Would you go to a party if you knew your invitation had been an after thought?

[coodawoodashooda]

I know I received my invitation at least more than a fortnight after everyone else. I wasn't keen on going and now I realise my invite was after everyone else's I really don't want to go. Aibu?

OP the ‘going to Disney’ and ‘new extension’ stuff is as mundane as it gets! Don’t fall for thinking this is what you need to be chatting about.

People are only human and sometimes they forget. I've had parties where I've initially forgotten to invite good friends and only remembered later. It wasn't a testament to our friendship but to memory.

They invited ex and he RSVP NO. Now they have invited you.

As a general rule, I'd politely decline and state a "previous engagement" as the reason why.

I've hosted a few events for occasions in my time and have a blanket rule of no second list, just one of everyone to be invited. I know for various reasons that's not always possible but I'd really rather not have the event at all than risk upsetting or offending people. If I care enough to invite them at all, they deserve to be invited in the first instance.

I firmly but politely declined an invitation from a close friend last week actually that read like this:

"Hey,

Can you join us for dinner on Friday? Dan's boss is coming and we need one to make up the numbers, plus we need someone to charm the boss. He has a thing for big-breasted brunettes so will love you. Just a word of warning though he's not keen on successful women so if you can play down what you do that would be great! Hope you can make it babe! xx"

As it happens, I did have a previous engagement but for all of the reasons above I was declining that one!!"

I'm interested in this from the opposite perspective. I have had a couple of people pull out of an event I'm organising, and wondering how it would be received if I invited some people to fill the gaps. These are people I would still really love to have along, but budget constraints put a limit on who I could invite.

Definitely not.

@TakeMeToKernow , same here with a wedding - a lovely close friend of a dd. I wasn’t remotely offended - of course numbers were limited by ££ so I was happy to fill a cancellation.

Ordinary parties, though - TBH I’d probably be glad of a reason not to go!

Honestly I would invite them another time to something else. It feels shit.

Oh yuck, how can anyone genuinely think that's an invitation worth considering? Are you sure it wasn't meant to be funny, some kind of joke, a pisstake of Dan's lecherous boss?

I would have replied "Yeah, babe, I've got the brown hair and big breasts and can play dumb brunette for your wonderful dinner party. On the other hand if you're at all serious, fuck off."

From the OPs subsequent posts, the problem isn't so much a late invite but the feeling of being left out in general as a single person.

This is actually a good reason to go to the party to rectify that.

@Lujo that’s a particularly awful invitation isn’t it?

Think of it the other way round.

You're having a party. You'd really like to invite your friend x but have to invite cousin y or grandma will be upset.

Cousin y drops out. Hurray! You can invite x and let them know.

Or you are drawing up a list and thinking about your do. You send out some invites but realise you forgot to add x. It's not malicious you were just busy and get the extra invite sent out asap.

There are other options too, such as friends n & z really want x to come. Hosts agree this would be a great idea.

In any of these situations, as the host, you would want x to come.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. Like I have done loads of times and then felt stupid afterwards

Urgh so many of you are so highly strung with very fragile egos!

it’s a party! Go! Enjoy yourself and let your hair down

I would go and show them what they are missing by having the most fun, telling the most entertaining stories and spoiling them with my sparkling personality.

my feeling of total shame about my situation.

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

I really think you should go. Have your excuse ready if it turns out to be shit and you want to leave early. But really, be brave and go.

In the nicest way, no one cares in the slightest that you're going through a divorce, are overweight, feel shit. We're all self absorbed creatures, ultimately. Loads of people at this party will have their own shit going on too. Just be bright and ask people questions, get them talking about themselves.

No one will know either that you're a "late invite" other than the hosts.

Honestly I think you need to look at this as an opportunity and grab it. Even if you only stay for an hour. Don't let your ex take this away from you by how he's left you feeling. Fuck him!

Good grief!

I had a similar query a few weeks ago.

We received a save the date for a child's birthday party back in Feb... then nothing else.

The week of the party (June), I sent a note to the child's mother to see if it was still on, and she responded immediately with the invitation.

I then thought "was the parent waiting and hoping I'd forget... was DD uninvited, and only re-invited when I asked?" and I felt SHIT, for me, and for DD.

But I asked another friend, and she too had only just received the actual invitation.

So I suspect that the birthday-child's parents were just disorganised. And it reminded me, never presume malice when it can be put down to incompetence.

NB: Incompetence is a strong word here, but general disorganisation.

Invite them and tell them exactly what you've said here.
What people are missing is that late invitees have otherwise not been invited at all. So unless the event is kept a secret, any offence at not being included will have already been taken if they're that type. So I don't see how a late invitation and reasonable explanation could make it worse.
Don't let some of the dafter attitudes on here let you do your friends out of the opportunity to choose for themselves.

There are a lot of people being very unforgiving. Everybody makes mistakes. I have written lists for things then added to them at a later date when I remembered something or somebody that/who had not popped into my head when I had made the original list. I've also been invited late to things, on the actual day on one occasion when I was in town and saw somebody across the road who came running over and said 'OMG I can't believe I didn't include you on the list but I'm having a thing later can you come?'. I simply can't imagine getting a late invitation and being remotely bothered about being 'an afterthought'.

I wouldn't go if I didn't want to, but I wouldn't let a late invite stop me if I did.

@Lujo I'd be sacking that friend off, toot sweet! I don't think it could be more insulting...

Thanks. I am a very open and straightforward person so would be upfront, rather than pretending nothing was wrong. I had to make decisions around the budget we had, which necessarily left out some people who would actually be great to have along.

Of course. Most people understand exactly what you're describing and it wouldn't cross their minds they should be included in every event if they're not close friends. The more common reaction is its a nice surprise to be thought of I think.

Christ alive. Is this helpful to the OP? Have you read any of her updates?

Assuming not, she’s been through a bruising divorce and has drifted slightly from a group of friends to whom she was previously close. She’s unhappy with her appearance at the moment, feels that she has no good news to share and has lost touch with her former vivacious, popular fun self. Poor bloody OP. I feel for her. Could happen to any of us.

But, and this comes from a place of kindness, she has to start digging herself out of her slough of despond because nobody is going to do it for her.

She’s had good advice from other posters who suggest that she goes anyway and reconnects. It can only be a good thing for her social life and sense of self.

Telling her that her friends, who let’s not forget have asked for her company at this event, even if they have done so quite late, ‘don’t see her as worth socialising with’ or are ‘not close friends she can depend on’ is no help at all. Maybe after the party some of them will become close friends again. The OP needs more social outlets, not fewer.

OP, like a PP I’d go to the party with you if I could! Please go. Try to remember how you were at your best and think of some light, fun conversation topics. Even flipping Love Island or Jerry Hall divorcing Rupert Murdoch, who cares!

It was a legit message. She and I have been friends for 31 years and I wasn't shocked by the message at all. Suffice to say she's painfully honest............🙄