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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to clean her flippin' house and to.be annoyed that she asked.

411 replies

TexasTyson · 05/07/2022 02:24

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

OP posts:
dottymac · 05/07/2022 07:29

@MargotChateau While that's a lovely sentiment, unfortunately there will always be individuals that will take and take and never help you out in return. I love the idea of 'paying it forward' and I do alot for people, but sadly many people run for the hills when you need a little help so I've had to learn not just give help as freely any more because some people are simply users out for all they can get 🤷

LidlCinnamonBun · 05/07/2022 07:30

Send links to a local gardener and cleaning company

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 07:31

MargotChateau I find the English quite cold to be honest. My friends and I (from my home country) living in the U.K. are always there to help when needed and that community feeling that someone always has your back is such a cosy thing.

I'm Scottish and I would'nt do it either. This is not a bit of painting to help someone out of a tight spot but cleaning up after someone and doing their gardening to get their house ready to sell, which is really quite hard manual labour.

HollowTalk · 05/07/2022 07:31

Could you reply with something like "oh I know that will be a pain. I remember last year when I had to do it all on my own - I was exhausted. Never mind it'll soon be over!"

Paq · 05/07/2022 07:33

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/07/2022 07:25

I'd help out a friend normally if they asked but it would depend on the circumstances. When my exH left and I had to sell my house, move single handedly across the country and deal with all kinds of crap while seriously ill my friends were nowhere to be seen. I have new friends now who would do anything for me.

I'm sorry for what you have been through, so pleased you have good friends now!

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 05/07/2022 07:34

😆 just a CF, yep if you want help with those things you pay actual companies to do it. I mean I would actually be inclined to help a single friend who couldn't afford to throw money at it, but I assume she has a husband and could afford it if she wanted to.

I know someone who would do the same though, when she moved house (about 6 hours drive away) she put a post on fb asking people to help so she wanted someone to take 2 days off work load and unload both ends (2 vans full). We laughed our heads off but guess what, someone did it for "food and drink". Though no one bit for about 5 days. She is a bit earner so could have just paid a removals company, she was asking about 6 weeks in advance so not last min, she also has a partner too so not poor single woman!!

rookiemere · 05/07/2022 07:34

WulyJmpr · 05/07/2022 07:28

What are friends for? Apparently not this according to OP.

I have loads of good friends.
If they rang me in a state about getting their property ready, I'd be round like a shot. Strangely enough nobody ever has, because they're smart enough to know that paid professionals exist for this sort of thing, or you make time for it yourself.

Paq · 05/07/2022 07:34

HollowTalk · 05/07/2022 07:31

Could you reply with something like "oh I know that will be a pain. I remember last year when I had to do it all on my own - I was exhausted. Never mind it'll soon be over!"

I think this is the dictionary definition of passive aggressive.

Ohrwurm · 05/07/2022 07:34

If my best friend text me this, I'd actually make time to go help🤷🏼‍♀️ isn't that what friends are for?

And if your 'best mate' has form for this type of thing and not helping you in return (incase a drip feed comes), then she's not really a friend.

But from this text alone, Yabu

Harridance · 05/07/2022 07:37

Just reply saying cleaning and packing are 2 of your least favourite pastimes, but happy to eat and drink and provide great company!

KatherineJaneway · 05/07/2022 07:39

YABU. She's a friend asking for a favour for which you will get paid and get alcohol. I'd only be annoyed if you asked her for help when you moved and she said no for no good reason.

DuckBilledPlattyJoobs · 05/07/2022 07:39

Autienotnaughtie · 05/07/2022 03:30

She's asked for help and offered a treat in return. I don't see the issue? Just say your too busy.

You mentioned she didn't help you, did you ask for help?

A ‘treat’? Give over

Harridance · 05/07/2022 07:40

Favours for friends are fine but this is a pretty big one, it's not something I'd ask of a friend

ExtraOnion · 05/07/2022 07:42

100% Daily Mail Journo Clickbait … it will be in the paper within 48 hours:

“Woman incensed by friends request for help: what would you do?” .. plus several follow up articles

SoupDragon · 05/07/2022 07:43

TBH, I'd rather do this for a friend than do it to my own house. somehow it feels less like a chore 😂

PortalooSunset · 05/07/2022 07:43

I don't think there's anything wrong with her asking, but equally I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying no. But she doesn't sound like your "best friend" if you're that resentful of being asked.

SugarNspices · 05/07/2022 07:46

If my best mate or my sister who I'm really close to asked me this I would try to help her out as would they with me, so I wouldn't find this text cheeky off them. But I have friends that I'm not as close to & I would find it a bit cheeky to be honest so to me it all depends who asked. I wouldn't put it on MN though I just say no thanks.

ZenNudist · 05/07/2022 07:46

I'd send her a crying laughing emoji. Then ignore.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 05/07/2022 07:47

This is totally normal among my friends. We all help each other out at moving time, including sugar soaping walls, shifting boxes, painting walls etc. Many hands make slightly lighter work, and we are all happy to do it. If I wasn't happy to do it, I wouldn't though.

Provenceinthesummer · 05/07/2022 07:48

Its cheeky because she was happy to let op struggle a short time ago, and didn’t once offer ti help so it’s not a reciprocal arrangement when everyone helps others. It would just be op the mug scrubbing the loos for a drink she doesn’t like!

The wording is not an emergency I need help kind of message which might elicit a different response, but I want all this hard manual Labour done for free whilst I chill the Prosecco and make lunch - it’s CF territory for sure!

You either help each other and have that kind of friendship or you don’t, not just when it suits her!

i also think it is a mass message which only makes it worse

easyday · 05/07/2022 07:48

Some people do have friends who like to get stuck in and help sort things out, and I have actually heard that some people enjoy cleaning! I did have a couple friends offer to help me pack!
I would pay for this kind of help, but maybe you should take it as a compliment that she thinks you are better at keeping house and your own garden looks fabulous. She sounds like she thinks of you as a good friend, but by your reaction you aren't (not that you don't want to do it, I certainly wouldn't, but that you posted on here in such a way about it).

Flappyflaps · 05/07/2022 07:51

With what you’ve said It sounds like this friend takes you for granted that’s why it’s hit a nerve with you so don’t feel guilty about saying you are too busy and good luck etc

Flappyflaps · 05/07/2022 07:53

Most of us have friends like this, we have those that we would drop everything for cos we know they genuinely would do the same then we have those that wouldn’t

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 05/07/2022 07:54

Just say No!

You clearly feel that your friend is taking advantage of you, so perhaps it is time to stand up 4 yourself

Eeksteek · 05/07/2022 07:54

I’m very uncomfortable with this sort of thing. Although we did it as a family all the time, with big garden projects and stuff. I just don’t have the relationships with people where I feel comfortable asking for their free time for my chores. (Probably because mine is so strained)

My compromise (because no man is an island and all that) is to mention the problem and if people offer to help, snatch their hands off. I don’t like turning people down myself, (probably because I know how desperate I have to be ask) because it doesn’t make them a bad friend if they don’t won’t to work for me in their free time, so I prefer not to put them in that position.