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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to a party if you knew your invitation had been an after thought?

313 replies

coodawoodashooda · 05/07/2022 22:14

I know I received my invitation at least more than a fortnight after everyone else. I wasn't keen on going and now I realise my invite was after everyone else's I really don't want to go. Aibu?

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 05/07/2022 22:38

It probably wouldn't bother me having a late invitation as an afterthought, unless it was to something major for a member of the immediate family. Otherwise, people are busy and I don't expect to be at the forefront of anyone's mind.

Trainfromredhill · 05/07/2022 22:41

Depends what the party was. Christening of a child of a university friend whom I hadn’t seen in 20 years at a location 5 hours drive away, probably not. Christening of ex husbands kid born out of the affair that split us up where Ed sheeran has been hired for entertainment……probably.

Bells3032 · 05/07/2022 22:43

I've been to parties I wasn't even invited to and actually made some amazing friends that way. One of my closest friends met her now husband when he came along uninvited to my party so eh.

I would go if I think id enjoy the party. I recognise I can't always be the top of somelnes list and sometimes they have limited numbers. But sounds like you don't want to go and are finding an excuse to justify that choice. You don't need to justify not going if you don't think you'd have a good time. Just politely decline

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 05/07/2022 22:44

No because I'd be offended and would be smarting regardless of how much I could tell myself it was simply a mistake and they meant to invite me. I'd feel embarrassed as if they were pitying me by inviting me which I KNOW would not necessarily be the case but that is how I'd feel.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 05/07/2022 22:44

Bells3032 · 05/07/2022 22:43

I've been to parties I wasn't even invited to and actually made some amazing friends that way. One of my closest friends met her now husband when he came along uninvited to my party so eh.

I would go if I think id enjoy the party. I recognise I can't always be the top of somelnes list and sometimes they have limited numbers. But sounds like you don't want to go and are finding an excuse to justify that choice. You don't need to justify not going if you don't think you'd have a good time. Just politely decline

I think an uninvited coincidence is different than a late invitation

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 05/07/2022 22:48

I got invited to a wedding at a weeks notice. I declined. My friend had a big party last week and had lots of cancellations due to the train strike and covid. I pointed out that people might be offended at being last minute additions to make up numbers. But apparently it was ok.

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2022 22:48

Most people have a A list and reserve list when planning parties etc. You can't be close friends with everyone. So it's fine to be on the B list and very churlish/childish to refuse on that basis. MN also has an attitude against evening only wedding invites. But people have budgets they have to stick to. What I see on here doesn't reflect real life.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 05/07/2022 22:50

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2022 22:48

Most people have a A list and reserve list when planning parties etc. You can't be close friends with everyone. So it's fine to be on the B list and very churlish/childish to refuse on that basis. MN also has an attitude against evening only wedding invites. But people have budgets they have to stick to. What I see on here doesn't reflect real life.

The boys list of a wedding is not the same as the b list of a bbq.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 05/07/2022 22:51

No I wouldn't be offended.

Tbh if you don't want to go then don't your an adult!

IrisVersicolor · 05/07/2022 22:52

If it’s your best friend and they invited you late I’d simply ask them why. I’d they’re not your close friends then I don’t really see what the problem is.

I like parties so if I thought it would be a laugh I’d go regardless particularly if I were single.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/07/2022 22:53

I wouldnt. Would RSVP with "Oh if only you'd asked me X weeks ago (however many weeks ago they asked everyone else) I could've made it! Sorry!"

I wouldnt because being B list, so last minute invite, implies that they think I will have nothing better to do, that I am only there to make up numbers and not because they want my company, AND....that I will attend no matter how short notice simply because its them that are asking....they are that desirable as friends. Insulted would only be the start!

Oh and I would rename them as aquaintanes rather than friends and treat them as such.

Iamthewombat · 05/07/2022 22:58

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 05/07/2022 22:44

No because I'd be offended and would be smarting regardless of how much I could tell myself it was simply a mistake and they meant to invite me. I'd feel embarrassed as if they were pitying me by inviting me which I KNOW would not necessarily be the case but that is how I'd feel.

Are you for real? You must carry a lot of grudges around!

OP, just go to the party. You might have fun.

Dacquoise · 05/07/2022 23:00

Depends on the sentiment behind it. Knew someone who used invites to control those around her. Invited everyone in the group to her birthday party except me weeks in advance. Waited to the day before to invite me. Same person handed out Christmas cards to everyone standing in the playground, except me. Also waited to the morning of an event to offer me a lift to the train station although I knew she'd already organised with everyone else. I ended up not going, couldn't be arsed with the mind games anymore. She was an absolute bully and glad to see the back of her.

Iamthewombat · 05/07/2022 23:01

I wouldnt because being B list, so last minute invite, implies that they think I will have nothing better to do, that I am only there to make up numbers and not because they want my company, AND....that I will attend no matter how short notice simply because its them that are asking....they are that desirable as friends. Insulted would only be the start!

Oh and I would rename them as aquaintanes rather than friends and treat them as such.

Bloody hell. Bad blood between your clans for ever and friendship destroyed, because you were invited to a party at short notice?

Stylishkidintheriot · 05/07/2022 23:02

If I wanted to go and thought I’d have fun... then I’d go

isthatwhatyoureallywanted · 05/07/2022 23:04

It depends on the host. If I knew they threw a good party and had liked friends of their's that I'd met in the past or at least liked the sound of them if I hadn't met them, then I'd be there like a shot. I've had great nights as such events. One of my best friends now was the plus one of a friend of a friend at a party I got invited to as a last minute stand in. I gained a whole new social circle in my 20s from going to a similar event, mentioning I wanted to do X to a group I was chatting to, they happened to have a spare ticket from X and it went from there.

Twopenny · 05/07/2022 23:12

Yeah, if I was free and I thought I'd enjoy it, I'd go.

After all, you can't be everyone's very best bestie. There are people who I know I'm a B-list friend for - because they are also my B-list friend. Not because we don't like each other, but because we both have people we know better or have known longer or have other closer bonds with. I wouldn't be bothered about being invited late to their party, because the same might happen in reverse - ideally I'd like to invite the right away but other people take precedent when numbers are limited.

Dummycrusher · 05/07/2022 23:24

What's your relationship with the inviter? If you're close then i guess you must be hurting that you're a b lister? If you're not close then is it a surprise you're a b lister? In those circumstances I'd feel pleased i was invited and would go if I thought it would be fun.

Thebeastofsleep · 05/07/2022 23:33

How were you invited? If by post then I wouldn't read anything in to it, I do invites in batches because I hate it. If by text, well I often text different people on different days.

butterflied · 05/07/2022 23:39

Nah. If they wanted you there you would have been invited much earlier.

CuriousMama · 05/07/2022 23:46

Did you think you were close friends?

Kite22 · 05/07/2022 23:53

If it were an event I thought I would enjoy, then of course I'd go.

I can't see why it matters if someone asks you a month in advance or 2 days before (unless you need to arrange babysitters or swap a shift at work or something).

The point here is, you say you don't want to go, and it comes across as if you are using the fact you might have been invited closer to the event than someone else as an excuse.
If you don't want to go - just reply that you can't make it. You don't need a reason. Even if someone asks, you can just say you have other plans. You don't need to say what they are. But if you did want to go, then just accept.
It's not complicated at all.

Iamthewombat · 06/07/2022 00:03

isthatwhatyoureallywanted · 05/07/2022 23:04

It depends on the host. If I knew they threw a good party and had liked friends of their's that I'd met in the past or at least liked the sound of them if I hadn't met them, then I'd be there like a shot. I've had great nights as such events. One of my best friends now was the plus one of a friend of a friend at a party I got invited to as a last minute stand in. I gained a whole new social circle in my 20s from going to a similar event, mentioning I wanted to do X to a group I was chatting to, they happened to have a spare ticket from X and it went from there.

Now that’s the spirit!

I go to loads of corporate dos as a B lister when someone more important than me drops out. Often at a few days’ notice. So bloody what? I enjoy the events, drink the free drinks and have a chat. I’ve made some good work contacts. I wouldn’t dream of being offended at the late invitation.

Noticingb · 06/07/2022 00:07

There has to be a cut off somewhere
how many people are going? Say it’s 50 - would they be in the first 50 people you would invite to a party? Would you expect to be in their top 50 people?
would you rather they had a place free and still didn’t invite you?

presumably they’ll be supplying food and alcohol still? I don’t think it’s a big deal, unless it’s one of your best friends and you didn’t make the cut of a massive guest list

so it’s just if you want to go or not. Non of us can answer that
if you don’t just say you’re busy but thanks anyway
no big deal?!

Cameleongirl · 06/07/2022 00:16

Twopenny · 05/07/2022 23:12

Yeah, if I was free and I thought I'd enjoy it, I'd go.

After all, you can't be everyone's very best bestie. There are people who I know I'm a B-list friend for - because they are also my B-list friend. Not because we don't like each other, but because we both have people we know better or have known longer or have other closer bonds with. I wouldn't be bothered about being invited late to their party, because the same might happen in reverse - ideally I'd like to invite the right away but other people take precedent when numbers are limited.

I feel the same, @Twopenny . I’m not at all bothered that I’m some people’s B-list friend if I enjoy myself when we get together.

Tbh, I view my closest friends like sisters and I’m happy when they do something fun with other people - I don’t mind hearing about it either.
It makes friendships so much more relaxed.

If they do something I’m interested in, or meet up with other people I like, I’m not above saying that I’d like to go next time. 😂