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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a family of 4 coming to stay 2 weeks before baby is due?

209 replies

ReadytoShip · 05/07/2022 11:29

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my first, I am absolutely knackered as I'm not sleeping at night anymore due to PGP, severe back and hip pain, sciatica, weeing 11 x a night...you get the drift.

I'm finally due to go on maternity leave next Friday, I have a planned c section booked in for 02nd August. Due to work being so busy for both DH and I and DH having to oversee a new project in Europe over the last 6 weeks, plus the fact that the nursery has basically been a renovation job, we haven't really been able to get stuff ready for the baby.

My plan for when I go off on maternity leave is to start getting everything ready and also rest as I am just utterly exhausted now and feel unable to function most days.

BIL has now suggested that him, his wife and their 2 young children come to stay for 4 days from the 25th-28th July.

They are lovely, we've had them to stay a few times before but it is so full on with the 2 young children and it's me constantly running around, tidying up, putting things away, making up the bedrooms etc. I just cannot face doing that at the moment and the thought of having to give up 4 days to entertain them all, especially in the evenings when all I want to be doing is nesting and relaxing makes me want to weep.

I said this to DH and he agreed and basically said to BIL that due to all of the above, it just won't be possible to have them to stay so close to my due date.

BIL didn't react well (which is unlike him) he said that this is the second time they've holidayed in the area (we live in a touristy area) and not been able to stay with us and that I'm being 'a bit precious' he said they're trying not to take offence but it's seeming like we just don't want to have them to stay. Apparently he has huffily just texted DH to say they've booked an air b n b now for those days here.

For context, they came down at Easter but we had no kitchen as it had been knocked out and we were waiting for the new one to be installed, the house was a building site and it really wasn't very safe for 2 young children, plus, we had no kitchen! It was bad enough us having to deal with that for 3 weeks, let alone add anyone else into the mix too! To be fair they were understanding that time and again, just booked into an air b n b.

I now feel really guilty that they feel we don't want them staying here, we saw a lot of them at Easter even though they weren't staying here and obviously we'll try and see them as much as possible this time too, even if it's more DH and me.

AIBU and overly precious as suggested? I'm just honestly in so much pain, so irritable and snappy and I just can't deal with the thought of having guests, especially those with 2, boisterous young children a week before my c section.

OP posts:
Provenceinthesummer · 05/07/2022 11:55

Hell no!!!

Your BIL doesn’t want to see you, and couldn’t care less about your exhaustion - he wants his FREE holiday!!

A perfect example of an entitled foul man

I’d reply
‘ of course we would love to see you but as the baby is about to arrive we can’t manage a family for a holiday here. It might be a good idea to research hotels in the area anyway, as I think it will be quite a while before we will be up to hosting over night stays again’

and watch them retreat into obscurity now their freebie has dried up

What an absolute CF!

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2022 11:55

It was fine for them to ask and fine for you to say no.

On second thoughts. No, really thoughtless to ask to stay.

To ask to pop in for a visit or meet out for a meal yes.

Provenceinthesummer · 05/07/2022 11:57

I’d never ever invite them again

HangOnToYourself · 05/07/2022 11:58

He is a CF who wants a free holiday. He isnt offended he is sulking because he has to pay. It's not your responsibility so provide free accommodation to anyone. What if baby arrives early ffs

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/07/2022 11:58

LividLaVidaLoca · 05/07/2022 11:32

Your BIL is insane, and you are insane for questioning yourself.

Tell him to get fucked and enjoy your nesting.

This

RebeccaCloud9 · 05/07/2022 11:59

Tell him they're welcome to stay if they do ALL the housework when there and basically wait on you hand and foot. "It is soooo kind of you to offer to come and help out at a time when it is so desperately needed, thank you sooo much! The nursery needs finishing too, so if that can be done before you leave please, thanks!"

You can bet what their reaction would be!

Original poster
ReadytoShip · 05/07/2022 11:59

To be fair, they do enjoy visiting as it's a great area in terms of things to do for children, BUT him and DH are very close, as a family in general they're very close (we have the same issue with PIL wanting to come and stay all the time too) so I do think they'd want to come anyway. They're just very claustrophobic (to me) as they really don't consider it a 'proper visit' unless we're altogether 24/7 and staying under the same roof, whereas I don't feel that way. If we see them everyday over 4/5 days then to be honest, that to me counts as proper 'family time' but BIL and PIL don't think like that. That's why they're kicking up a fuss I think because they genuinely think we don't want them staying with us and are offended, especially on behalf of their children.

I did wonder whether to message BIL's wife and just explain to her, but she is definitely the boss in that relationship and is much like BIL and PIL so I think, actually, it will be her pushing/ instigating them staying with us. She's very 'The world revolves around me and my 2 precious darlings' so I think she's offended on behalf of herself and her children. I may message her, just not sure she'll be anymore reasonable than BIL as if she'd have said 'don't be silly, Readytoship will be full term and knackered, we can't stay there' BIL will 100% not have suggested it.

OP posts:
cantley · 05/07/2022 11:59

BIL is a complete dick.
Who on earth wants to impose on a first time about to give birth mother ( literally
days away)?
I'll tell you: a selfish cheapskate who wants a free holiday in a tourist town.
Let him sulk in his Airbnb, put your feet up and rest.

KosherDill · 05/07/2022 12:06

They are mooching loons. Don't give in.

Irishfarmer · 05/07/2022 12:09

What a plank! I wonder what his wife thinks. I'm sure she would be more understanding. Well I'd hope she would anyway.

No YANBU at all!! I am 37 weeks pregnant and don't have as much going on as you do, I wouldn't like it. I had a family bbq over the weekend and DM + MIL worried that was too much for me. 1 day of entertaining and I was tired.

MumChats · 05/07/2022 12:10

I think your DH needs to say to BIL that they are more than welcome to stay at a time that suits both families not just him! It's not that you don't want him to visit, it's that visiting when you don't have a kitchen or are very heavily pregnant doesn't work. Then you address the "don't want them to stay" argument, but totally agree with posters saying he's after a freebie holiday not coming to see you anyway. If they're coming at Easter/summer are they planning around school hols in which case could DH put them off to October half term - this summer doesn't work for you due to the baby, but when your baby is a few months old might be a nice time to have family over. They probably won't be keen as it'll be colder and rainier then, but then DH can say BIL "is being a bit precious" about the weather and he hopes BIL visits to see family not just because he wants a cheap holiday in the area....

Georgeskitchen · 05/07/2022 12:14

A big fat no from me too
They're taking the piss big time

PennyPasta3 · 05/07/2022 12:14

Stay strong and put your needs first. I was booked in for a c-section and my happy little bundle decided to come the week before! Fortunately, as I was prepared for a section it was all very calm - but quick xx

Babies aren't an exact science - anything can happen. However, you can take the time for yourself to be as nested and relaxed as possible. Just the stress of the request is very unfair on you. Put an out of office on your phone & enjoy your maternity bubble with your husband xx

GrandRapids · 05/07/2022 12:17

He's an utter twat isn't he. So much selfishness and entitlement these days. Makes my fucking blood boil.

Personally I think your DH needs to put him straight. Last time you had no kitchen and now you're heavily pregnant. If your BIL can't (or won't) join the dots then fuck him.

Thehop · 05/07/2022 12:17

maslinpan · 05/07/2022 11:31

Your BIL is being completely thoughtless. But then he's never experienced pregnancy, so he can go boil his head.

I’d text him this and to help with the consequences

Hana89 · 05/07/2022 12:21

I get what you're saying about them being close as a family and perhaps that has contributed to BIL's skewed perspective, but there is no way you're being unreasonable, @ReadytoShip

Having 4 people come to stay is a big ask at any time and especially now. I don't think you need to message them to explain that - tone can be tricky to manage in text messages and if BIL and his wife are feeling a bit aggrieved they are more likely to read something into it that you are not intending. Perhaps just leave it for now, let them cool off.
If they are staying in an Air BnB will you meet up with them? If so, and if you can comfortably afford it, you could treat them to coffee and cake just as a nice gesture and to smooth any ruffled feathers, and maybe mention how lovely it is to see them and that you're sorry you weren't able to host.
If they're reasonable that will be the end of it.
If they are unreasonable and want to continue the conversation, you'll have to either be firm with your boundaries, or try to laugh it off - whichever feels more appropriate at the time.
Good luck, OP! And please don't devote too much time or energy to worrying about this! You have a little one on the way and far bigger and more exciting things to occupy your mind than BIL and his wife's AirBnB woes!!! xxx

SharpLily · 05/07/2022 12:22

Yeah, he's a dick. However I understand it can difficult with family connections and you don't want to feel you're causing trouble between your husband and his family, so you could consider using a little white lie as a way around it, such as telling BIL that your doctor has ordered complete bedrest and peace and quiet for the last few weeks of your pregnancy? Blaming someone else like a doctor lets you out of the equation nicely.

moose62 · 05/07/2022 12:22

Do you have any family that you can go and stay with to put your feet up! Then they can come and spend quality time with your DH!

ChubbyButt · 05/07/2022 12:25

I feel your pain OP. I'll be 38 weeks pregnant when my brother is turning up to visit in a few weeks time (arriving into the airport at 5.30am!!!).

BIL clearly just wants a free holiday - if he's still intending to come but book an AirBnB then this was never about seeing you. Otherwise he wouldn't be bothering to come at all when he knows it's not convenient for you.

DFOD · 05/07/2022 12:28

All of your ILs sound tedious and very enmeshed and entitled as a family. suspect that a new baby will be another opportunity for them to ramp it up further.

I would be listening harder to your own gut and boundaries and be ready to hold your own values and space firmly if this is your first as you may be vulnerable and they may overwhelm you.

You BIL and his wife are OOO. However you need to be sure that your own DH has your back.

Beelezebub · 05/07/2022 12:31

Tell him to fuck off, and - having 2 children already himself - he should damn well know that 38 weeks pregnant is fucking hard work having seen his wife be at that point twice.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/07/2022 12:31

Your DH's response to this should be "great, glad it all worked out". And leave it there

Apparently he has huffily just texted DH to say they've booked an air b n b now for those days here.

DogInATent · 05/07/2022 12:31

Don't feel guilty. You've made the right call and DH has backed you up on it. Leave it, and do not guilt yourself into trying to explain yourself to either BIL or SIL.

Blackberrybunnet · 05/07/2022 12:33

YANBU. Take to your bed. Say you're feeling unwell. Make DH do all the running around.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 05/07/2022 12:34

Do not text your SIL. There is absolutely no need for you to get involved, seeing as you fortunately have a husband who is not a wet blanket. It's his brother, he can deal with it. It's outrageous that your BIL thinks it acceptable to behave like this at any time, but particularly while you are heavily pregnant.

P.S. It is fine for you not to want a family of four, including two young children, staying with you at all, ever. We have two young children, I would never expect anyone to host us as they are full on, noisy, messy etc. in the way that most young children are. This may be a good opportunity for you and your DH to lay down some boundaries with your PIL as well. It's fine for them to all want to "be close" to one another, but they don't get to impose that on other people (you).