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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say No to a stranger

235 replies

Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 13:52

Firstly, I know I am not being unreasonable, I just need a rant and a whinge.

My manager has asked me to house one of our new locums and has accused me of being racists and sexist for saying no. Their race is not amongst any of the reasons I'm refusing but I'm furious it's been insinuated.

I previously had a different locum stay with me. They stayed 2 weeks, only Monday to Friday. I'd already worked with the woman for a year, built up a great rapport and friendship and she asked me as a favour as she had some temporary transport issues.

The new locum I met at 9.30 this morning. He is looking for a long term room to let (6-12 months). He's already said something that makes me think he's not someone I would like to be more than civil colleagues with.

My male manager has accused me of being racists because this new locum is of BME origin. The fact is he is a strange man and as a woman living otherwise alone I wouldn't feel comfortable. This then led to me being told I'm sexist (because I've previously agreed to my female colleague stay).

My house is my home. Surely I get to decide who stays without being accused of bigotry.

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 05/07/2022 06:08

Well done for taking action & Im glad your managers manager is taking it seriously.

Hopefully they'll manage his arse out!!

Musti · 05/07/2022 06:13

Wtf? It’s your home and you can decide who if anyone you host. And it’s bloody different having someone you know of the same sec that you get on with stay with you for a couple of weeks to having anyone stay for months! Especially someone who you don’t know and is the opposite sex.

tbf I wouldn’t have even my best friend stay with me for 6 months!

Original poster
Myhousemyrules22 · 05/07/2022 12:26

Oooook. So it's been an interesting morning.

Turns out manager went home and told his wife who has proper laid into him (they have two young teenage daughters). He's come in with flowers and a personal letter of apology that pretty much tells me how he's a dumb man who has no idea about how it is to have a vagina (he looks like he's been crying all night) and he's basically jumping through every hoop HR tell him to to keep his job including;

A formal written apology
A statement to the department
He has to undergo some in-house diversity training, something about bullying as well as an out of house program in management.

I'm getting
Funded taxis home from late shifts
His apologies and retributions
A one off payment of thanks for previously housing a locum (I didn't ask for this, and I suspect it's pittence of hush money wrapped up in a 'we (hr) aren't saying sorry bow' but hey, I'll take it)
The right to come back to this at any point in the next 2 years if it's caused any unforeseen issues not yet felt.
I was offered the rest of the week off paid but I've done nothing wrong to hide away from and if I go away it makes me look like I am wrong.

I haven't signed anything yet to agree this can be put to bed because I want to see how things play out in the next day or two. HR said that's fine.

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 05/07/2022 12:29

Good on the idiot mans wife for laying into him. How do you feel about his apology and what has been offered so far?

Changedmynamefor · 05/07/2022 12:32

Wow, that all sounds far above and beyond what I was expecting to happen. They must be really shitting themselves (manager AND HR).

All seems reasonable to me, can't see anything else that they could offer other than moving him so you don't have to work with him any longer, if that was something you wanted to think about?

LookItsMeAgain · 05/07/2022 12:32

What if anything has your union rep advised you to do at this point @Myhousemyrules22 ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/07/2022 12:35

Sounds like a good result and he does really understand what he's done wrong.

Triffid1 · 05/07/2022 12:36

Nice! My guess is that on top of the accusations of you being racist and sexist which are clearly totally not okay, the fact that he attempted to force you to take someone into your home is a huge red flag for HR and sounds like they are rightly horrified by his attitude.

WeAreBob · 05/07/2022 12:38

It doesn't sound like he actually understands that what he asked for was totally not OK, no matter what.

If you were Male, ir the locum female, it sounds like he would still expect you to take them in. He is only reacting to the fact that you're a lone female being asked to welcome an unknown man.

Does he fully understand that he cannot pressure staff or bully staff into accepting anyone into their home, regardless of sex?

Onlyhuman123 · 05/07/2022 12:44

Well that resolution is far more than I expected you'd get...which could indicate that they are seriously worried about how far you could take this. I'm glad his wife laid into him and HR have taken this so seriously OP(shame it took other people to point out his shameful behaviour).

As you say, take time to absorb what they are offering and refer to your Union Rep; that's what they are there for. Perhaps you could get further guidance using the free advice line you should have as being a Union member?

More importantly, it's for you to decide as to whether you feel that you are able to continue working for this individual.

Johnnysgirl · 05/07/2022 12:46

letter of apology that pretty much tells me how he's a dumb man who has no idea about how it is to have a vagina
Not sure I get this? It's not just the fact that he expected you to take a man into your house at his request, isn't?
It's the fact that he made such a request at all. Man, woman or child; it hardly makes a difference?

AchatAVendre · 05/07/2022 13:14

Well, HR must have rightly recognised that you would have had a near watertight and highly embarrassing case against them for constructive dismissal or possibly a sex discrimination claim if they hadn't sorted this out.

I know employment rights are being eroded a bit in the UK, but seriously being expected to give up the privacy of your own home to house random male workers on the command of a manager as an expected part of your job?

I don't think there is an amount someone could actually be paid to make that worthwhile.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/07/2022 13:20

Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 14:18

They can't insist but they're effectively trying to bully me into allowing it. I've emailed HR and copied in his manager (who works over multiple sites and isn't here today) and my union rep.

Its my house, I own it/pay the mortgage.

I appreciate the manager is desperate. Our department is on its knees through short staffing and rentals round here are currently in short supply. But that's not my problem. Its not so much the initial asking. I like to help people and yes the room is empty. Its the things he's then said about me for saying no that's infuriated me.

I know I'm not in the wrong. I suspect I'll have a very big apology by the end of the day.

Show quote history

Did you get your well deserved apology OP?

madasawethen · 05/07/2022 13:21

Turns out manager went home and told his wife who has proper laid into him (they have two young teenage daughters). He's come in with flowers and a personal letter of apology that pretty much tells me how he's a dumb man who has no idea about how it is to have a vagina

How shockingly inappropriate! He STILL does not get it.
Needed his wife to tell a grown man he is wrong. Brings you flowers. Speaking about not having a vagina.

He would not have dared write that to a man nor have brought a man in flowers as an apology. Inappropriate and sexist.

He needs to be sacked.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 05/07/2022 13:23

Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 14:18

They can't insist but they're effectively trying to bully me into allowing it. I've emailed HR and copied in his manager (who works over multiple sites and isn't here today) and my union rep.

Its my house, I own it/pay the mortgage.

I appreciate the manager is desperate. Our department is on its knees through short staffing and rentals round here are currently in short supply. But that's not my problem. Its not so much the initial asking. I like to help people and yes the room is empty. Its the things he's then said about me for saying no that's infuriated me.

I know I'm not in the wrong. I suspect I'll have a very big apology by the end of the day.

Show quote history

well done there's a huge difference between you offering to share with the previous colleague you know well and your manager asking you to share with a stranger. The bullying accusations suggesting that no wasn't a reasonable answer and needed to be justified to your managers satisfaction is in my opinion a serious issue.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 05/07/2022 13:29

Threepeonies · 04/07/2022 16:08

I would be inclined to say your manager is sexist for assuming its a woman's job to host a locum

The fact he views women as 'support humans' seems pretty evident.

Parpophone · 05/07/2022 13:32

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone Did you get your well deserved apology OP?

OP updated an hour before your post.

BadNomad · 05/07/2022 13:37

tells me how he's a dumb man who has no idea about how it is to have a vagina

It's not his lack of vagina that is the problem. But he's never going to get that. He'd need a brain for that.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/07/2022 13:39

Parpophone · 05/07/2022 13:32

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone Did you get your well deserved apology OP?

OP updated an hour before your post.

Thanks, i went for lunch and left open before replying so mustnt have refreshed

Newestname002 · 05/07/2022 13:46

@Myhousemyrules22

^A formal written apology
A statement to the department
He has to undergo some in-house diversity training, something about bullying as well as an out of house program in management.^

Glad he's beginning to get an inkling that he has been monumentally unprofessional and sexist at the very least, OP. Shame it took another woman (his wife) to make him really see the error of his accusations- and in public, too. I wonder if she suggested how she and their daughters would react if they'd been out in the position he put you in.

Also, yes, take your time in deciding what you wish to do next. Particularly continuing with him as your manager. He's really just covering himself, isn't he, now he's recognising - with assistance from others - how his own actions will now affect him.

Additionally, I hope HR, or whoever else is responsible (not just him) sends out a company-wide reminder of the company's policy (with an attached copy) on personal and corporate responsibility regarding bullying and the consequences of those behaving in this fashion. 🌹

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 05/07/2022 13:46

That's a good outcome OP, and the fact they offered it all off the bat seems to me they're terrified of what you could do.

Newestname002 · 05/07/2022 13:47

@Myhousemyrules22

^A formal written apology
A statement to the department
He has to undergo some in-house diversity training, something about bullying as well as an out of house program in management.^

Glad he's beginning to get an inkling that he has been monumentally unprofessional and sexist at the very least, OP. Shame it took another woman (his wife) to make him really see the error of his accusations- and in public, too. I wonder if she suggested how she and their daughters would react if they'd been out in the position he put you in.

Also, yes, take your time in deciding what you wish to do next. Particularly continuing with him as your manager. He's really just covering himself, isn't he, now he's recognising - with assistance from others - how his own actions will now affect him.

Additionally, I hope HR, or whoever else is responsible (not just him) sends out a company-wide reminder of the company's policy (with an attached copy) on personal and corporate responsibility regarding bullying and the consequences of those behaving in this fashion. 🌹

gogogadgetgo · 05/07/2022 14:08

I don't get what the vagina bit has to do with it.

If you were a bloke it'd be okay to force you into taking him in?

Or if it was another woman it would be fine?

How about it's my property and I'll only have people I want to in my house?

I would also ask what's happening with the fact he made it public. Have you mentioned the comments you got from other team members? Frankly I would.

But glad it's been taken seriously.

GabriellaMontez · 05/07/2022 15:18

I'm so glad your company took it seriously. Outrageous bullying behaviour.

purplecorkheart · 05/07/2022 15:34

madasawethen · 05/07/2022 13:21

Turns out manager went home and told his wife who has proper laid into him (they have two young teenage daughters). He's come in with flowers and a personal letter of apology that pretty much tells me how he's a dumb man who has no idea about how it is to have a vagina

How shockingly inappropriate! He STILL does not get it.
Needed his wife to tell a grown man he is wrong. Brings you flowers. Speaking about not having a vagina.

He would not have dared write that to a man nor have brought a man in flowers as an apology. Inappropriate and sexist.

He needs to be sacked.

I agree. To be honest he sounds like he is covering his ass and putting on a show for HR. The flowers and the no idea about what it is to have a vagina speaks volumes. I think he is worried about his job rather than you. if it was male workmate who complained him, he would not be bring flowers, telling about his wife's reaction. I assure you he was not crying all night either.