreeing handover times or the rest of the division of holiday dates.
We booked a holiday for the summer holidays with mums agreement. Return flight is 22.10 with us landing 02.30. Mum has now gone this week and booked a holiday TO THE SAME BLOODY DESTINATION on the same day we return knowing our dates/times already. Mum is saying she wants SD handed back over at 10.30am. Given current airport issues, delays etc we don't even know if we will be in the country at 10.30am!! But even if we arrive back at 02.30 it will be 5am at the earliest before we reach our beds. SD is 5. And she is expecting us to get her up at 9am and make the hour journey with her. It won't be safe for DP to drive for one, let alone fair on SD to have 4 hours or less sleep and then go back to the airport and fly back to the same bloody place.
What a mess. What should DP be asking in court? He had been planning to ask for handover times to be 9am the day before travel, handover 6pm the day we get home. Realistically if she is flying at 16.35 (which is what she is claiming, but when we checked there aren't even any flights to the destination at that time on that day - but there is the following day!!!) she needs SD back by 12pm. But I know I wouldn't be happy with it being that late on the day of travel. We are flying at 14.50 and we're leaving for the airport at 09.30 and having a big brunch in a pub nearby before going to the airport for the 3 hours before our flight time.Me and DP are just going round in circles with what to do. Please can the wise mumsnetters give some sage advice here. SD has been shoved in the middle of mums weird games again, and all we want to do is to do right by her. But her mum is making the situation beyond difficult.

OP posts:
Summerof22 · 08/07/2022 06:28

@miamiibiza ,
this is what I was going to suggest.

Beautiful3 · 08/07/2022 07:26

Think I'd say when I could drop off, if she refused then you don't take her on holiday. That's all you can do really.

TokyoTen · 08/07/2022 07:30

No way would I be arranging to meet her mum at the airport. She may not turn up if she is that awkward! I'd want to either drop her off after the flight or say she needs to be picked up - that way you are more in control.

Billybagpuss · 08/07/2022 07:39

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 23:06

It is over £100 to add him to my insurance, so again, not possible.

This makes no sense I added a 22 year old to mine for a fortnight and it cost £6. I just phoned my regular insurance company.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 08/07/2022 07:39

could you offer to do handover at airport at time of her 2nd holiday? if airport in middle??

Caterinaballerina · 08/07/2022 07:47

You keep mentioning that the flight might actually be the next day. Flight schedules tend to be fixed so you are probably right and she is just causing problems. Since the court hearing is all to do with ensuring your holiday plans the end of that holiday could also be covered. You could suggest that a sensible third party considers when DSD needs to be back with her DM, would doing this compel her to reveal the actual flight times? You could even say that you can’t find a flight at 16.35 the day she claims because you’d checked to then understand that particular airlines check in opening times etc to try and get your head around what would be reasonable suggestions.

Autun · 08/07/2022 08:06

What’s her mums motivation for wanting her home early if she’s not going on holiday?
It sounds like you’re all just being awkward and making excuses.

burnoutbabe · 08/07/2022 08:17

Surely booking that second holiday is madness. M
We all know flights are having issues at present and there are delays and cancellations. So she has very little Lee-way if there are any delays to get daughter on another flight the same day.
So seems unlikely she would actually have booked it.
Just get the court to confirm what time you are returning and she had to fight that if she has some evidence.

Iwonder08 · 08/07/2022 09:20

You just say NO as it is not feasible given the impact on the child. And you see her in court. I wouldn't try to figure out how you can bend backwards for the woman who has zero consideration for her own little girl. How ridiculous to book same day flight to the same destination.

Geordielass1987 · 08/07/2022 09:31

I’ve read the thread and I do believe the mother is really unreasonable and I understand you have a lot on and shouldn’t have to change your plans, but every single response from you is no not possible. I do think you may need to rethink how you are going to deal with this because compromises will have to be made on both sides and you are just saying no to everything. I do think the mum is really out of order though and good luck to her trying to travel with a 5yr old on basically no sleep

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2022 09:38

You're refusing every single solution that posters have suggested. You now seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill and the court will see it.

They look for solutions not entrenched positions. You need to compromise or risk a judgement that leaves you in a worse position.

Billybagpuss · 08/07/2022 09:41

Geordielass1987 · 08/07/2022 09:31

I’ve read the thread and I do believe the mother is really unreasonable and I understand you have a lot on and shouldn’t have to change your plans, but every single response from you is no not possible. I do think you may need to rethink how you are going to deal with this because compromises will have to be made on both sides and you are just saying no to everything. I do think the mum is really out of order though and good luck to her trying to travel with a 5yr old on basically no sleep

I agree with this, if you just say okey dokey then and drop off at the path of least resistance she’s the one that has to deal with an over tired 5 yo and their holiday will be crap as a result. I get it will mean a disrupted sleep for you too but that’s something you can deal with.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/07/2022 09:42

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2022 09:38

You're refusing every single solution that posters have suggested. You now seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill and the court will see it.

They look for solutions not entrenched positions. You need to compromise or risk a judgement that leaves you in a worse position.

I agree. At this rate, the court won't be impressed with either side.

PeanutButterOnToad · 08/07/2022 09:51

You are all going to get bollocked in court you know, I am not unsympathetic to your situation but what a waste of court time. Not sure how it works in the UK but if this matter came to court here (Aus) both parties would basically be sent out of court with their legal representatives and told to come back in half an hour with an agreement.

Looneytune253 · 08/07/2022 10:14

Call her bluff and tell her you will meet her at the airport on the morning of their flight at the time she specifies

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 08/07/2022 10:22

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2022 09:38

You're refusing every single solution that posters have suggested. You now seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill and the court will see it.

They look for solutions not entrenched positions. You need to compromise or risk a judgement that leaves you in a worse position.

Yep, I also agree with this.

itsgettingweird · 08/07/2022 10:59

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/07/2022 09:38

You're refusing every single solution that posters have suggested. You now seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill and the court will see it.

They look for solutions not entrenched positions. You need to compromise or risk a judgement that leaves you in a worse position.

This.

There is no doubt the mum is frustrating and difficult.

But it's not the way to deal with it by fighting fire with fire and doing the same.

You are going to court to demand she hands child and passports over at a certain time - then refusing to meet her demands for the same.

Poptart4 · 08/07/2022 11:32

rosiebl · 07/07/2022 23:55

Honestly OP, this seems a little bit dramatic over what is a basic issue. You tell SDs mum that if she needs her at 10:30am, she will need to pick up as it's not feasible for you to drop off given flight times. If that doesn't work, you will drop off at 2pm or whatever. I really just wouldn't continue the narrative with her. If she needs her at 10:30, she will pick her up. If she's lying, she will go for the later option. Just stop discussing it with her.

This.

Why are you dancing to her tune.

Tell her to collect her herself or she can wait until your ready. She's walking all over you because you let her.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/07/2022 12:22

Autun · 08/07/2022 08:06

What’s her mums motivation for wanting her home early if she’s not going on holiday?
It sounds like you’re all just being awkward and making excuses.

Control. It is all she ever wants. Full control of SD. There is never a compromise to be had. It is her way or no way. She stops contact, makes accusations. You name it, she's probably done it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/07/2022 12:26

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 08/07/2022 07:39

could you offer to do handover at airport at time of her 2nd holiday? if airport in middle??

It doesn't matter what we offer, it will be no. She wants us to take her back to hers at 10.3o, no compromise.
What I am trying to figure is what to do with this at court. What solutions could we offer that would be reasonable.
I do think this is the best solution though, as if her flight really was at 16.35, she would need dropping at airport at 1.30 which would give more leeway for delays.
I think that DP will ask for 6pm handover and when she refuses this will be his offer of compromise. I do hope she has to prove her holiday though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/07/2022 12:28

Caterinaballerina · 08/07/2022 07:47

You keep mentioning that the flight might actually be the next day. Flight schedules tend to be fixed so you are probably right and she is just causing problems. Since the court hearing is all to do with ensuring your holiday plans the end of that holiday could also be covered. You could suggest that a sensible third party considers when DSD needs to be back with her DM, would doing this compel her to reveal the actual flight times? You could even say that you can’t find a flight at 16.35 the day she claims because you’d checked to then understand that particular airlines check in opening times etc to try and get your head around what would be reasonable suggestions.

I hope it would. Dp doesn't want to come outright and accuse her of lying to try and make our (and sd) lives difficult. But he hopes she will have to prove why she wants a return at 10.30am.

OP posts:
maddening · 08/07/2022 12:28

Can sm pick dd up at the airport?

maddening · 08/07/2022 12:29

Sorry can the mum pick dd up at the airport?

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/07/2022 12:30

Geordielass1987 · 08/07/2022 09:31

I’ve read the thread and I do believe the mother is really unreasonable and I understand you have a lot on and shouldn’t have to change your plans, but every single response from you is no not possible. I do think you may need to rethink how you are going to deal with this because compromises will have to be made on both sides and you are just saying no to everything. I do think the mum is really out of order though and good luck to her trying to travel with a 5yr old on basically no sleep

The reasons the majority are not possible are because of the mother, not us!
We are trying to come up with a reasonable solution to present to court, not the mother as she won't compromise.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/07/2022 12:31

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 22:43

Would be an hour and a half driving as opposed to just under 30 mins.

Still seems the most sensible solution- doing it while you are up and driving anyway rather than having an hours sleep, disturbing everyone and doing it again