To not want a family of 4 coming to stay 2 weeks before baby is due?

[ReadytoShip]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my first, I am absolutely knackered as I'm not sleeping at night anymore due to PGP, severe back and hip pain, sciatica, weeing 11 x a night...you get the drift.

I'm finally due to go on maternity leave next Friday, I have a planned c section booked in for 02nd August. Due to work being so busy for both DH and I and DH having to oversee a new project in Europe over the last 6 weeks, plus the fact that the nursery has basically been a renovation job, we haven't really been able to get stuff ready for the baby.

My plan for when I go off on maternity leave is to start getting everything ready and also rest as I am just utterly exhausted now and feel unable to function most days.

BIL has now suggested that him, his wife and their 2 young children come to stay for 4 days from the 25th-28th July.

They are lovely, we've had them to stay a few times before but it is so full on with the 2 young children and it's me constantly running around, tidying up, putting things away, making up the bedrooms etc. I just cannot face doing that at the moment and the thought of having to give up 4 days to entertain them all, especially in the evenings when all I want to be doing is nesting and relaxing makes me want to weep.

I said this to DH and he agreed and basically said to BIL that due to all of the above, it just won't be possible to have them to stay so close to my due date.

BIL didn't react well (which is unlike him) he said that this is the second time they've holidayed in the area (we live in a touristy area) and not been able to stay with us and that I'm being 'a bit precious' he said they're trying not to take offence but it's seeming like we just don't want to have them to stay. Apparently he has huffily just texted DH to say they've booked an air b n b now for those days here.

For context, they came down at Easter but we had no kitchen as it had been knocked out and we were waiting for the new one to be installed, the house was a building site and it really wasn't very safe for 2 young children, plus, we had no kitchen! It was bad enough us having to deal with that for 3 weeks, let alone add anyone else into the mix too! To be fair they were understanding that time and again, just booked into an air b n b.

I now feel really guilty that they feel we don't want them staying here, we saw a lot of them at Easter even though they weren't staying here and obviously we'll try and see them as much as possible this time too, even if it's more DH and me.

AIBU and overly precious as suggested? I'm just honestly in so much pain, so irritable and snappy and I just can't deal with the thought of having guests, especially those with 2, boisterous young children a week before my c section.

Oh god every update of yours is worse than the previous!

I know you said your husband supports your decision this time but...
DH just doesn't really notice or care about the mess so I end up spending 3 days feeling on edge and fed up, tripping over things, having no room to sit down etc and I know DH won't do anything about it at all until the moment they're in the car and driving away as he says its rude to start clearing up when they're here, so if I want to keep on top of it whilst they're here, I have to do it.

does he know how you truly feeling about them staying? You’ve said a they are lovely but it doesn’t sound like they are. They are massive CF’s and have no concept of boundaries. When you didn’t have a child then ok it wasn’t great you doing all the work but I guess you could just get on with it. Now though when the baby is here you need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down and your DH needs to get on board. He cannot continue ignoring mess and dirt when the baby is born. It is just not fair on you. Everything will be left for you to do.

Also, I have genuinely never met a family as messy and untidy as my IL's. I definitely know where DH gets it from, he would honestly live in a pigsty if I wasn't around, he doesn't notice dirt and mess and he (like his DB and PIL) is a natural hoarder too so he would clog the house up with endless crap and clutter if left to his own devices. Whenever IL's come to stay they are horrendous, take over the entire kitchen, leave their pots/ pans/ washing up everywhere, not one surface or table in the kitchen is free from kids toys, ipads, drinks, food packets, bags and just general clutter. Towels are strewn all over the bathroom floors and the bathroom ends up getting drenched as BIL & SIL insist on bathing the kids every night and so water and bathbombs are thrown all over the bathroom. The hallway and living room are littered with toys, bags, coats, shoes etc etc.

Fuck that shit, the CFers are not only inviting themselves, but treating you like a free hotel with maid service. How dare they

Besides your guests shouldn’t be leaving behind a mountain of mess for you or DH to clean up. That’s rude.

I get what you say about wanting to keep tidy OP, you do have a true dilemma there. But why on earth would you run around panicking about unmade beds? Once they arrived, why didn't you just chuck some fresh sheets at them and leave them to get on with it? As you said, to them it's all family. So surely that means every adult for themselves.

"Yeah, BIL, you've caught us out. When we heard you were coming last time, we immediately ripped out our entire kitchen just so we didn't have to host you. This time, I'm planning to give birth that week to avoid hosting all of you." In your most sarcastic tone.

FFS What an entitled brat he's being acting like your home should be his for his holiday to save him money and effort.

Your BIL is a selfish man.

Also, I have genuinely never met a family as messy and untidy as my IL's. I definitely know where DH gets it from, he would honestly live in a pigsty if I wasn't around, he doesn't notice dirt and mess and he (like his DB and PIL) is a natural hoarder too so he would clog the house up with endless crap and clutter if left to his own devices. Whenever IL's come to stay they are horrendous, take over the entire kitchen, leave their pots/ pans/ washing up everywhere, not one surface or table in the kitchen is free from kids toys, ipads, drinks, food packets, bags and just general clutter. Towels are strewn all over the bathroom floors and the bathroom ends up getting drenched as BIL & SIL insist on bathing the kids every night and so water and bathbombs are thrown all over the bathroom. The hallway and living room are littered with toys, bags, coats, shoes etc etc.

They wouldn't be staying with me even if I was getting 10 glorious hours of sleep a night and didn't have to work! How selfish and disgusting they are to treat people's homes like that! And you!

No, it's not you!!

YANBU.

Your in laws sound like the guests from hell.

Anyone being CF enough to call me "precious" would not be staying in my home again.

You need to toughen up.

Do NOT text bossy sister in law.

OP, just giving you a heads up, your messy husband is going to lose his charm very quickly as being the house skivvy gets very old when you have a baby and a messy man child as a partner.

Airbnb is the way to go.

You need to assert yourself and what suits you.

Amazing how some people think the world revolves around their children, even around other people's children.

Start asserting yourself before it's too late.

Whenever IL's come to stay they are horrendous, take over the entire kitchen, leave their pots/ pans/ washing up everywhere, not one surface or table in the kitchen is free from kids toys, ipads, drinks, food packets, bags and just general clutter. Towels are strewn all over the bathroom floors and the bathroom ends up getting drenched as BIL & SIL insist on bathing the kids every night and so water and bathbombs are thrown all over the bathroom. The hallway and living room are littered with toys, bags, coats, shoes etc etc.

That is utterly disgusting.

I can't believe you have let them stay more than once.

The guy is an arse, unless he was just having a bad day and messages in a fit of pique.

You are about to drop for god’s sake! He needs a little bit of social awareness about what is and isn’t socially ok at this point.

Maybe next time he’ll try to stay again when you are having your bathrooms replaced!

YADNBU

Oh God, they sound awful. After your latest update I would never ever want to stay again, pregnant or not. Can you not explain this to your husband as you have to us? Does he not understand how stressful this is for you?

Quite frankly I would never have these people to stay, they can all stay at a hotel for every visit. They sound a bloody nightmare! Take care of yourself and your soon to arrive little one. Your DH needs to step up and agree that their mess is not your responsibility and tell them to stay elsewhere! Set precedent now or you will have many many years of this.

Blimey, op, they sound like terrible house guests!!! Who does that?

And your h thinks it's rude to tidy up after them while they're there, but doesn't think it's rude for them to take over your house? Hmm.

They are even worse guests then

Who does this in someone else's home -disgusting

@ReadytoShip

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy and the coming birth.

I'm joining in with the other posters who are saying how selfish your in-laws are and I'm also saying your husband should absolutely grow up as a partner, have your back where your in laws are concerned and get them to back off.

Even if you had a house the size of a mansion you should not be expected to host people who prioritise themselves over you, in your own home, who fancy a cheap holiday or because that's just how they are, and especially when you are so close to giving birth or in the time after birth that you decide should just be you, baby and your supportive husband.

I think you should have an open, frank and "come to Jesus" conversation with your husband about how you truly feel. Refer to your own posts here, which are very clear, plus the responses you've received here.

Time to put yourself and your baby first OP, and not be steamrolled by selfish people. 🌹

So what are you going to do, OP?

It's very clear that YANBU.

Nor can I…family or not, that is a disgraceful way to behave when you are a guest in someone else’s home.
I would be telling DH in no uncertain terms that his family will need to book air b&b from now on, as you are not putting up with their behaviour. And if he starts the “my family are like that” you tell him that your family are not and you find their behaviour rude and unacceptable. You are always happy to see them but they cannot stay in your home.
You have a new family now with your pre newborn and your husband. Start as you mean to go on.

I'm sorry to post again Op but having read your updates I couldn't help myself! If this is all true then you really, really need to woman up and put a stop to this. You need peace and a clean home for your baby and your DH's family sound appalling, they turn your home into a pit when they visit, don't ask to come in the first place and just think they can treat the place like a hotel.
Please get over the idea that they are family so they can get away with this, if you don't put a stop to this you'll be bloody sorry. I'd scream like a banshee at your DH until it entered his brain that this is not on.

You must be really tired OP, too tired to read what you yourself wrote.

"BIL didn't react well (which is unlike him) he said that this is the second time they've holidayed in the area (we live in a touristy area) and not been able to stay with us and that I'm being 'a bit precious' he said they're trying not to take offence but it's seeming like we just don't want to have them to stay. Apparently he has huffily just texted DH to say they've booked an air b n b now for those days here."

BIL is pissed because he wanted a free holiday, and instead he has to PAY! He's not 'visiting', he's 'holidaying'. Using his brother and SIL's home for his own comfort and enjoyment for FREE.

He "didn't react well (which is unlike him)" because his freeloading was thwarted, and it's unlike him because he usually gets his own way, doesn't he?

Personally, I'd never host his arse again, ever. And I'd be telling him upfront that no, I don't want to have them to stay because they're the worst fucking guests in the world (along with his parents), and maybe if he tidied up after himself and his family it's be a very tentative maybe, but in the interim can you just swivel? Seriously, try it on for size. You're very heavily pregnant and can put it down to 'hormones' later, but with the memory of his shocked little face as a memory to keep you warm. And hopefully give him a memory to dissuade him from inviting himself again.

I mean you can treat your own house how you want.

But even if you are messy as fuck, how mannerless/disrespectful do you have to be to take over someone else's home with your stuff, throw water about in their bathroom & leave towels on the floor?

That's basic stuff that kids learn not to do!

They really are taking the piss!

they kind of see our home as 'their home'

I'd put a stop to that fairly sharpish.

Tbh OP I'd make use of the pregnancy hormones and tell BIL to get fucked. Hope that helps xx

I would say no even without the pregnancy and building work. I'd rather they just stayed in an air bnb and we met up at times. BIL and SIL are entitled idiots and whether this is how the family are or not need to get a grip if they genuinely feel unwanted because you are about to give birth and didn't have a bloody kitchen.

As for going forward you do exactly what you've done here. You say no if it doesn't suit you, their pathetic responses are their problem, not yours.

When I had my older two DD I never said no and spent lots of time feeling guilty and rubbish for doing things I didn't want to do and also that didn't fit my DD's. 13 years later I have had another DD. I do exactly what suits us as a family, say no when I need to, turn my phone off for days when I'm tired and overwhelmed and I don't give a flying fig how anyone reacts or what they have to say. Best change I ever made!

Sounds like he keeps inviting himself. He can't expect it to be always convenient for you.

they kind of see our home as 'their home' so think nothing of making themselves right at home and behaving exactly as they would in their own home

Well, it’s not, is it. They sound bloody awful.

Of COURSE you are not unreasonable and they can’t just invite themselves any time they feel like it. Your DH must be on your side on this.