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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you go to a party if you knew your invitation had been an after thought?

313 replies

coodawoodashooda · 05/07/2022 22:14

I know I received my invitation at least more than a fortnight after everyone else. I wasn't keen on going and now I realise my invite was after everyone else's I really don't want to go. Aibu?

OP posts:
MRex · 09/07/2022 22:49

But that just it. I don't think the way I was invited was nice.

Why do you think it isn't nice, I really don't get it? Nobody needs to send a bunch of flowers, selection of dates for you to pick from and a limo for a BBQ invite, they just send details and ask you to reply. You will run out of invites very quickly if you make yourself such hard work as a friend.

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2022 23:01

They sent details with an rsvp that had passed by more than a fortnight previously. Within that time frame (this bit is a drip feed, sorry) I had met with the host. No mention of anything. Like I say it has probably all be a pretty good reality check.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/07/2022 23:03

I'm sorry, but I agree with MRex.

There could be loads of nice reasons why you received the invitation after other guests, but you insist on focusing on the one negative reason.

You need to get rid of this mindset that you aren't good enough. If you weren't good enough you wouldn't have been invited at all.

I'm assuming that the expense is because it involves an overnight stay?

daisypond · 09/07/2022 23:03

But that just it. I don't think the way I was invited was nice

Just bizarre. Surely getting invited to anything is generally nice. I’d be pleased to be invited to things, I don’t feel offended or insulted. But if you’ve got lots of other exciting things that lots of people invite you to, perhaps you must look at things differently.

MRex · 09/07/2022 23:15

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2022 23:01

They sent details with an rsvp that had passed by more than a fortnight previously. Within that time frame (this bit is a drip feed, sorry) I had met with the host. No mention of anything. Like I say it has probably all be a pretty good reality check.

Right, so your friend met you and thought "let's see if there is any space at the BBQ for @coodawoodashooda." Then made it happen. That's really nice actually, it suggests they really enjoyed seeing you.

You're annoyed that you weren't top of the list. We get it. But it's not realistic. People have a right to have all manner of gatherings without you there and miss out other friends to gatherings that you go to. We can't have everyone at every event, that wouldn't work.
Does £100 mean you live a long way away?

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2022 23:19

MRex · 09/07/2022 23:15

Right, so your friend met you and thought "let's see if there is any space at the BBQ for @coodawoodashooda." Then made it happen. That's really nice actually, it suggests they really enjoyed seeing you.

You're annoyed that you weren't top of the list. We get it. But it's not realistic. People have a right to have all manner of gatherings without you there and miss out other friends to gatherings that you go to. We can't have everyone at every event, that wouldn't work.
Does £100 mean you live a long way away?

Clothes, gift, travel.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 09/07/2022 23:25

Is it a birthday party? You could get a reasonably decent bottle of wine for £10 as a gift. Don't you have any clothes already that you could wear?

Are you always this negative?

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2022 23:28

RampantIvy · 09/07/2022 23:25

Is it a birthday party? You could get a reasonably decent bottle of wine for £10 as a gift. Don't you have any clothes already that you could wear?

Are you always this negative?

I'm going to sign out of this thread for now.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 10/07/2022 00:18

I have to agree with @MRex , @RampantIvy , and @daisypond

It is just such an odd way to think.

If you don't want to have friends, go ou,t, enjoy yourself, then don't, but why pretend it matters that they decided to invite you after seeing you and thinking, oh, lets see if we can get you there too' (which sounds like a compliment to me)

BotCrossHuns · 10/07/2022 08:26

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2022 18:46

You have made some points that are reasonable but you haven't mentioned spending money on travel, etc. That features in my list of why I don't want to bother going. Not to mention turning up and coping with being single.

I didn't mention those, because you were saying it was because you were offended that you weren't high enough on their list to be invited in the first round.

Not being able to afford to go is a valid reason not to. And while I think coping with being newly single is something you'll have to learn to do, if you don't want to do that at the moment, then that's Ok too. But those have nothing to do with the way they invited you. You are perfectly entitled not to want to go, for whatever reason. I think it's better to accept that you don't want to go, rather than trying to find a justification for it about not being invited first round, because the more you focus on that, the more you'll come to believe that they did something wrong, it was rude, you were hard done by etc,- you'll just subconsciously take that view on, and end up feeling more aggrieved. And it will show in the end, and you might then get fewer invitations to things at a point when you might feel like getting back out there.

So don't go if you don't fancy it, don't want to spend the money, don't feel like having conversations with people. It's a perfectly valid choice all on its own, and you can accept that you are in control of deciding whether you fancy a party or not without feeling you need to explain that somehow to anyone, including yourself.

I tend to accept invitations that I don't really want to go to, partly because I am insecure about not being invited again. I'm certainly not top of anyone's list, and I don't particularly expect to be high up there, so you're obviously doing better than me there. I'm more grateful to be included at whatever point. I'd love to be more interesting and exciting and the sort of person that people always think of when planning a guest list, a 'unmissable' party person, but frankly, I'm just not and never have been. If that's been your role in the past, then there's no real reason why you won't get back to that once you feel ready to go back out again and be social.

kateandme · 10/07/2022 17:16

I think you basically need to work on your beliefs about you op. And that is NOT a dig. When you feel like you do about yourself the shit seem a shiitwr the okseem a shit and even the not so bad seems shit.because your head,how u feel towards you interperates everything to be that way-against you. And it hurts deeper too.
This may or may not have been ideal situation.but when you start to feel good in yourself you are to reflect.and either get going with it thinking it's just be nice to be there.or think they hate you are it's offensive and because your not worthy.
Then everything to do with it just hurts.
If that too is the case someone without your lacking of esteem would think fuck em I'm not going coz I feel hurt and have a night in or out with people they love.
So you gotta find your self worth again op.

Marvellousmadness · 10/07/2022 17:19

Just dont go op
Stop being so sulky about it.
You got an invite because maybe someone else bowed out
Either go. Or don't
Stop being so boohoo about it.

filettodipesce · 16/07/2022 11:26

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