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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to clean her flippin' house and to.be annoyed that she asked.

411 replies

TexasTyson · 05/07/2022 02:24

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

OP posts:
onelittlefrog · 05/07/2022 06:58

I think it's a reasonable request but badly worded.

She should have said it would be doing her a huge favour and she would really appreciate it, or said if she's struggling to manage it on her own for some reason/ can't afford to pay people to come and do it.

The way it's phrased it does sound a bit like it's expected of you as a friend, which is a little cheeky.

Stag82 · 05/07/2022 07:00

I like helping people and will be quite happy to do this for one of my good friends. I helped my best friend paint her fence over a few sittings and she made me lunch. I had good company so enjoyed it!

I have local friends (as in 2 mins walk) and we often help feed / walk each other’s pets or pop round to water vege patches. I love having friendships like that.

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 07:00

Holly60 OP seems incensed that her BEST FRIEND has forthrightly asked her if she can help her.

She doesn't need help though - this is not some crisis where someone is ill and and she genuinely needs assistance or a genuine crisis where a friend could be asked to help out if they have time in their own life. This is something she can't be bothered doing herself and which will increase the value/saleability of her home, on the assumption that the OP has nothing better to do with her spare time.

OP - I think you should actually go along, just to see what is involved, especially how much gardening is required. And then sit with you feet up, saying "Oooh yes, you'll need to do a bit of weeding there, better get your back into it" or "Gosh, that cooker really needs cleaning, have you thought of getting a specialist cleaner into do it"! Maybe pick up a trowel and dig out a couple of weeds. Then swan out again, having "helped". Grin

OTOH if you're a complete mug, you can trot round, spend all day in the garden weeding and mowing and planting flowers, while she and her husband get lunch ready, then go again the following weekend to clean her house for her...omg seriously?

Holly60 · 05/07/2022 07:00

onelittlefrog · 05/07/2022 06:58

I think it's a reasonable request but badly worded.

She should have said it would be doing her a huge favour and she would really appreciate it, or said if she's struggling to manage it on her own for some reason/ can't afford to pay people to come and do it.

The way it's phrased it does sound a bit like it's expected of you as a friend, which is a little cheeky.

I read it more as bright and breezy so OP wouldn't feel bad if she said no.

If you phrase it as you have done, it's much harder for the other person to say no!

galvanizethis · 05/07/2022 07:01

I'm not sure why but I think it's the cleaning bit that I find a bit cheeky. Help with packing and gardening seems like a fair request from a friend, especially if they were a good friend, I'd enjoy helping out.
In some countries, everyone pitches in when you move (packing and moving boxes, hiring the van and driving). You then provide beer and pizza or something similar afterwards.

ladydoris · 05/07/2022 07:04

Just say no. It's fine. She will be fine, you will be fine and your friendship will be dine. Don not give explanations though.

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 07:04

Stag82 · 05/07/2022 07:00

I like helping people and will be quite happy to do this for one of my good friends. I helped my best friend paint her fence over a few sittings and she made me lunch. I had good company so enjoyed it!

I have local friends (as in 2 mins walk) and we often help feed / walk each other’s pets or pop round to water vege patches. I love having friendships like that.

But thats a sort of fun, easy thing to do and a mutual exchange of looking after pets while you're on holiday, not preparing someone's entire house for market and doing the entire garden and cleaning that they could have done themselves! Helping with packing for the move is the only part of the request thats remotely acceptable. But that would surely be after the house is under offer, so it seems that the cheeky friend is planning on this being quite a long term, ongoing thing!

Holly60 · 05/07/2022 07:04

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 07:00

Holly60 OP seems incensed that her BEST FRIEND has forthrightly asked her if she can help her.

She doesn't need help though - this is not some crisis where someone is ill and and she genuinely needs assistance or a genuine crisis where a friend could be asked to help out if they have time in their own life. This is something she can't be bothered doing herself and which will increase the value/saleability of her home, on the assumption that the OP has nothing better to do with her spare time.

OP - I think you should actually go along, just to see what is involved, especially how much gardening is required. And then sit with you feet up, saying "Oooh yes, you'll need to do a bit of weeding there, better get your back into it" or "Gosh, that cooker really needs cleaning, have you thought of getting a specialist cleaner into do it"! Maybe pick up a trowel and dig out a couple of weeds. Then swan out again, having "helped". Grin

OTOH if you're a complete mug, you can trot round, spend all day in the garden weeding and mowing and planting flowers, while she and her husband get lunch ready, then go again the following weekend to clean her house for her...omg seriously?

No she doesn't need to help. But I don't think her friend has done anything particularly wrong in asking a woman that she thinks is her best friend for help.

OP seems to have a problem with the mere fact she has asked her for help, which is confusing to me.

I also didn't read this as the friend saying she wasn't going to be working too. I kind of read it as, we'll all muck in together, you can do as much or as little as works for you and I'll make you lunch and have some drinks.

But maybe I'm seeing this through the lens of my friendships which are very equal and lovely.

foxy86 · 05/07/2022 07:05

I think it’s odd she is asking you to get her house photo ready. Helping her move yes, it’s a nasty and hard job and hated by many which is why all the help you can get is appreciated. However helping someone get their house decent enough to sell is not your prob or anyone else’s. If you want to help and can’t be arsed to clean, pack, garden redecorate etc then can you offer to take things to the tip or charity shop for her? Don’t be dictated to what you help with but may be offer what you can.

Tumbleweed101 · 05/07/2022 07:06

I don't see the issue. My close friends and I help eachother with this kind of thing and it can be fun and a chance to hang out and chat.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/07/2022 07:09

I remember my mum asking me if I could come and help get her house in order while she was off work. I was 28 weeks pregnant. I needed to get my own home in order before baby came. Asked why younger sister (17) couldn't said oh she's doing her bedroom ok.

I did have family help pack when I moved. It was needed when I left my ex.😉 I did the cleaning.

It costs about £150 for a whole house clean where I live.

dottymac · 05/07/2022 07:09

I notice there is no sign of the word 'please'. That is infuriating 😡 I have noticed a pattern lately - c.fs asking me to help them out with all sorts and not a please or thank you to be found. It shows they really don't value your time and just expect everyone to do their crap for them. NO. Just NO.

pictish · 05/07/2022 07:11

Depends of the relationship and in particular the reciprocity. If she has form for going out of her way to help others then I think it’s a reasonable request…but if she’s not a mucker-inner herself then I’d leave her to do her own bloody garden.

I hate housework and domestic toil. It would have to be a very special friend if I would give up free time to do someone else’s. If I couldn’t imagine that friend doing the same for me, they could go sing.

Celeryfavour · 05/07/2022 07:11

It's a mass text, it's not just to you.

EvergreenForest · 05/07/2022 07:15

I really can't see why you're so worked up about this? I imagine she sent this text to a few friends rather than singling you out as having 'nothing better to do'.

She is asking for some help-you say she has absolutely been there for you emotionally and can't fault that. You also say she didn't help you move...but equally you didn't ask!

So if you sent a similar text to her, would she try and help you? This is surely the basis for any good friendship?

To also coin a Mn phrase-it's an invite (of sorts!!) not a summons-if you don't want to help just say you don't have time and wish her well

Stewing over it seems a massive over reaction to me.

Somethingneedstochange · 05/07/2022 07:16

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 07:00

Holly60 OP seems incensed that her BEST FRIEND has forthrightly asked her if she can help her.

She doesn't need help though - this is not some crisis where someone is ill and and she genuinely needs assistance or a genuine crisis where a friend could be asked to help out if they have time in their own life. This is something she can't be bothered doing herself and which will increase the value/saleability of her home, on the assumption that the OP has nothing better to do with her spare time.

OP - I think you should actually go along, just to see what is involved, especially how much gardening is required. And then sit with you feet up, saying "Oooh yes, you'll need to do a bit of weeding there, better get your back into it" or "Gosh, that cooker really needs cleaning, have you thought of getting a specialist cleaner into do it"! Maybe pick up a trowel and dig out a couple of weeds. Then swan out again, having "helped". Grin

OTOH if you're a complete mug, you can trot round, spend all day in the garden weeding and mowing and planting flowers, while she and her husband get lunch ready, then go again the following weekend to clean her house for her...omg seriously?

😂😂😂

Bbq1 · 05/07/2022 07:18

TexasTyson · 05/07/2022 02:24

Best mate sent me a WhatsApp 2 days ago...

Hay darling! We are putting the house on the market ASAP if you have any spare time in the next few weeks to come and doing some gardening, cleaning, packing or anything to get this house looking good for the photos I would be so very grateful! And pay you in lunch and bubbles! Xxx

I've been stewing over it. Why the hell would I want to come and clean her house and do her garden!?

Are cleaners and gardeners usually paid in "lunch and bubbles"!? I don't even drink bubbles, I don't like the sensation and I never have.

Where is all this spare time coming from? And why would I not have my own stuff to fill it with? Like, for example, my own life admin. Or even just relaxing after a stressful few days at work!

It just feels like another case of "she has no kids so she must have loads of time and must want to help us" to be honest.

I moved last year and she didn't help me at all!!

I can't tell if I'm being a selfish cow... AIBU?

Are you sure that the message was meant for you? She could have been texting someone else but accidentally asked you instead.

Fairyliz · 05/07/2022 07:18

TheUnexpectedPickle · 05/07/2022 04:03

She's there for me on an emotional level. She is very supportive and I can't fault her on that.

It's just this assumption that I have the time or inclination to do this kind of thing. I don't on either count!

My response so far was "oh wow, how exciting, have you found a house?"

Show quote history

So she helps you on an emotional level? Tbh I’d rather do some cleaning much easier.
What happens next time you need emotional support and she is too busy?

maddening · 05/07/2022 07:19

Say you have no free time and point her to a cleaning agency.

MargotChateau · 05/07/2022 07:24

I’m from abroad, living in the U.K. and in my country we all do this. You request some help, everyone pitches in and you get the job done quickly and for free - this is then reciprocated when you need some help. I recently repainted someone’s kitchen when they were getting ready to go home and had to rent out their house as they couldn’t sell it due to some issues with the property.
I find the English quite cold to be honest. My friends and I (from my home country) living in the U.K. are always there to help when needed and that community feeling that someone always has your back is such a cosy thing.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/07/2022 07:25

I'd help out a friend normally if they asked but it would depend on the circumstances. When my exH left and I had to sell my house, move single handedly across the country and deal with all kinds of crap while seriously ill my friends were nowhere to be seen. I have new friends now who would do anything for me.

rookiemere · 05/07/2022 07:27

What a cheeky mare.
I'd send her a response full of laughing emojis and say "Hi, I scarcely have time to clean my own house, never mind other peoples so that will be a hard pass. Will see if anyone can recommend a good cleaner for you though although she'll need paying in actual groats, not cheap plonk and a pizza."

WulyJmpr · 05/07/2022 07:28

What are friends for? Apparently not this according to OP.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/07/2022 07:29

Oh yes including the two friends who asked me to help clear their horrendously overgrown gardens. The gardens took me a week each to clear. Neither of them helped me out and haven't contacted me since I moved.

LisaSimpson77 · 05/07/2022 07:29

She's trying to be breezy and not too needy but the subtext would seem to be that she's feeling a little bit overwhelmed and would value help from her friends. If you don't want to help her then just tell her you're too busy. Personally I would go though. Either way, no need for drama, it's not a terrible thing to ask people close to you for help.