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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to clean her flippin' house and to.be annoyed that she asked.

411 replies

TexasTyson · 05/07/2022 02:24

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

OP posts:
Fulbe · 08/07/2022 03:02

@DontTalkToMe I completely agree, it's horrible to think that people might think this behind my back if I needed to ask for help

DontTalkToMe · 08/07/2022 04:50

Fulbe · 08/07/2022 03:02

@DontTalkToMe I completely agree, it's horrible to think that people might think this behind my back if I needed to ask for help

Glad I'm not alone, definitely doesn't align with the values I try and teach my daughter.

Pinkclouds80 · 08/07/2022 06:08

It’s very cheeky and that also looks like a text that’s been sent to multiple recipients.

I was the childless friend for years and this would have touched a nerve for me too (and personally wouldn’t entertain asking for this kind of help now I have two small kids, unless I was desperate in which case I would say so, I wouldn’t make light of it like this!).

Don’t give it any more mental energy - just brush it off and enjoy your life!

Foodylicious · 08/07/2022 06:28

It reads to me like a generic paragraph she has put together and sent out to a few/lots of people.
I don't thibk she is asking you specifically to give up all free time, or to help with all those tasks, but to reply with what you can do if you can help.
So my reply would have been "I've got a free afternoon Saturday after next, happy to come over for a cuppa and help with a bit of organising/packing"
Or if I really didn't have time/inclination "sorry the next few weeks is really full on for me, let me know when you have a date though and I might be able to help with the move, good luck"

I don't think she's been unreasonable in asking.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 08/07/2022 06:41

I honestly don’t see the issue? Surely this is a perfectly normal thing to ask of a best friend?
We had to move recently, no money for a moving company and there’s only the two of us so we asked around to see if anyone was free and happy to help us.
I really don’t see how your friend is being cheeky!

Mariposa80 · 08/07/2022 06:52

Surely this is a perfectly normal thing to ask of a best friend

The friend is not asking for help with moving. In my eyes it's the equivalent of asking a friend to come clean my bathroom for me. Something you'd only ask a friend to do if severely incapacitated/exceptional circumstances. Wanting to sell your house isn't an exceptional circumstance.

SnowyLamb · 08/07/2022 07:01

Some friends are like this some aren't.

I know some people who never employ anyone. From moving house to decorating to gardening to replacing a fence, a group of friends will be mobilised and they'll have a "party" while they do it.

Usually it works both ways and they'll repay the favour, but it has to be said the attractive young women get a lot of help from middle aged men they're not in a position to reciprocate!

I hate feeling that I owe anyone anything so I wouldn't dream of asking, but I suspect they generally have happier lives.

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 07:36

Wow. You call her your best friend and then stew over the fact that she asks for help during a house move, one of the most stressful things you can do. She has kids, which makes it even more stressful.

If my best friend asked for help then I'd do what I could to help, especially as those photos need to be great to get her house sold. I may not spend whole days slaving away, but I would find at least some time in my hectic schedule to give her a hand with something.

If you are "stewing" at the fact that she asked her best friend for help then maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with her.

YABU.

KosherDill · 08/07/2022 07:39

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 07:36

Wow. You call her your best friend and then stew over the fact that she asks for help during a house move, one of the most stressful things you can do. She has kids, which makes it even more stressful.

If my best friend asked for help then I'd do what I could to help, especially as those photos need to be great to get her house sold. I may not spend whole days slaving away, but I would find at least some time in my hectic schedule to give her a hand with something.

If you are "stewing" at the fact that she asked her best friend for help then maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with her.

YABU.

It's not a house move. The property isn't even on the market yet. That's the point. The lazy git wants others to do her housework.

Notwiththebullshizz · 08/07/2022 07:46

I really shocked at some of the answers given on here. I think you're totally being a selfish cow (as you put it). You said she was your best friend and you're on here complaining about her asking for help??

I have 2 very best friends we all have kids and when we have moved houses we all take it in turns to hold onto kids so other goes to help with cleaning, boxing up etc etc. I'd never expect to be paid for helping a friend out.

Sorry but I think you sound selfish and not like a good friend at all

Tonkerbea · 08/07/2022 10:10

It all hinges on the reciprocity if the friendship.

Those of you who would gladly help, are basing this on heathy friendships where there is mutual support.

Those who think it's cheeky, and I agree the list of jobs and lack of specifity nudges this almost into CF territory, probably are viewing through the lens of having friends who readily ask for help, but are not so quick with offers of help.

Theoneinthemiddle · 08/07/2022 10:22

I do lots of favours for friends and I find they offer help back. Some people really struggle with cleaning and feel overwhelmed. But your life, your choice

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 11:07

I understood that. Hence my statement of "those photos need to be great to get the house sold". It's the first step of a house move and is stressful in itself as photos will be on Rightmove etc for everyone interested to judge and will determine who views the house and the number of viewings etc.

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 11:08

KosherDill · 08/07/2022 07:39

It's not a house move. The property isn't even on the market yet. That's the point. The lazy git wants others to do her housework.

Show quote history

I understood that. Hence my statement of "those photos need to be great to get the house sold". It's the first step of a house move and is stressful in itself as photos will be on Rightmove etc for everyone interested to judge and will determine who views the house and the number of viewings etc.

cofingalthetime · 08/07/2022 11:13

I think it's pretty cheeky - I've moved 4 times, as a single parent with 2 kids over the years. I never asked for help. One lovely friend offered to come over, and she spent about an hour helping me sort out dd's room, and then she stayed for dinner. I wouldnt expect or ask friends to help. I wish I did have friends who would help though as it's really hard on your own. And people I found are quite precious about their 'spare' time - rightly so, we all have so little of it. I do wish I had had a couple of friends who would get stuck in and help me, but understand that people just don't have the time - we are all working, weekends are precious, we all have kids etc etc etc.

CecilyP · 08/07/2022 11:45

Wow. You call her your best friend and then stew over the fact that she asks for help during a house move, one of the most stressful things you can do. She has kids, which makes it even more stressful.

Wow, another one who can't read! It's not a house move! Her house isn't even on the market yet. She is just wanting to help to make her house market ready. There would be no stress if she had kept on top of her housework and gardening on a regular basis.

CecilyP · 08/07/2022 11:48

I do lots of favours for friends and I find they offer help back. Some people really struggle with cleaning and feel overwhelmed. But your life, your choice

Perhaps OP is one of these people. Perhaps she finds her own housework more than enough, so doesn't want to drive 45 minutes to help a friend with hers.

CecilyP · 08/07/2022 11:52

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 11:07

I understood that. Hence my statement of "those photos need to be great to get the house sold". It's the first step of a house move and is stressful in itself as photos will be on Rightmove etc for everyone interested to judge and will determine who views the house and the number of viewings etc.

Oh well, if the house is a mess and the photos are rubbish, then she won't have to endure the stress of moving!

Meraas · 08/07/2022 12:20

Think I would prefer to clean my own house rather than cook lunch for people as payment for cleaning mine.

Knowing me, I would feel pressure to lay on a buffet Blush

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2022 13:38

Theoneinthemiddle · 08/07/2022 10:22

I do lots of favours for friends and I find they offer help back. Some people really struggle with cleaning and feel overwhelmed. But your life, your choice

I'll be your friend. Can you come and do my house? It needs gutting from top to bottom.

kateandme · 08/07/2022 13:40

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 11:08

I understood that. Hence my statement of "those photos need to be great to get the house sold". It's the first step of a house move and is stressful in itself as photos will be on Rightmove etc for everyone interested to judge and will determine who views the house and the number of viewings etc.

Show quote history

Totally with you.i can't understand some of the "friends" on this thread.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/07/2022 17:39

Did everyone miss the bit where OP enumerated some of the favours she's done this friend over the years? She does help out her friend in need (for, by the sound of it, precious little reciprocation - but as some have said, who's counting?). It's fair enough to draw a line. Additionally I do wonder whether I'm reading a different Whatsapp message to some posters as it reads most awfully cheeky to me. To be fair to the friend, perhaps she's just worded it clumsily.

OP, I don't think you're a selfish cow, but everyone has the right to put themselves first once in a while. Unless you're greatly misrepresenting your relationship it sounds as though you consider others' needs to a reasonable extent already, and if your friend had asked for something less... wide-ranging... and not threatened you with the dreaded bubbles you would have been happy to lend a hand!

KosherDill · 08/07/2022 21:30

phoenix72 · 08/07/2022 11:07

I understood that. Hence my statement of "those photos need to be great to get the house sold". It's the first step of a house move and is stressful in itself as photos will be on Rightmove etc for everyone interested to judge and will determine who views the house and the number of viewings etc.

If the photos need to be great, then the homeowners better get to work. Or hire professionals. Absurd to ask people to drive 45 minutes to do housework.

billy1966 · 08/07/2022 21:40

Anniegetyourgun · 08/07/2022 17:39

Did everyone miss the bit where OP enumerated some of the favours she's done this friend over the years? She does help out her friend in need (for, by the sound of it, precious little reciprocation - but as some have said, who's counting?). It's fair enough to draw a line. Additionally I do wonder whether I'm reading a different Whatsapp message to some posters as it reads most awfully cheeky to me. To be fair to the friend, perhaps she's just worded it clumsily.

OP, I don't think you're a selfish cow, but everyone has the right to put themselves first once in a while. Unless you're greatly misrepresenting your relationship it sounds as though you consider others' needs to a reasonable extent already, and if your friend had asked for something less... wide-ranging... and not threatened you with the dreaded bubbles you would have been happy to lend a hand!

Apparently so!

The OP has been a great friend to a CF...lots of CF's on MN!

I have wonderful friends, real long term friends of decades...

They wouldn't dream of embarrassing themselves with such an utterly crass request.

The OP is a great woman whom has read this 100% correctly.

TheUnexpectedPickle · 09/07/2022 16:02

billy1966 · 08/07/2022 21:40

Apparently so!

The OP has been a great friend to a CF...lots of CF's on MN!

I have wonderful friends, real long term friends of decades...

They wouldn't dream of embarrassing themselves with such an utterly crass request.

The OP is a great woman whom has read this 100% correctly.

Show quote history

Thank you to both of you.

I do consider myself to be a good friend and I will definitely help on moving day or if they need help with a specific task. Its the general "come and spend your free time doing up our house for a few weeks" that I'm not on board with.

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