To say you take both or you don't get DD

[jamoncrumpets]

I have two children, DS is nearly eight, autistic and has additional needs. DD is four and neurotypical.

Neither side of the family has ever offered us practical support or help with DS, never offered to babysit or take him out. The only help I received with him was a few hours while I had planned c section for DD and then my husband had to go home by teatime to put him to bed.

DD is growing and developing at the same rate as her peers, she's a very funny and outgoing little girl who makes us all laugh. We put a lot of effort into giving her our attention and support so that she doesn't feel resentful of time that we have to give to her brother, who she loves.

She is getting to the age now where both sets of grandparents are talking about having her go to their houses to stay, or taking her on holiday. But when they talk about this they only ever mention her. Never my son.

My heart says you don't get to pick and choose which of my kids you give this attention to. But I don't want to deny DD happy memories. AIBU?

GP: we'd love to have DD over for a sleep over one night!
My response: that'd be great! DS and DD would love some time with nanny and grandpa and we'd love a night out! What night works best for you?

I don't do favourites in my family so it would be a both or neither situation for me.

Totally agree with you.
@jamoncrumpets I wouldn’t bother replying to these people anymore, they’re not going to see your point of view.
I was in a similar situation to you with other family members. I have a DS with special needs who is a fantastic young man and a a NT daughter, she loves her brother to bits and in fact if anything she was the one who was spoilt. When one particular family member used to ask for my daughter to have sleepovers I would just ask what about ……. Everything worked out in the end and all the family adore my son.
Sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job @jamoncrumpets
If I were you I’d just mute this conversation
good luck

You really are just spiralling, no one has said your son isn't worth of attention or affection, the fact you are seeing x and comprehending y proves your view on this is too twisted to trust your own instincts on what's right and wrong.

I don't think this is what most people are stating.

It is a known that parents and siblings of disabled can experience a range of stressors and feeling that increase risk of emotional problems. The person with disabilities can also feel the above. There may be guilt, shame, anger, jealousy, fear embarrassment and resentment. There may be a case of loss and bereavement.

This isn't strictly about how you treat your children. It more about that disabilities can present certain challenges especially as most people are ignorant of certain things. These challenges can be difficult to navigate. I say this as person with actual lived experiences of having disability/health condition.

OP it feels like you WANT people to post "ableist" things so you can whip up froth. People aren't obliging, so you're pretending they said things they didn't or willfully misunderstanding phrases like "I feel sorry for you."

There's a name for people who come onto forums just to cause arguments, but weirdly we're not allowed to use it on MN.

It's worth speaking to them to find out why they are apprehensive but they need to understand that you're not going to allow them to play favorites like this. I've personally told my own parents that they should feel free to lose my phone number for trying to play that game with my kids albeit for a different reason. If they can't accept one, then they don't get to have a relationship with either and that's the end of the story.

I could understand if his ASD is severe. Going off with inlaws would actually be more harmful than helpful for your son in that case. My cousin and I are both on the spectrum. You wouldn't know it unless I told you I had ASD but my cousin is 20 and still can't speak in spite of receiving extensive care for her condition.

I also have a nephew that is on the spectrum who sounds a bit more like your son. His impairment is more substantial than my own but no where near as bad as my cousin. He's a bit more work than a typical kiddo but not substantially so. His grandparents should have no problem keeping up with him. If they can't handle him, then I honestly don't think I could trust them with another kiddo of mine. Even NT kids can flip out like a child with ASD on occasion. They shouldn't be left to care for a child if that's a problem for them to deal with.

Good luck, but stay strong. Your kid's relationship with their grandparents is ultimately fleeting as cruel as that is to say. They'll have each other for their whole lives. It's far more important to cultivate a loving a supportive relationship between your kids than it is for your kids to have that with you or your partner's parents - no questions asked. It shouldn't even be a question which choice you should make when the morbid actions of others force you to do so.

You lost me at ‘chicken teddies’.

No one is saying that about your DS. You asked AIBU about dd seeing her Gp's one on one. You deliberately withheld the extent of your sons needs to try and garner replies that met what you wanted to hear. Now you are deliberately slanting what has been said.

You have no clue whatsoever about how my child is raised.

on the basis of how you have come across on this thread OP, I think we have a fair idea actually.

Really? Because someone just replied 'I could understand if his autism is severe' which is saying 'If he's too disabled, instead of just a bit disabled, it's fine to leave him out'. Which is ableist. Even if meant kindly or supportively. I am not a troll for pointing that out.

Yes, several replies in an anonymous Internet forum is definitely enough to form a balanced view, as is having absolutely no first hand experience whatsoever of the children involved. And people say I'm being rude on here? I'm not telling anyone they're a shit parent.

Delicious midweek treat. Have you tried one? They're super tasty. M&S.

The issue I have been coming back to, over and over, which people don't seem to have an issue with, is that my kids' grandparents on both sides take a very proactive role in interacting with my non disabled child, and a very passive one in interacting with my disabled child. And that as my non disabled child develops they are increasingly wanting to do things with just her, and no things with her sibling. Putting money into an envelope on his birthday and Christmas isn't enough, because they do, and want to do, so much more with my daughter

She will notice the gulf in her grandparents' interactions with her and her sibling, perhaps not immediately but soon, she is very bright and astute. And she will ask me about it. So I'm trying to figure out how to proceed, for her, in a way that doesn't disadvantage her sibling.

On the advice of many reasonable people here I will probably facilitate a discussion, in a positive and non aggressive way along the lines of 'How great that you want to do X with DD, DS has a school concert/sports day/birthday on Y day, would you like to come to that too?' and see what the response is. Not forgetting DH is also their equal parent and has an equal say in how we proceed.

I find it laughable to call me a troll when I am repeatedly trying to bring the topic back to the actual issue.

It's not ableism, it's a practical point. If a child requires extensive safeguarding ie a system of locks in the home, and has meltdowns when not around their primary caregiver, it is unreasonable both to the child and to the GPs to insist they take him away on holiday.

Do you really think - with the information you've withheld but is available on your other threads - your son would enjoy being away from you in a new environment on holiday? Because you said he won't even be taken to school by anybody else and has meltdowns because he needs to be around you.

I have a sister with autism myself, but she doesn't have issues in new environments, so she's fine going on holiday. But I also have a sister with severe anxiety who doesn't come on holiday because she simply doesn't enjoy it.

You need to think both about the grandparents' ability to provide high-level care, and what your son would actually enjoy.

I'm not asking for 'high level care' @georgarina - people are just assuming that because the child is disabled (which is ableist). I'm not recruiting a carer. I just want to see some people take equal interest in my kids. Because if they don't BOTH kids will notice.

@jamoncrumpets ok, but they're not taking equal notice. And you can't force them to. So now you need to accept that as it is, and work out whether or not you want to let it negatively impact your DD as well as your DS. i recommend no.

I'm guessing they just want to take the easiesr child out/on holiday etc and depending on your SEN child's issues they may not feel confident enough to deal with them on their own.

If they refuse to take equal notice they don't just get DD. I would have no issue limiting access to both of my children, or supervised access only if that were the case. But that isn't Plan A. Plan A is to facilitate meaningful contact with both kids.

Eg if he has a meltdown and they don't feel equipped to deal with it and keep both him and themselves safe then I totally get their reluctance. It's not a bad thing to know your limitations and voice them.

That's exactly it. But I don't mind them taking one away and not the other if the one left behind has had some consideration and affection from them. At present that isn't the case. I hope it changes.

Again you are being dishonest. Because you didn't title your thread 'how to get GPs to take equal notice of my kids,' you titled it 'To say you take both or you don't get DD.'

FFS.

Every single person on here is dishonest @georgarina - because we all withhold certain things about our lives. If you want complete truth I suggest Internet forums are not the place for you.

So you're going to cut of your DD's nose to spite your face?

The issue I have been coming back to, over and over, which people don't seem to have an issue with, is that my kids' grandparents on both sides take a very proactive role in interacting with my non disabled child, and a very passive one in interacting with my disabled child.

No, every parent I know with a child with SEN had that problem with either their own parents or in laws. Nobody I knew ever found a solution to it; and sometimes you have to accept you are banging your head against a brick law! You can’t force a relationship between other people! My DM spent all DD1’s childhood, telling me there was nothing wrong with her, and all these professionals were talking mumbo jumbo. Now DD is grown up, DM can’t say there is nothing wrong with her, but she is downright rude to DD, and forever complaining how the money spent on her care, should be spent on the elderly. I don’t feel the need to ask the advice of an Internet forum about it, when every other parent I know, sees their DC with ASD left out by the extended family!

The question is what to do about OP’s DD, when I am 20+ years further down the line from her!

You still don't explain why you want your son to be looked after by people that are, in your words, ableist and selfish. Why do you want your son to be with people that don't want to be with him? How does that make your son feel loved? Either they're not the nasty cold hearted bigots you make out. Or, you are ableist yourself not accepting your son's needs and wishing everyone else would ignore them so you can pretend. You understand this reluctance to accept our limits also makes disabled people feel unloved and unwanted right? I can't do some things, that's okay. I need help with some things, that's okay. I don't need to be forced upon people that don't want me around and feel like a charity case or third wheel.