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Original poster

Holiday problem with SD's mum

144 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 07/07/2022 21:31

I have another thread which goes in to the bigger issues, but this is the current scenario and I'd really like opinions. This is my other thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4574123-holiday-issuespassport. This issue will be before court next week as part of a bigger issue of not handing passport over or agreeing handover times or the rest of the division of holiday dates.
We booked a holiday for the summer holidays with mums agreement. Return flight is 22.10 with us landing 02.30. Mum has now gone this week and booked a holiday TO THE SAME BLOODY DESTINATION on the same day we return knowing our dates/times already. Mum is saying she wants SD handed back over at 10.30am. Given current airport issues, delays etc we don't even know if we will be in the country at 10.30am!! But even if we arrive back at 02.30 it will be 5am at the earliest before we reach our beds. SD is 5. And she is expecting us to get her up at 9am and make the hour journey with her. It won't be safe for DP to drive for one, let alone fair on SD to have 4 hours or less sleep and then go back to the airport and fly back to the same bloody place.
What a mess. What should DP be asking in court? He had been planning to ask for handover times to be 9am the day before travel, handover 6pm the day we get home. Realistically if she is flying at 16.35 (which is what she is claiming, but when we checked there aren't even any flights to the destination at that time on that day - but there is the following day!!!) she needs SD back by 12pm. But I know I wouldn't be happy with it being that late on the day of travel. We are flying at 14.50 and we're leaving for the airport at 09.30 and having a big brunch in a pub nearby before going to the airport for the 3 hours before our flight time.Me and DP are just going round in circles with what to do. Please can the wise mumsnetters give some sage advice here. SD has been shoved in the middle of mums weird games again, and all we want to do is to do right by her. But her mum is making the situation beyond difficult.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 08/07/2022 17:41

A problem shared is a problem halved. And this is most definitely a problem.

I don't think you really want to solve the problem, though. Everything is can't do this, can't do that, don't want to do the other. Instead you'd rather the problem wasn't solved so that you can try and back the mother into a corner so you can portray her badly in court. And that it might be that the mother is unreasonable and so your desire to see her knocked down a peg or two might be valid. But your claim that you're genuinely looking for a solution isn't. The poor person suffering most is a 5yo because 3 adults all with the capability of driving and all with access to a car can't drive an extra 90mins or be bothered to put a little girl before their own petty squabbles.

Iwonder08 · 08/07/2022 18:42

But why should OP bend over backwards to satisfy crazy and unreasonable demands of Ex? Her side of the family is already paying for this woman's child. Sounds like the flight doesn't exist and I would bet the whole thing is designed to create more issues for ex and his new wife. Just out of spite.
For your sanity, OP, you need to step away from this situation and let your DH deal with his ex via court.

MarshaMelrose · 08/07/2022 18:58

Iwonder08 · 08/07/2022 18:42

But why should OP bend over backwards to satisfy crazy and unreasonable demands of Ex? Her side of the family is already paying for this woman's child. Sounds like the flight doesn't exist and I would bet the whole thing is designed to create more issues for ex and his new wife. Just out of spite.
For your sanity, OP, you need to step away from this situation and let your DH deal with his ex via court.

It's not about that. She might be right about the ex. But she's on here asking how she can solve the problem but isn't willing to actually do anything. Because, basically, she wants it look to the court like they tried when they didn't and then the ex will get a bollocking. But how does that help a little 5yo get her holiday?

Geordielass1987 · 08/07/2022 19:05

I think you loose your argument about not wanting to drive 1hr 30 in the night, when you booked a flight that arrives in the middle of the night. I don’t think that’s the best thing for the 5yr old to be honest. If you weren’t landing at a silly time this wouldn’t be a issue.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/07/2022 22:45

I'm not bothering to respond to the previous messages as it is a waste of my time.
Problem now solved really.
Dp text something along the lines of "please can you confirm your flight from x to x is on friday 5th August at 1635" to give her a way to back down and say oh sorry I got the wrong dates, we are actually going Saturday (which is what we suspect). She eventually messaged back saying "oh no, sorry it's at 1420, the 1635 was on the Saturday we were originally going to book" (there was no flight on the Friday at 1635, but there was at 1420). So he messaged further and asked her to send proof of holiday to court as it would need to be discussed on Monday as he didn't think it was in SDs best interest to have a 12 hour gap between flights going back to the same airport but that it needed resolving. Guess what? The reply was "oh well we haven't actually booked it yet, but we are waiting for the cheapest date". The cheapest date is actually the Saturday. So now he has proof, it isn't booked and if she does book it knowing there are only 12 hours between flights, it isn't going to look good in court. She is being wholly unreasonable. The better solution is to book the flight the day before we leave and meet us, but you know... why would she want to put SD first and save her all that hassle? But if she doesn't, then just book the bloody Saturday. She has been caught in a lie and she knows it. Hopefully she will do the better thing for SD (probably not!).

OP posts:
Dic · 09/07/2022 09:11

If she met you there your SD wouldn't be able to stay in their accommodation and wouldn't have a flight home if the outbound section wasn't used. (If a package which it sounds like if she's waiting for prices to drop)

She seems to really hate your partner. I would be concerned about why she feels so strongly towards him.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 09/07/2022 11:04

It's not a package, they have family who have a villa and are staying there. It's just flights.

She does really hate him, yep. She didn't count on him hanging around when she was pregnant. She had a 2 year old who didn't see her dad. She wanted another. They only dated for 3 months before she fell pregnant then dumped him. Unfortunately DP isn't like that. He is very family orientated. His daughter is his number 1 priority. In the time I've known him he has moved heaven and earth to keep her in his life. He's fab (coz let me tell you, I'd not have stuck around for the shit that she pulls otherwise). After 5 years, I'm happier than a pig in muck. I just wish he didn't have a child with someone so hell bent on keeping SD out of his life.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 09/07/2022 15:15

Sounds like she tripped herself up thn-tell her he will drop off later that day and if she has a problem to tell the court

Beautiful3 · 10/07/2022 10:03

Great update, she's admitted the lie. Seems a shame that she'd rather mess you all up, instead of having a positive relationship with you all. She's obviously angry/jealous and has issues to work through. When the child's a teenager, mum won't be able to manipulate/blackmail so easily. It will become too obvious to the child, that she's lying.

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 11/07/2022 11:20

Holiday dates and passport handovers all ordered this morning. She has been told it isn't safe to book a flight on the same day we return, and not to do it. Ordered handover time to be 4.30pm to allow for delays, adequate rest and safe return journey to mums.

OP posts:
Totheweekend · 11/07/2022 11:45

Phew! Hope things go smoothly from here

Billybagpuss · 11/07/2022 11:58

Excellent update, hope it all goes smoothly

whynotwhatknot · 11/07/2022 13:29

great news has she responded to that

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/07/2022 11:32

No, she chose to have her camera off for the hearing so DP has no idea of her reaction.
He picks sd up tonight, and should pick up the passport too. He is dreading the handover. She isn't averse to shouting the odds, and although it's been a while, she has previously violently attacked him. So she may well be all sweetness and light (which she has done sometimes) or the devil in disguise. We shall see.

OP posts:
kingsleysbootlicker · 12/07/2022 12:05

I'd be recording the handover on my phone if I was him, even if he just holds it pointing at the ground, at least it would pick up anything said

whynotwhatknot · 12/07/2022 13:04

i dont think you can film someone without their knowledge but tell him to just keep i brief and any problems go back to court

is she doing this just to make him pay for court or solictors everytime

Ishacoco · 12/07/2022 15:56

Excellent news!

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/07/2022 18:33

Fuck. She wasn't the devil, but her parents were...
Her dad has just squared up to DP after handing the passport over, whilst her mother shouted from inside "good luck, loser". DP asked what? (As in why, what do I need good luck for?) And her dad started calling him a fucking cunt and other obscenities. Of course DP (I don't know how, once again) walked away. He has the absolute ability to hold back all emotion and temper. I actually wonder if he is human sometimes.
But, now we are worried. That comment has made us both think, they've cancelled the fucking passport haven't they? Google isn't helping me find out if we can find out if it has been cancelled. I just want this nightmare to be over 😭. All I want is a normal, peaceful, happy life. Ffs.

OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 12/07/2022 20:34

Well if they have cancelled the pass ports the courts will not look kindly on their mum. You need to call passport office and ask. He can obtain information as he is their dad and has PR

I feel for his DC having to listen to his grandparents behave like that

PartyGoose · 12/07/2022 20:39

I've just replied to your other thread but now seen this.

If she's got a holiday booked imminently for which she needs the passport, she can't have cancelled it, there's no way she would get a replacement in time is there?

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/07/2022 20:43

She hasn't technically got it booked, or she hadn't as of yesterday. She could apply for a fast track, but she would have the same issue I guess, that the only appts are in Belfast. It is definitely not outside of the relms of possibility that she has cancelled it and applied for a new one fast track. Especially if she hasn't booked the holiday still. She hasn't got anything to lose.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/07/2022 20:56

theremustonlybeone · 12/07/2022 20:34

Well if they have cancelled the pass ports the courts will not look kindly on their mum. You need to call passport office and ask. He can obtain information as he is their dad and has PR

I feel for his DC having to listen to his grandparents behave like that

The passport office gave 3 different answers as we rang 3 times due to them telling him to ring back after the first call, then the 2nd call telling us what the first person said was wrong. Then we called a 3rd time due to the 2 different stories and they gave a different story too! None of which were helpful. He has been given an email address to write to, but with no direct answer as to a) if they can check if it is cancelled or b) if they can stop it being cancelled.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 12/07/2022 22:26

doesnt sound right of course they can check that-or the next pasport applicaiton wouldnt go through

Original poster
ThisMustBeMyDream · 12/07/2022 22:30

Doesn't mean they will give DP the information though. I've spent all night trying to find out how we can check this damn passport.
The only thing I've come up with is to book the cheapest flight we can for this weekend (his weekend with SD) and see if it gets accepted at security (then not board the flight). There seems to be no other way to know.

OP posts:
bigbird50 · 13/07/2022 07:59

Well I hope they haven’t been stupid enough to cancel them as it would be very upsetting for the DC. Also it is a police matter if they have maliciously cancelled the passports So I would assume the grandmother was just making a spiteful comment to put you on edge

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/974821/Passport_cancellations_-malicious_lost_and_stolen_reports-V1.pdf