To not want to clean her flippin' house and to.be annoyed that she asked.

[TexasTyson]

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

You can say no, but don’t expect much in the way of emotional support next time you need it. I used to help a friend with her cleaning (too long a story as to why) and we’d have a laugh and a chat, then she’d get us a takeaway and a few drinks for the evening. Then when I moved she helped me a lot.

She’s not asking you for a kidney. Just a day spent helping out. You can’t spare one day in your oh so busy life?

Could you reply with something like "oh I know that will be a pain. I remember last year when I had to do it all on my own - I was exhausted. Never mind it'll soon be over!"

Perfect response; what an absolute CF she is! I think if you had been chatting about it and it had come up in conversation, it wouldn’t have been so bad, but sending a text makes it sound more like a business transaction. Ands what business pays in food and bubbles?

Years ago, DH was drawn into this kind of thing a couple of times; it was definitely a one way street!

Do you have kids/ jobs?

If you do not fancy it (I would not unless it was a really close friend and I thought she might struggle), just reply saying sorry-busy at the mo.

She searching for free labour and probably sent that message to a couple of friends 'can you help clear the shed', 'tidy the garden', shampoo the carpet, etc etc

she is a user. Some are like this, tell her you are working, busy, washing your hair, anything and don't buy into her free labour.

A former 'friend' did this to various 'friends' and neighbours and like idiots all mucked in and she stood around directing then when off to have hair done whilst others slogging away for her. Should have seen it coming because she is a user for many things.

Avoid her

I find that quite odd, TBH. I moved a year ago and it didn't even cross my mind to ask friends to help me clean the house beforehand.
In fact I booked cleaners to do a moving out clean (they let me down but thst's another story) so DH, DC and I did it.
I've never been asked to help with actual cleaning for friends either, although I havea helped in other ways (mind the cat, take kids off their hands on moving day, stuff like that)

For me, it’s the long list of jobs that slides into the cf category,

”gardening, cleaning, packing or anything…”.

Wouldn’t be so bad if they focussed on one thing, ie painting party or gardening, but it’s the way she’s listed the whole house. And it’s quite a vague request in terms of timeline. Would be better to say that ‘I’m selling my house, garden looks scruffy, please come along, if you’re free, on xxx date to help prune and tidy, followed by pizza and Prosecco…”

What good friend requires actual physical labour in exchange for "emotional support"?

Thats just what friends do. It can be provided easily, over the phone. I'm sure the OP has also provided her with emotional support, simply due to being her friend. Friends by the nature of their existence, provide various levels of emotional support by expanding our social network.

One is quantifiable in cash ie you commonly pay professionals to do it, the other can also be provided by professionals but when it isn't, is unquantifiable in cash.

" Ha HA! Spare time.... what's that? I'm still recovering from my own move! 🤣🤣"

Sort of torn OP.
Your friend has asked you for a couple of favours, and you also acknowledge that she has been emotionally supportive.
Is the root of the issue is that you think your friend thinks your time is more up for grabs because you don’t have kids and you feel disrespected somewhat?
A day helping someone out isn’t that big a sacrifice. But I don’t think saying no it’s that big a deal either. So if you don’t want to don’t but as someone else said don’t keeping stewing over it.
Emotional support isn’t to be taken for granted, don’t do or anything rash that would rob you of q friendship. Been there, done that, regret it.

I so agree!

She's your best mate, surely you can ask your best mate for help. Did you ask her for help? Just say no but sometimes people get themselves stuck and need to ask for help.

I'll be in a similar position and honestly if I actually reached out to a RL friend and let them see how erm imperfect my house is I'd have to really trust and value them, and I'd probably offer baking as payment, so maybe be honored 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don't even let my mum help

Dont go posting next week when you see that there were loads of people there basically having a party. These things usually end up as a few hours work, a few drinks and then a chilled evening with takeaway.

This.

I don't know where the saintly MN'ers get the time from to spend days sugar soaping walls and decorating in exchange for a few slices of pizza and some Tesco prosecco... but back in the real world most people find it a squeeze to fit in their own spring cleaning and decorating, let alone someone else's.
I'd be polite to the cheeky friend though. A simple "Sorry, I have a lot on and just haven't got time to do that."
I wonder when the friend last offered to come round to tidy Op's garden and help with housework?

Whether she is being a total cf depends entirely on how the relationship generally works, their shared history etc. It's hard to say from this post alone. There can be a tendency for some people to think that women's time is a free for all, to be carved up according to the needs of others. So if the friend is someone who frequently expects the OP to give up her time, then I can see why the OP is reluctant.

I don't think the English are cold, but this just isn't our cultural norm. Maybe self sufficient would be a better description? Most people I know would think that taking responsibility for the cleanliness of your own house is a basic part of adulting and not something you should be asking other adults to do for you (barring emergency situations).

I am laughing out loud and folks on here thinking it’s a perfectly reasonable request. I have never asked a friend to pop round and clean my house, do the gardening and start packing my stuff. Never. We don’t do deals when it comes to friendships, emotional support or otherwise doesn’t come with an expectation. Now if the friend said would you be able to pop round an help me with abc that is different. The party and platter story suggests this woman sees OP as someone she can bully around and get her to do the donkey work. Expecting a grown woman to bring food platter to her DC party and to stay to the end and clean up and take the platters back. She is treating her like hired help that she offers a bit of emotional support in return to keep her sweet

Just say No if you don't want to.

I had friends come and help me scrub a house I'd bought that turned out to be filthy. I also had a Garden(ing) party where everyone brought a plant (could be just a cutting from their own garden) and planted them in the bed I'd already prepared.

I would be happy to do the same but if you don't want to don't do it. Simple.

We had all (separately) moved to a city away from family and anyway, what 25 year old wants to ask for help from dad?

Am I missing something? What's wrong with asking your dad for help at the age of 25?

DH is in his thirties and his brother is in his late forties - they still ask their dad for help with stuff around the house! And FIL is more than happy to help out when he can - isn't what family is all about?

I offer emotional support to my friends without expecting them to clean my house in return

I really agree with this and was going to post similarly. YANBU, OP.

I have a friend who has a friendship group that seem to do this kind of thing. She and her husband renovate houses and she has had friends muck in with all sorts of labouring, garden clearance etc. I have no idea if they reciprocate - perhaps not if the friends don't need it. I live far enough away (and am useless enough) not to be asked. I wouldn't want to be asked. But I can see that in the right circumstances it's a good idea. If all friends at similar life stage and there is reciprocity and it is treated like a day where they hang out but also get stuff done.

Among my friend group we would always help each other out like this but as you say she didn't help you when you moved last year so just make an excuse if you don't want to.

I’d help someone pack if they need help but no way would I go and clean someone’s house for them, unless they had a physical reason they couldn’t, were alone and couldn’t afford a cleaner, and I’m really surprised folks think it’s totally reasonable to ask someone to clean your gaff.

some proper cf who would ask their mates to clean their house for them. No wonder so many lonely folks without good friends, you don’t ask your friend to clean your house for you,