To say No to a stranger

[Myhousemyrules22]

Firstly, I know I am not being unreasonable, I just need a rant and a whinge.

My manager has asked me to house one of our new locums and has accused me of being racists and sexist for saying no. Their race is not amongst any of the reasons I'm refusing but I'm furious it's been insinuated.

I previously had a different locum stay with me. They stayed 2 weeks, only Monday to Friday. I'd already worked with the woman for a year, built up a great rapport and friendship and she asked me as a favour as she had some temporary transport issues.

The new locum I met at 9.30 this morning. He is looking for a long term room to let (6-12 months). He's already said something that makes me think he's not someone I would like to be more than civil colleagues with.

My male manager has accused me of being racists because this new locum is of BME origin. The fact is he is a strange man and as a woman living otherwise alone I wouldn't feel comfortable. This then led to me being told I'm sexist (because I've previously agreed to my female colleague stay).

My house is my home. Surely I get to decide who stays without being accused of bigotry.

I've read this and thought about it.

It's not enough. He should be sacked with immediate effect.

What he has done and what he has accused you of is so egregious that him keeping his position of authority is absolutely unacceptable. This was not a "mistake." That is exactly what I would be telling HR. I'd tell them to take their "deal" and shove it.

Why would the department be paying for your taxi home late at night? - if that’s the case they would need to do that for all colleagues working lates.

I’m aware it’s off point, I can understand the other 3 actions as they directly in relation to the complaint, not this one tho?

It's bribery, plan and simple. Throwing whatever they can at the problem in hopes it goes away.

Sounds reasonable so far, and I agree that HR will have worried about just how far you could take this, but I also agree that you should see how things go in the immediate future before accepting anything

It's just possible that someone like this could revert to type now he's done his little performance - possible too that any supporters he has could try to make things awkward for you, which could create further problems over something that's simply not your fault

What's your union rep's view?

They know that this is very, very serious incident that has occurred.

I would not be agreeing to working for him any longer.

He slandered, defamed, and tried to intimidate you to allow a man to stay with you in your home.

He called you ugly names when you said no.

The vagina statement is more of the same.

So offensive.

A less confident woman might have been coerced into this.

It is so shocking.

That list is a direct response to how seriously they realise this would be viewed.

An external review of how an incident so serious, in front of others, could occur, would not be unreasonable.

Do not agree to work with him again.

Get ACAS's advice.

Just to clarify the bit about him having "no idea what it's like to have a vagina", is this what was actually said, or a reference you made yourself to being a woman?

Because if it's the first then I'd agree with PPs that he's actually learned nothing

The key question is whether you can continue working for this manager, with you and he each knowing that he humiliated his own self by making a stupid mistake. In his mind and heart, you will be associated with that mistake and with his humiliation, even though it is his own damn fault and purely a result of his own very poor judgement and lack of good sense.

If he is professional enough to contain that humiliation as his own problem, learn from it, and move on, then it would be potentially OK. However, he sounds highly unprofessional in general (he gave you flowers wtf ??? 🙄) so I would have doubts about that.

I am pleased that the organisation at least took you seriously and is signalling that they take your side, but what they are actually doing about it does look like trying to mend fences on the cheap, so to speak.

In the medium to long term, it seems unlikely that you will be able to be happy or to have undamaged career prospects unless he goes elsewhere or you go elsewhere, at least into a different department if not a different organisation.

The fairest outcome, and probably the best outcome for the organisation, would be if he were to leave very soon (voluntarily or not). A next best could be if he were "managed out," or at least managed away from your department if they want to give him the chance to show he has learned from his mistakes. But if he remains your manager, then you may well be better off starting to look elsewhere, maybe not immediately, but probably rather soon, rather than wait for clear evidence as to whether your career progression is being derailed while you continue to work for this knucklehead manager.

I can't even believe he gave you flowers, as if you're his fucking jilted girlfriend. That alone is so unprofessional it's staggering.

Yea I’m not sure about the response really. As a knee jerk reaction it may seem nice for him to apologise with flowers, and them to offer you taxis home but I don’t think this gets to the root of the problem.

the vagina comment and flowers still screams loudly of him not understanding the gravity of what he has done and thinking that you are somehow so delicate with a vagina that he shouldn’t have asked you to house someone. He has misunderstood what his wife has tried to explain I reckon. Instead of accepting that a woman or any person can object to something without being defamed he is patting you down with something he wouldn’t do to a male employee in order to pacify you.

the taxi thing would make me so uncomfortable around the rest of my colleagues to be honest cos after a while they certainly will get pissed at you getting this special treatment and will gossip and moan about it behind your back every time you submit a claim. If your management changes then you have to have this whole fiasco explained to them over and over again never putting it to bed.

I think you need to make the focus all about a public and written apology , and the retraining for him with no reference to your genitals therein.

Or if your union rep really feels like a monetary compensation is deserved it needs to take the form of something one off so that you can move on and not forever be the office gossip

You are sSO NOT unreasonable

Ive been in almost the same situation. I was asked to temporarily house a new colleague whom I’d never met and his family. And from another culture. I said No.

However, I have offered to house a research associate and her family.

Difference is I’ve met her several times and were from similar cultural backgrounds.

It’s about what I’m comfortable with in my private space.

What a brilliant outcome!

Really pleased for you, OP. You've handled yourself really well.x.

Fundamentally, I don't for a second believe that a bollixing from his wife, and a WTF have you done?/you could be fired for this shit, will have changed who he is.

I think what he has done is so shocking and comes from such an ugly place that he is not for fixin'.

My extensive experience of misogynistic pricks, means that I don't believe he will change.

Most likely he's gotten a bad fright, will back off, lick his humiliated wounds and lay in the long grass waiting for an opportunity in the future, to even the score.

I have certainly seen this.

There is no way I would continue working for him.

I would make it abundantly clear on paper that such was the nature of his personal attack upon me, that I will never feel safe around him.

That I wouldn't trust him to not attempt to try an manage me out, which obviously would be grounds for constructive dismissal.

I think you need to note as much as possible on paper, and by reply get it acknowledged by them.

Have they sent their offer on paper?

Reply that whilst you appreciate the offer, you are deeply concerned for your safety and reputation around this man and will seek advice as to your future at the organisation.

He felt comfortable slandering, defaming and name calling you in front of colleagues because of what he wanted you to do in the privacy of your own home.

He is your manager, and he attempted to coercively control you.
This is a crime now.

You may think that the above is dramatic.

It is not.

A very dear friend of mine in her late 50's, working for a huge multinational was on speaker phone, being threatened by her boss if she did not take on the work load of her off sick colleague.
She started to cry as she explained that she was already covering for a mat leave colleague and simply couldn't do it as she was already working 10 hours straight a day.

She is no walkover.

Her husband was outside the door and recorded the latter part of the conversation as she was WFH.

The result has been a catastrophic shit show for her boss and she was on paid leave for 12 months before returning to work recently.

She has been assured categorically that he will never be involved with her again.

She has a lovely paper trail of his treatment of her but the tape is chilling.

They do not want this to go public.
Her HR director put his face in his hands when her husband played the recording for him, and told him that HE, her husband, believed it was a police matter, it was so serious.

This is only 18 months ago, and her excellent legal advice said that whilst she didn't know how far the police would realistically take it, it would be an absolute disaster for the company publicity wise if this was to reach the media that a senior member of management for 25 years was behaving this way.

Like the OP they too have done absolutely EVERYTHING to facilitate her return 6 months ago and so far so good.

Should have mentioned her 15 years as an exemplary employee.

Once again, I agree wholeheartedly with @billy1966 - Ive been thinking about this over the course of the day and I don't think I would ever feel comfortable working with him again. Given their response, they are obviously absolutely shitting it about what you plan to do - so you have quite a lot of leverage. Presumably you wish to carry on working there? I think I'd be looking for him to be moved out of your orbit now. However, I also think it might be worth you seeking some external advice beyond your union to understand just how much they have screwed up here and the potential consequences, so you have that knowledge in your back pocket as you negotiate?

Yes, I think theres a good case for saying this amounts to gross misconduct warranting summary dismissal. I've certainly heard of people being summarily dismissed for much less.

The fact that he needed it pointed out to him that this is wrong. It doesn't sound like he gets it yet, because he think his idiotic behaviour only affects people with vaginas. Because he thinks its all right to ask a man to do this, a man who might have similar concerns because it is idiotic.

Imagine the legal case if you had been coerced into housing this stranger and he attacked you in your own home. Stranger things happen. The NHS makes bad appointments all the time because it is short of staff.

The bigger question is why does the NHS have so many managers who can't follow basic procedures and common sense and who cause decent workers stress and/or to leave? I don't even work in the NHS but even I know of a local issue involving a manager who has gained power by getting all but his useless devotees to leave, mainly it is women who have left and he makes his sexist comments to patients now and thinks he can get away with it.

OP,
The optics of this couldn't be more shocking for any organisation.

You have dozens and dozens of posters telling you that this is unbelievable behaviour.

Do not allow this fxxker to ever feel he can exert any control over you again.

I'm with @Aquamarine1029 .....flowers?

WTF.....I would be telling him where to stick his flowers.

You do owe this man nicey, nicey little woman.

WTF.....I would be telling him where to stick his flowers.

I agree - it's rather patronising that he thinks a bunch or carnations (or whatever) will be enough to win you over after that bullying attempt.

And the "vagina" comment is a bliddy disgrace! I'd go back to HR about that TBH.

I'm not surprised his wife went down his neck - she knows EXACTLY how close he is to losing his job. And I'll bet if she heard that sexist "I don't know what it's like to have a vagina" she's kick his *rse again.

He's going from bad to worse, TBH. I don;t see how you can work with him again - ever.

You do NOT owe this man nicey, nicey woman.

Listen to billy1966, op.
This is not a "brilliant outcome!" at all. Yet...

He actually wrote that about not having a vagina?

The personal letter and flowers incident to HR. Completely inappropriate.

I don't know how politically savvy you are OP but they know how serious this is. I wouldn't be settling for these token ok be quiet now offerings.

You should at least be getting a pay rise and promotion out of this

Personally, I would be sliding right into his job while he was on his way out.
But I'm old and experienced by way of getting screwed over a couple times earlier in my career, before wising up.

This was a very satisfying thread to read.

So glad it's sorted OP. I just find it really strange that they didn't sort out accomodation for the locum prior to taking the job or to expect the locum to have done. Did he just show up to work with a suitcase and a hopeful smile?

Hmm, I don't think he's getting it either
I think he's just ticking the boxes to cover his arse