Can I ask you if you think I'm lazy?

[dhisaknob]

I have 3 kids oldest is 5 middle one is 3 and youngest is 12 weeks.

I do all the night feeds and then I will do the last feed at 6 and then I will get up. Feed kids get them ready for school & nursery. DH will drop them off and I will stay at home with the baby and clean and tidy. Then around 10:00am I will get back into bed with baby with a cuppa try and nap or just relax. DH will drop DD back from nursery at 12 then he goes back to his office. I will do lunch for me and DD and then we will get back into bed we will then usually all fall asleep.

Then about 1:30 I will get up shower and get babies next feed ready. Then I will stay downstairs for the rest of the day and do dinner etc.

DH will pop in and see me napping or whatever and will accuse me of being lazy and will say"why don't you just up get dressed and take the kids out instead of getting back into bed"

It works for me because if I don't catch up on some sleep I will feel groggy all day. No I don't do much with the kids during the week but we are out every weekend without fail.

Aibu?

@K8Shrop

Depends on how many night feeds doesn't it and whether it's every night?
To me personally it just sounds a lot. I never got back in bed when I had my kids. Might lie on the sofa for a nap if the twins ever managed to sleep at the same time. It's the physically getting back in bed I find a bit odd but each to their own

@Quartz2208 we go to my mums or pop in to town and do food shopping or go to the park. We still get out but isn't usually until about 1 if we are going out. We have bi folding doors which are always open and we sit out in the garden I'm not just glued to the bedroom.

Start calling him lazy when he wakes up from a full unbroken sleep.

Hmmm this.

I have a gap not too dissimilar. 18wks & 3.5yr old.
By 10am M-F I’m ready, coffee’d, with my makeup on for the day, baby ready for the day. Collect 3 yr old at 11:10am and bring her to soft play for a while, the park, out for lunch etc. Baby is ebf so I do all feeds including nights.

Maybe a couple afternoons a week is grand for a relaxing at home after nursery, but I’m not convinced I’d feel ok about your routine everyday. I have to admit I’d love if her pickup time was just an hour later, I’d feel I have time to do something more for myself ie. Fit in a decent walk, go grab a coffee or whatever.

Not lazy but it sounds far from an enjoyable life op.

you spend most of the day in bed.

what about fresh air, taking out your children, popping to shops, seeing a friend for coffee.

I recommend doing the school run

even when I was dead on my knees with a newborn, being forced to get up, dressed and shoving on my sunglasses to take elder to school - got me in a decent frame of mind. And then I’d go for a walk, coffee, perhaps a walk and coffee with a friend from school if we bumped in to each other

If I am reading this correctly, the toddler has been out at nursery all morning, then has lunch and a nap, and then is up and about with his / her mother all afternoon. Why does anyone think that this is bad for the toddler? You could fit more "activities" into the afternoon if you wanted to / felt like it, but a day split between nursery and home is just a nice day for a small child, surely?

I don't know what actually goes on at night but I have 7 / 8 hours sleep and feel rubbish without it. When I had fewer, regularly (with babies) I felt really rubbish all the time. Really just daily miserable. If the OP manages something like 5 hours at night (broken) and tops up with another couple in the day I would say that's just approaching trying to feel normal. I couldn't / didn't do that for various reasons but I would have loved to.
I know some people manage with less sleep but I hated it, I truly hated it. Why would you wish someone to feel that bad on a daily basis if they have a solution and don't have to? people talking about how things look really - which isn't fair

I only had to read the first line of your post to know you weren't lazy.

Also whats wrong with being a bit lazy anyway? Life isnt about making things as hard as possible for yourself. My baby is 6 months old and its not unusual for us to still be in bed at 10am, very rarely up before 9am. I dont see a problem with this!

Do you then go back to bed a couple of hours later, and then again a few hours after that?

It sounds to me that with baby number 3 you’ve learned to “sleep when the baby sleeps”. As others say it’ll change and that’s fine, you’re doing this right!!

My youngest is the same age and I struggle to tidy/ keep on top of washing atm so no you’re not lazy. However he won’t sleep on his own so is always strapped to me which stunts what I can get on with tbf (I can’t find a baby carrier that feels right on me).

you’re in survival mode, if it’s working keep going! Tell your husband if he wants an opinion he can do some night feeds and see how he feels.

I only had to read the first sentence to conclude no, you're not lazy.

No but I'm getting decent amount of sleep by staying in bed late. Were I to have another child and had to be up earlier, I can imagine having a lie down at nap time if I was tired

Why aren't partners/husband's happy when their wives are resting?
I just don't get it. If my husband had had a terrible night and a long day at work I would send him to bed to rest, not accuse him of being lazy and he would do the same to me. Because we care about each others mental and physical health!
He used to be relieved if he came home from work and I was sleeping when the baby slept when I had a newborn and would be thrilled if my now three year old treated me to a nap.
Have you asked your other half why he doesn't feel this way and asked if he would prefer if you were run down leading to problems physically or mentally?
As others have said this is a phase enjoy it while you can and rest.

I'd be sticking the baby monitor on full volume under his pillow, then putting in industrial strength earplugs. If you still wake up & he doesn't just jab him in the kidneys repeatedly until he does and ask why he's still in bed at this time.

As for being so tired & groggy, have you checked it's not a physical reason? For example blood tests for Iron & Vitamin B & D levels and for Thyroid function. Your body has been though a lot and may be telling you something. Any one of those deficiencies & quite a few others could cause excessive fatigue. No harm ruling it out with a GP visit.

I used to nap every day when my toddler was at nursery and my baby was asleep. Kept me sane

Nothing wrong at all with being a bit lazy but I do think spending preschool years going nowhere is never good.

God this 100%!

My dh does the school run, and gets older 2 ready. I am up around 7ish-8, but usually as an extra pair of hands rather than solely getting them ready as such. The odd time when I do the school run, feel dead on my feet having to actually be ready and out so early, but always feel sooo refreshed once they’re dropped off.

OP, I’d suggest getting your dh to get the older kids ready in the mornings whilst you sleep on a bit. Then you won’t need to catch up on as much sleep during the day

I had a snooze on the sofa (after Neighbours) for about an hour every day when DD was little. Loved it.
I never used to go back to bed though.

I think you’re being a martyr about nighttimes. If he ‘doesn’t wake up’ then wake him, thrust baby at him and go back to bed.

Honestly though, it doesn’t sound great for the pre schooler. In my experience it’s highly unusual for a three year old to nap like that. I understand going back to bed in the mornings while three year old is at nursery but a second family nap being needed in the afternoon indicates something is going wrong somewhere. DH should do more at nights so you’re less tired then you can be up and around and out with the pre schooler and the baby in the afternoon.

What time does the three year old go to bed? If it’s later than 7ish then not napping may mean they go to bed earlier. I just don’t think it’s great for a theee year old to be carted off back to bed as a family after nursery, it’s not that long until she goes to school, and it’s just overall a bit of a strange sleep routine to be imprinting on her. Though I accept from reading other replies that I’m in the minority to think like this. Also, I would be utterly depressed if I spent large chunks of ever day festering in bed. It’s not good for your mental health surely? A bit more sleep at night with DH doing some feeds, plus a bit less bed in the day would be what I would aim for but that’s just my personal opinion.

Having three kids must be relentless and if I’m honest I really struggle to see why anyone chooses it, for precisely this reason - the exhaustion and being spread so thinly. If you need to spend large chunks of the day in bed with your kids then I really think things need reassessing. Your DH doing all the nursery runs etc is a big thing when you’re on maternity leave, so I don’t agree with piling on him but I do think he should absolutely be doing more at night. Playing devils advocate though, if he knows he has a day of work ahead and sees you lying in bed most of the day, he probably feels quite justified letting you crack on at night.

Sounds completely normal for someone who has a 12 week old.

Having said that I agree with everyone saying do the school run!

The kids are happy, you're happy, what's the issue?

In my experience, over-tired, over-stimulated children spend much of the afternoon pretty miserable/angry (and probably getting into trouble for being quite understandably miserable and angry!)

There's no point stressing yourself out just for the sake of not looking lazy 🤷‍♀️

Maybe I was weird but it doesn’t sound normal to me at all.