To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

Letting their daughter have a normal relationship with her grandparents whilst they continue to ignore their eldest would be condoning favouritism though @BadNomad . Would you really let someone treat your kids like that?

@Porcupineintherough These are two completely different children with completely different needs. Being unable to accommodate one child's needs is not showing favouritism to the other. The DD spending time with her grandparents is not her getting special treatment. It is a normal thing to do. To not allow it is depriving her of something normal. So, yes, I would not allow my son's disability to deprive my daughter of normal experiences if I had that option.

@jamoncrumpets I'm sorry I offended you. I didn't mean I pity you and I'm sure your kids are fantastic. I never meant for a moment that they weren't. I just meant it can be hard to juggle different children's needs - I certainly find it is.

I was trying to to agree that it is very hurtful that your parents haven't tried to connect more and include your son.

My youngest two sons are autistic. They have several older siblings and a younger sibling. I have never expected grandparents or aunts and uncles to take on the challenges of the autistic children. It takes a different kind of work and understanding. Not only that but it can be traumatic for autistic children to be separated from their normal environment and caregivers. When their grandparents and aunts and uncles wanted to spend time with the neurotypical children, we allowed and encouraged it. We also brought the autistic boys over for visits regularly. Sometimes we had to bring my youngest son in a separate room because the commotion was too much for him. But we attended to his needs and watched for him. I was very very happy that all of the neurotypical children could have good interaction with their other relatives. As other respondents have posted, it's not fair to the neurotypical children to be deprived of time with their relatives because their relatives are either unable to, or unwilling to, take on the challenges of an autistic child. Please don't criticize or judge the relatives for this. This is not their child. If they are willing to spend any time at all with the autistic child while you are there, be grateful that he will get to know them that way.

I'm just not sure why you posted asking if you were unreasonable when you so obviously don't think you're unreasonable in the slightest.

Isn't the point of this page to ask for the opinion of others when trying to work out the right thing to do or advice on how to manage a tricky situation?

You have posted looking for everyone to validate your viewpoint and become irritated by people who haven't done that.

Also where you say you don't want to post details about your DS or family on the Internet...you didn't need to post any of it in the 1st place

Unfortunately I suspect she won't. She clearly underplayed her DS's needs to garner supportive responses, amd seems unhappy with most of those tbh, so I suspect she will not answer truthfully about what has been said to GP's.

There are some REALLY nasty and bigoted posts on this thread 🙁

Some of you need to stop and think before you post - this is a real mum and her precious children you are talking about.

Most of the nastiness comes from the Op. she’s even been nasty to people on her side.

Letting their daughter have a normal relationship with her grandparents whilst they continue to ignore their eldest would be condoning favouritism though @BadNomad . Would you really let someone treat your kids like that?

With the benefit of hindsight, absolutely! It’s not favouritism, if grandparents feel unable to cope with a child with complex needs; but they can cope with a NT child! It’s better to be honest, and keep everyone safe; than get into a catastrophe!

DD deserves to have a nice time and be someone’s priority for a while! OP’s DD could grow up with massive resentment about her brother, getting far more attention than her, etc, etc - which would make OP’s resentment here, pale into insignificance!

Been there, done that, got the t shirt - and saying “We did our best by you; but we couldn’t help having to cope with DC with complex needs!” cuts no ice!

Life is not fair, and nobody can ever make it fair.

I should accept the pity and be grateful for it, apparently. And I should let people tell me I'm damaging my very well looked after daughter, because their advice has been asked for, and therefore is correct.

I've been out with DD at a museum most of the afternoon, then back home to chill out with DS in his room and watch a film with him. Because my kids don't like doing the same things but I still make sure they both get quality time with me. It doesn't take much effort. Just a bit too much for some family members, I suppose. And that's their loss.

I'm very grateful for any responses that aren't ableist, and there have been a few, though mostly in the minority. I am thinking about some of the things I've read on here. Just because I'm autistic I haven't 'made my mind up' - my personal flavour of autism is to agonise over ideas and decisions for much much longer than most people.

DD is my priority. 'For a change' - how is that not presumptuous and rude?

Just a bit too much for some family members, I suppose. And that's their loss.

Aside from presumably their father, what other family members care for DS and DD without you / partner present?

Nobody, mainly because we live in the SE and our families live in the North, DH and I both moved to London in our 20s and have settled in careers that are based down here.

Living so far from family will inevitably change the dynamic of relationships and make it harder to build a relationship especially with a child with autism generally.

how often does he see them with you?

Either way, the effort made with one child is considerably greater than the other. It's not perceived injustice. My wonky autistic brain isn't imagining something that doesn't exist. It's real and calculable favouritism ie asking to say hello to one child on the phone, but not mentioning the other. Every single time.

DD is my priority. 'For a change' - how is that not presumptuous and rude?

I am talking about her perception, not yours!

You have no clue whatsoever about how my child is raised. Her situation may have certain similarities to your own, but I'm not your parents. She isn't you. You're projecting massively onto my child, a child who is very happy and content and has mindful parents who are very conscious of what difficulties she may face in the future. A child you have never met.

But does he talk on the phone? Is he able or willing to do so or will that cause his distress?

My point, @Sirzy, is that even if he couldn't (he can) understand what a greeting is and reply back YOU STILL GREET HIM because he is a person. Even if he were barely aware of his surroundings and asleep 90% of his life YOU STILL GREET HIM because he is a person. And as a person he is entitled to all the things non disabled children are, whether people here like that or not. Suggest the Disability Discrimination Act as a good starting place if anyone fancies any extra reading.

I'm sure you'll somehow twist this into me being 'ablist' as that's what you've been determined to do throughout the thread, but what's wrong with her needing a break from him? Or him from her? Both of my kids love to get a break from each other and get one on one attention, it's nothing to do with any neurodivergence. That's just kids, you don't have to be so defensive about it.

But maybe all this could have been clear in the thread from the beginning? That’s sort of the problem. Your op presents a high functioning child and the main issue being grandparents not babysitting or providing sole care. That’s what you presented as the issue. Now it’s come out the don’t say hello to him etc/ignore him/say mean things. But originally you presented the issue as a lack of sole care/babysitting of a ND child with complex needs, which it’s understandable some people couldn’t provide. Maybe if you started a new thread with all the issues clear in the op it would be better? You might get responses that match the issue. Because it isn’t unreasonable that they can’t provide babysitting of a child with complex needs. But the situation overall (not asking about him, barbed comments) might be unreasonable.

Suggest the Disability Discrimination Act as a good starting place if anyone fancies any extra reading

Hmm, I suppose this scenario is actually real? I would have thought that the genuine mother of a child with additional needs would know that the DDA hasn't existed since 2010.

I might as well be banging my head against a brick wall here, they DO get breaks from each other. At school/nursery every weekday, as he is at special school and she is mainstream, and at weekends. Today I took DD to museum and cafe for a treat this afternoon, then she helped her dad with the gardening while I cuddled up with her brother and watched his favourite film. Now she's having cuddles and stories with me on sofa before dad takes her up for story etc. We also have respite in place, funded by local authority, in the form of direct payments, and I often use those hours to take DD to a friend's house or for her riding lesson.

My AIBU was about people equally related to both kids cherry picking the grandchild to favour with their attention. And it has always been about that.

It was swallowed under the umbrella of the Equality Act, it's one of the nine protected characteristics. I've been to tribunal with LA. Trained with IPSEA. My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass.

Please please don't assume that autistic children, however 'low functioning' are not worthy of respect and autonomy like any other child. It is honestly heartbreaking to see how many people think the rights of a disabled child should rightly be marginalised to improve the life of a sibling.

Whatever you bring to this table, don't assume MY children will be treated as you or your acquaintances are. My entire life is them. I love them exactly the same. And they know that.