Would you go to a party if you knew your invitation had been an after thought?

[coodawoodashooda]

I know I received my invitation at least more than a fortnight after everyone else. I wasn't keen on going and now I realise my invite was after everyone else's I really don't want to go. Aibu?

I would just reply with sorry but I’ve got better plans

I once cat sat for friends who were engaged.
They went off on holiday in a hurry evidently because lying under a magazine I’d picked up to read was an A4 excel spreadsheet that had four columns of names, A B C D, who were the would be wedding guests in order of priority. I was right at the bottom of D, which was the back up column in case people on the C list said no….

So you're on the B-list, you know it and they're not trying to hide that it was a later invitation. They don't feel as close to you as they do to other people, and you have to decide what to do about that fact - they're not wrong to feel that way.

It doesn't mean that you're awful and they secretly want nothing to do with you. You could well have been in the list of people they know but decided not to invite. Maybe they don't feel really close to you, and think of you as one of their nearest friends, but they like you and enjoy your company. Do you see them as really close friends, and this is a really unexpected slight to find that you're not one of theirs? That would hurt, to realise you aren't really close when you thought you were. But if you aren't really close to them, but on a wider list, maybe you can feel wanted in the sense that of all the wider circle, they've now been able to include people like you.

I think you need to just make the decision on whether you'd enjoy the party, enjoy the other people there, etc., and decide how you feel about the friendship separately. If you really felt close to them and weren't invited, that must have hurt all along, and getting a later invitation would be difficult. Did you already feel upset that you weren't involved in a close friend's party? Or were you not that close, in which case, be pleased that you are now someone they choose to include. If you never really wanted to go anyway, then make your excuses and decline - you don't need this as a reason.

No I wouldn't

Also ask yourself how much effort have you made with these friends recently? How many events have you invited them to?

People advising you to decline simply based on a late invitation is really just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Regardless of when invitations went out, this person has thought of you and decided to invite you to an event to celebrate a significant event in their life.

Totally different to not being invited at all.

If you follow the advice of a lot of people on this thread telling you to effectively cut these people off - you risk you life becoming smaller and smaller over time.

Drop the ego (and I mean this in a kind way) and be open to opportunities.

It just proves how out of the loop I am. My xh was very rude to people and I lost my whole community really. I used to be the bubbly life of the party. I don't have much going on. Still dealing with money worries etc so don't feel I have the small talk that bumbles these types of events along. I don't have the new extension, flying to Disney land type chat. I used to but now its mundane shit which just perpetuates my feeling of total shame about my situation.

For me it depends whether I would have expected to be invited or not.

If not, I wouldn't mind being an afterthought. I actually love being invited in this circumstance because there is no pressure. I can just stay for an hour or not show up at all if I'm not feeling it on the day. Or I can stay all night and dance on the tables, no need to worry about embarrassing myself as I hardly know the people.

If it was close friends, that's different.

I can't really tell from your update which group these people fall in to. I don't think your weight is anything to worry about though.

I agree with @UrbanCoyote

I’d go if only if I wanted to go. If other friends or family were going to be there or there was a good band or something. You might be on the host’s B list, but you’ll be on the A list for some of the people there and the event will give you the opportunity to spend time with them.

It sounds like you are dreading going to this couples party as a single person . In my experience things like this aren’t normally as bad as you expect . If you think the party might be fun - you should go - you don’t have to stay ages if it’s as bad as you're anticipating . I think the late invitation is a separate issue but is more likely to happen again if you don’t go . I have been the divorced one at couples parties when I got divorced in my late 20s I went .. sometimes I had a great time and sometimes not so much

Given your last update this is the perfect opportunity to reconnect as 'you' not as someone associated with the ex.

No one cares about extensions or Disney chat. If you feel like you have nothing to say about yourself go and listen to others and ask questions about them, what they are doing. People like to talk about themselves. Honestly, so many other people will have social anxiety of some kind and will be just trying to think of interesting things to say as well.

I'd go if I wanted to go, ie. if I thought I would enjoy it or get something out of it. But I would also relegate that friendship in my head and no longer invest any emotional energy into it.

If you've not been your usual bubbly self lately, then it could be that the friendship as waned a bit, and you aren't in the group that they are very close to.

But they fact that they've chosen to include you now might be because they miss you and would like to build it back up - so perhaps you can see this as a chance to get closer to them again? But without blaming them or feeling that they've done something wrong by inviting you late - focus on the fact that you have been included now, rather than the fact that you aren't in their closest group. It's not like a party has a set number of places that had to be filled, so them choosing to ask you now means that they value something in your company that means they'd like you there. Your ex isn't around now, so you can focus on building up positive relationships with people. Mundane stuff is fine for small talk and you can move onto more interesting conversations - people don't usually want to hear about money things anyway; they want to know how you are and what's happening in your life and what you think about things.

If you had still thought you were part of a very close group, then of course it will be a shock to find out you're not ,and that really stings, but maybe if you can get over the disappointment of finding that out, and be thinking of how you can be closer to them in the future, if that's what you want, you might enjoy going. I don't think it's shameful to not have close friends - lots of us don't - and I doubt they were trying to point that out by inviting you.

You know if people ask about you and what you are doing, be honest - you are coming through a difficult divorce and you are slowly piecing your life back together. No one will judge you. Christ over the last few years, nearly everyone I know has been through some kind of personal crisis and so many people are just 'surviving'.

It sounds like this is partly upsetting due to the way you feel about yourself, and after your divorce. 3 stone overweight is about the average overweight that people carry, so I'm told, so I imagine you look better than you think. I have an excess of about 4 stone, and I no longer give any F*cks if people have a problem with it. It says more about them than me, frankly. I would be more upset that they hadn't had the wit to remove the already passed RSVP date.

People are scared of divorced women. Ask me how I know If you want to go, go and strut your funky stuff, if it's boring leave early. My XH was a knob too. I have a new circle now, as he got all the nobby friends in the divorce. Meh, no loss.

In this situation, I might mention the RSVP date, even in a throw away passive agressive way 😂just so I didn't burst holding it in.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Why be so utterly obnoxious? I think you protest just a little bit too much. People who are genuinely happy in their own skin don't need to posture. Your response to User, after their polite explanation to your first rude post, speaks volumes.

There seem to be more uppity and delusional posters here than there ever were.

I'd go, if I wanted to. You never know who you might meet. From their pov, it's hardly going to impact their life if you don't go, but you may miss out on meeting someone special, so going is more important from your pov.

In todays climate, to be honest 'the party arsehole' will be the one talking about going to the Caribbean, to Disney or building an extension. So many people are struggling with financial, mental or physical health worries. I honestly think you will be pleasantly surprised if you go to this - how kind and welcoming people can be.

At the recent events I have been too, people have been so much more open about personal struggles, I really do think that culture of talking about the best schools, the best holidays etc is over (thank god).

From your update OP it doesn't sound the most fun event for you. Personally I very much dislike homogeneous couple gatherings with talk of nothing but houses and family holidays. Very dull for people not living that life (and I pretty much am!) Is that likely to be the dominant conversation? Will everyone be a couple? If so, in your circumstances it might not be ideal anyway. Unless you think it has potential as a gateway event, to reconnect with people in order that you can plan more fun stuff for the future. In which case, it might be worth tolerating.

I felt some honest feedback would be helpful to op, looking too eager is not appealing. It’s not obnoxious to be straight with people.

I genuinely don’t have time to waste on second hand invites, but none of my friends would ever do this anyway. It’s crass. It might be different in other circles.

Op, if your friends were genuinely interested in looking out for you, and bringing you back into the fold they would have invited you in the first place. You are just making up the numbers.

To improve your confidence you need to spend time with friends that build you up, make you laugh and make you feel loved. Get some exercise, book a break and work on yourself. You don’t sound ready to re enter the wider social circle yet with people that are not fully supportive beyond lip service. Take your time - you can do this 💐💐

Life is too short to pore over who was sent what when, and to get in a huff over these perceived slights.

Being on the B-list is not an insult and nor does it mean they don't really like you. Friendship isn't a binary "you're in or you're out" thing. I have friends I've known for over a decade but never become super-close to. They're on my B-list and I'm probably on theirs. At the same time I enjoy their company and having them somewhat in my life, and if there's a reason we never got closer it's to do with factors like geography, time limitations, slightly different leisure activities.

I've also had plenty of B- or even C-list friends who actually became extremely close once different situations threw us together several years into being acquainted. Someone being B-list now can be a reflection of circumstances, not how much I like them.

In terms of invites, there's simply a numbers limit on any sort of party you're hosting. And unless it's something formal like a wedding I wouldn't sit and plan the guestlist. Quite often when DP and I throw a party it starts off with seeing whether our closest friends are around, then gradually expanding the invites in a fairly random way.

I've also attended a wedding where I knew I was a replacement for a drop-out. I didn't feel insulted because it was the kind of friendship where I knew we were on each other's B-list. Still had a great time, was still happy for them, they were still happy to have me. It's not a big deal, it's just how friendships work.

I think I'd just message them to say sorry you missed the RSVP date so won't be attending but hope they have a great time.

Personally, I would go, eat the cake, drink the wine, chat to a few people and then go home when the fun stops.

Sod being an afterthought, you may not have been. I've missed crucial people out of a group invitation before now, mainly because I'm an idiot and press send before I've checked and double-checked that everyone is included.

I wouldn't care at all. I know it's cool to say you don't like parties but I'm always happy to go to one and if they thought of me enough for an invite then fine, who cares when it arrived. No need to be precious about it.

Yes I would go if I fancied the party. Being a late invitee isn't an insult- you can't be everyone's top 50 person (or whatever) just as not everyone is your top 50 person.

However it sounds as if you don't really want to go, in which case no biggie, just say you're busy. I wouldn't say something unpleasant- why would you do this unless your aim is never to be invited anywhere again?

PMSL at someone comparing a late invite to "dragging the homeless in to bulk out the numbers" while also calling other people crass 😂