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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say you take both or you don't get DD

588 replies

jamoncrumpets · 07/07/2022 14:43

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

OP posts:
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 08/07/2022 21:55

Have you asked the grandparents OP?

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2022 21:57

GrinAndVomit · 08/07/2022 21:54

I'd rather watch reruns of The Office on Netflix

This would be a much better way to spend your time rather than posting on a forum, asking for opinions, and becoming furious at the posters who disagree with you.

Op you make it sound like Scrantonicity would be bad thing! 😱 ooo #threatlevelmidnight

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2022 22:02

jamoncrumpets · 08/07/2022 21:23

Utter bollocks @strawberrylacey and @Bertieboo82 - how many autistic people have you interacted with? You've clearly come away with a Tesco Value appreciation of neurodiversity.

I have a BA and a MA in English Literature. My whole life is about exploring the grey, and exploring context and implied meaning. I am autistic.

Autistic people are capable of non rigid thinking, if my thinking about this issue seems rigid it is a product of the context and background to the situation, which I could share in its entirety but which would bore the living shit out of you (and take me all night to type when, frankly, I'd rather watch reruns of The Office on Netflix).

So would I as long as its the American one

Cba with people who think everyone who has autism is the same and all of them are happier in the house in the same routine every day

Loveisnotloving · 08/07/2022 22:21

This reply has been deleted

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Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 08/07/2022 22:38

Maybe it's not your son they have the issue with.

Your daughter can leave you and so they can have a relationship with her independent of you.

If you come as a package maybe they are finding as hard as posters here to engage in a conversation with you.

Howtosnapoutofit · 08/07/2022 23:08

@jamoncrumpets I feel really sorry for you trying to juggle the different needs of your DC. And trying to treat them 'fairly' I have this with my own two (one ND and one NT).
I too would be very hurt at how they've treated you DS and the lack of effort/interest they have shown.

My own Ds can be very emotional/explosive etc but is very loving and fun in their own way. My parents have found ways to interact and have time with him that is easier to manage as they would struggle to do anything too ambitious with him. E.g he goes round to theirs and plays computer games or watches a film and my DM will sit and watch with him, eat snacks together have a giggle at the film. They have a fab time and are very close as a result! It is very different to the time and conversations they have with my NT child. But they have worked hard to find ways to connect with him and both children can feel truly valued and love the time they have with their GPs.

Plinkyplankyplonk · 08/07/2022 23:31

ND children can be so difficult to look after, especially if you aren't the parent.

I have 2 ND DC and its bloody difficult! I wouldn't feel happy with someone taking my youngest out, but I would be fine with someone taking my eldest out. Other people don't HAVE to take your children out, and if they do offer then it's a great thing. You sound ever so entitled.

pinkpip100 · 08/07/2022 23:39

OP I totally get where you're coming from, I would be really upset by your PIL's attitude, and I'm not sure I'd want my other children exposed to their prejudice either. Also agree that this thread is brimming with ableism, and so many unfair assumptions made about your DS.
My DC have fairly crap grandparents (would never have had them overnight when they were little, let alone take them on holiday) but at least they are pretty equanimous in how they treat their grandchildren. It is rubbish having no respite at all when you have young children, and that is multiplied when you have a child with additional needs. I'm sorry you're going through this.

pinkpip100 · 08/07/2022 23:47

And obviously I meant equitable, not equanimous (no excuse, but it's late and my brain is foggy!)

growandhope · 09/07/2022 00:51

Your expectations of others are far too high. And they are not reaching your standards, you are going to sink the whole ship. Not nice OP, not nice.

snufflufguss · 09/07/2022 03:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

These kinds of posts are the best and funniest posts on MN!😂

MN is the gift that keeps on giving thanks to posts like this.

Keep up the good work!

Glitternails1 · 09/07/2022 06:51

@jamoncrumpets your previous thread from 2 months ago:

I am an autistic mother of two, one of whom is disabled and has complex needs. I am the f/t carer of that child and do not work.

We have a system of locks in our kitchen to prevent our disabled child from accessing food and DH never locks them back up again. We have a gate on our bedroom to stop DS accessing the room and our medications etc (which are also locked away) but DH will nip up for his slippers or whatever and leave it open, then DS will go in, jump on our bed, throw all our bedding off, get in after having a poo and not wiping his bottom properly etc etc.

In this thread you suggest his only issue is that his vocabulary isn’t on par with his age. In a previous thread from 2 months ago you say he has complex needs, no boundaries, and can’t wipe his bum properly so there’s poo in the bed.

A school friend of mine had a severely autistic brother who was 4 or so years older than her. She loved him, but her entire life revolved around him. It might be nice for your Dd to spend time with her grandparents (and her parents) without her brother sometimes. It would be nice to do activities she will enjoy and have 1 to 1 attention. Home life sounds hectic for you and I understand that most of your time and energy will be spent on your son with complex needs.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:10

Howtosnapoutofit · 08/07/2022 23:08

@jamoncrumpets I feel really sorry for you trying to juggle the different needs of your DC. And trying to treat them 'fairly' I have this with my own two (one ND and one NT).
I too would be very hurt at how they've treated you DS and the lack of effort/interest they have shown.

My own Ds can be very emotional/explosive etc but is very loving and fun in their own way. My parents have found ways to interact and have time with him that is easier to manage as they would struggle to do anything too ambitious with him. E.g he goes round to theirs and plays computer games or watches a film and my DM will sit and watch with him, eat snacks together have a giggle at the film. They have a fab time and are very close as a result! It is very different to the time and conversations they have with my NT child. But they have worked hard to find ways to connect with him and both children can feel truly valued and love the time they have with their GPs.

I don't need you to feel sorry for me.

My kids are great.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:20

Is it rude to be irritated by blatant ableism and call it out @Loveisnotloving

Just because I don't allow myself or my child to be patronised it doesn't mean I am rude. See my latest reply telling somebody I don't need them to feel sorry for me. They might think 'How rude!' But I think 'How rude that this person pities me!' Pity isn't necessary here.

Nobody on here has any idea about my relationship with my parents or my in-laws, so I'm not offended or upset by people telling me how rude or ignorant I am, because you're ignorant about the other 99.9% of my life which I have every right to keep off the internet. I've given you enough and if you think I am BU then that's fine. Stop trying to mine me for more of my life.

Some people get it, and I'm grateful for them. I sincerely hope the rest of you are never at the receiving end of ableism and prejudice because it is a very lonely and frustrating place to be.

My kids see their grandparents every few months, owing to distance. They are both completely ignorant of the favouritism that's emerging. My AIBU was asking if I allow this favouritism to continue or not, as it is becoming more pronounced and I worry that both of my children will notice it.

OP posts:
Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 09:26

Nobody on here has any idea about my relationship with my parents or my in-laws

i would hazard a guess on the basis of this thread OP… no especially positive! 😂

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:28

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 09:26

Nobody on here has any idea about my relationship with my parents or my in-laws

i would hazard a guess on the basis of this thread OP… no especially positive! 😂

You're wrong.

OP posts:
GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:29

God, you're even a dick to someone trying to be sympathetic to your situation. Why did you even post?

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 09:30

jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:20

Is it rude to be irritated by blatant ableism and call it out @Loveisnotloving

Just because I don't allow myself or my child to be patronised it doesn't mean I am rude. See my latest reply telling somebody I don't need them to feel sorry for me. They might think 'How rude!' But I think 'How rude that this person pities me!' Pity isn't necessary here.

Nobody on here has any idea about my relationship with my parents or my in-laws, so I'm not offended or upset by people telling me how rude or ignorant I am, because you're ignorant about the other 99.9% of my life which I have every right to keep off the internet. I've given you enough and if you think I am BU then that's fine. Stop trying to mine me for more of my life.

Some people get it, and I'm grateful for them. I sincerely hope the rest of you are never at the receiving end of ableism and prejudice because it is a very lonely and frustrating place to be.

My kids see their grandparents every few months, owing to distance. They are both completely ignorant of the favouritism that's emerging. My AIBU was asking if I allow this favouritism to continue or not, as it is becoming more pronounced and I worry that both of my children will notice it.

No your AIBU was not whether you should stop the favouritism

it was To say you take both or you don't get DD

Two very different issues

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 09:31

GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:29

God, you're even a dick to someone trying to be sympathetic to your situation. Why did you even post?

It’s astonishing isn’t it

GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:31

I can see why no one has any interest in helping you out though. You have absolutely no interest listening to others views at all, even when you asked for them and you're incredibly rude and defensive about everything people say. Not surprising family aren't lining up to help out when you'd clearly have absolutely no time to hear any of their reservations or thoughts about the situation.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:34

GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:29

God, you're even a dick to someone trying to be sympathetic to your situation. Why did you even post?

I don't need sympathy.

OP posts:
GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:34

I don't think for a second that your parents should make no effort with your son, that is unreasonable.

But I can tell from your posts that you're probably extremely difficult to reason with and any effort they made would need to be your way or not at all. You just sound like a difficult person all round.

Bertieboo82 · 09/07/2022 09:35

I am going to take a punt OP

You angry and pissed off about a lot in life. And that you don’t have friends

because on the basis of this thread OP - I just can’t see you getting on with anyone who doesn’t wholeheartedly agree with you on everything. Without exception. Everything. And if they don’t - you will come at the all barrels loaded!

GoshMee · 09/07/2022 09:35

jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:34

I don't need sympathy.

Show quote history

Then why are you posting? You don't want opinions, you don't want sympathy, you don't want any replies other than those telling you you're 100% right about everything so respectfully... Why the fuck did you bother?

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 09/07/2022 09:37

I'm not pissed off. I'm not jabbing the keys of my phone. I'm pointing out that myriad ways people on this thread are being ableist. And people don't like that.

To say you take both or you don't get DD
OP posts: