To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

At least post on chat or something so you can say you didn't as for people's opinions. But you posted ASKING people to tell you if they thought you were unreasonable or not and have been nothing but a dick to anyone who suggested you may be and now even to people who agree with you because you don't quite like the way they expressed sympathy for your situation.

If you're so sure that not agreeing with you makes people ableist, again why did you ask? You're certain you're right and anyone who disagrees is ableist so why bother? Why waste people's time.

Myriad of ways = not agreeing with you about every aspect of your situation.

You just sound like a difficult person all round.

Reading OP posts, this about sums it up. Why post if you didn't want to hear differences of opinion?

Even if you just wanted to have a discussion and rant, there are other boards. AIBU is literally ASKING people to give you their opinions but OP clearly didn't actually want them...

how many autistic people have you interacted with?

not many

and yes, sometimes I might make a mistake with my wording and say “suffers from”

you see it as ableism. Black and white ableism. Utterly unforgiving

whereas in reality - no malice, no prejudice, just a word slip up and inexperience

but to you - ableism

There are so many people on here, such as me, who have disabled siblings who disagree with you.
Have a breath and come outside of your own mindset for a moment. Reply consider what you’re taking away from your daughter and the reasoning behind it.
You’re punishing your daughter.

There are so many people on here, such as me, who have disabled siblings who disagree with you.

She doesn't care. She was only after the opinions of people who completely agree with her. I wouldn't waste anymore if your time offering your opinion or sharing your personal experience.

Eeek I can see you are getting seriously pissed off op so am a bit hesitant about responding. I wonder if its worth you stepping away until you are more chilled then rereading the thread. I think its worth realising that there is a serious mixture of views on this, so it is understandable the GP might have a different view to this than you do.

I imagine they see it as them not being able to provide safe care for DS and this way gives DD the opportunity of a holiday/ day out without having to focus on DS needs. Whilst this sounds horrible, some families really do need this. My friend has a son with ASD who is now so big, it takes both parents to physically keep him safe when they are out, so of course they are delighted if family offer to take the younger siblings out.

It actually is the other way round in my house, my DD with ASD is the one who gets taken out/ on holiday by family - presumably because she is older but also because she has similar interests to the family members who take her away.

This gives DD a break from her younger siblings who annoy her and lets her be the centre of attention with different people.

It also lets her younger siblings have a chance to get full attention from us without worrying about her behaviours.

I guess it is unfair on my younger DC that I allow this? At the moment, the younger siblings understand the reasons why this happens and don't show any interest in going away. Everyone is happy with the arrangement.

If we weren't, obviously we would just say no, which clearly is all you need to do.

Exactly @GrinAndVomit but I'm starting to think that even if someone came on and said
'Fuck 'em op, don't allow the GP to have either of them ever' there would be anger directed at that!

I came on to report the last post having only been able to read the first line in threads im on.

It see now it’s more reasonable than I first appears.

as an autist op this is one of those times when you need to really try and see the world through some else’s viewpoint than your own.

i know it’s grim the way people reject kids with additional needs. I feel your pain on that. No one wants to look after my lovely daughter because they are scared of getting it wrong or whatever

please let your daughter have support outside of your little bubble. The more people who love and invest in a child the better their outcomes.
try to reframe it in your mind as an opportunity for your ds to get 1-2-1 with you and your dd to get her cup filled freshly outside of the family unit.
She shouldn’t have her loving relations cut off to suit her brother. Her needs should matter too

I haven't RTFT but I can see where OP is coming from and why it would be frustrating for people with no experience of autism/neurodivergence ssying YABU would be frustrating.

My younger brother has very severe autism. He wasn't able to use the loo until age 7, is non-verbal, struggled with changes to routine, would have the odd meltdown and as a child was a risk of running off etc. Also he's totally charming and often very good company.

My GPs would do both. I'd have weekends/trips out with just them, but also they looked after the two of us so my parents could get some much needed time together.

I can understand GPs refusing if they are frail or have their own needs but assuming they don't.. they've had 8 years to get to know their DGS and his needs. His needs don't sound easy but also fo not sound profound/risky. If they can cope with a NT 4 year old I'm struggling to understand why OP's DS is such a leap. They may not be able to go to the zoo/cinema but they could give their daughter an afternoon off and develop a better relationship with their DGS too.

I haven't RTFT but I can see where OP is coming from and why it would be frustrating for people with no experience of autism/neurodivergence ssying YABU would be frustrating.

It's not that. She's ignoring or snapping at people who DO have experience as well because they don't completely agree.

OP, you are absolutely right that your son deserves affection and attention. He does, that is undeniable. But it seems like due to his complex needs his grandparents are not able to give him that in the way you want them to. That's incredibly hurtful, and unfair, but it doesn't mean it's OK to deny your daughter the attention and affection she also deserves.

OP, Do you want advice or feedback on your post? Or was it a case of needing to vent. I ask because it seems you are diinterested in the replies. I find your response a bit confusing.

So the GP's aren't even regularly in your DS's company.. they only see him 'every few months' and you still think its unreasonable for them not to feel up to interacting with him without you there to support them?

Jesus christ.

NO adult is going to be ok with taking CARE of a disabled child unless they know that child will feel safe and comforable with them, they know how to handle them in an emergency, and they are in an environment that is SAFE for the child to be in.

I'm now convinced that yes, YABU to expect them to take sole care of him, AND to spite your DD because of your entirely unreasonable expectations.

It is perfectly normal to feel sorry for people who have family situations that they find difficult. It is not linked with ableism.
There still seems to be an imbalance in the way you weigh up your dd's and ds's needs.
I wonder if this is because you identify more with your ds? This may well not be a conscious thing.

Talk to them. Us speculating why they don’t spend much time with your DS doesn’t resolve shit, just like you using time spent with your DD as a punishment.

I get your anger, frustration and disappointment but use this as a teaching moment.

I totally empathize with you. I'm a mother of 4, now all grown, but my third child has Autism.
Sleepovers to Grandma's house (a mile away), visiting with cousins his age *right up the road), or just going to their Aunt's house to get in the pool, never included my son.
As he got older, he became painfully aware of being left out, and it played a part in growing depression and feelings of worth.
I would have a serious heart-to-heart with the grandparents, and explain how excluding your son, while showing favoritism to your daughter, is unhealthy for all parties.
Perhaps you can arrange a few visits to grabdparents home with just your son and you, while your husband does something fun with your daughter.
My son is 25 now, and still carries those negative thoughts of rejection, and not being good enough to be loved or wanted like his siblings were.

Why aren't the GPs stepping up and spending more time with their grandson?

The OP is even being rude to the people on her side.

Don't know why you bothered posting OP as people who even agree with you and sympathise are being torn down. Do you tear down your own family and friends like this when they offer advice and sympathy?

I don't think the OP comes across as rude - frustrated maybe?

It is quite depressing how many people on here think favouritism is OK as long as the less favoured child is disabled. I've seen many threads on here where posters agree that favouritism is absolutely not OK when the children in question are neurotypical.

Not one person has said favouritism is OK. What most people are saying is that denying the NT DD a normal relationship with grandparents is not the right way to make things equal with her ASD brother.

My brother and I are both autistic. However, I am very high functioning, my brother is not. He has a learning disability, complex needs, communication issues, he had horrendous meltdowns as a child. People knew he couldn't cope with a lot of things, or they knew they couldn't cope with him. But they didn't think it was fair to invite one and not the other, and so I missed out on a lot of things. Things that would have been good for me. Things I would have enjoyed. Just because people wanted to be "fair". Well, it wasn't fair. And if my brother did care, I really doubt he'd be glad I missed out on things too.

Still waiting for the OP to tell us if she has actually, you know, TALKED to the grandparents?