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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say No to a stranger

235 replies

Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 13:52

Firstly, I know I am not being unreasonable, I just need a rant and a whinge.

My manager has asked me to house one of our new locums and has accused me of being racists and sexist for saying no. Their race is not amongst any of the reasons I'm refusing but I'm furious it's been insinuated.

I previously had a different locum stay with me. They stayed 2 weeks, only Monday to Friday. I'd already worked with the woman for a year, built up a great rapport and friendship and she asked me as a favour as she had some temporary transport issues.

The new locum I met at 9.30 this morning. He is looking for a long term room to let (6-12 months). He's already said something that makes me think he's not someone I would like to be more than civil colleagues with.

My male manager has accused me of being racists because this new locum is of BME origin. The fact is he is a strange man and as a woman living otherwise alone I wouldn't feel comfortable. This then led to me being told I'm sexist (because I've previously agreed to my female colleague stay).

My house is my home. Surely I get to decide who stays without being accused of bigotry.

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 04/07/2022 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You need to calm down.

marmalade32 · 04/07/2022 18:12

People who say she's lying and NHS managers wouldn't dare say that.. I work for an emergency service and the fuckery that goes on you wouldn't believe. Some higher Ups are stupid and stuck in the dark ages and that's being kind . I fully believe it would go on. I've experienced and witnessed similar myself in my 20 years

Newestname002 · 04/07/2022 18:17

ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/07/2022 17:39

This is almost unbelievable.

I don't care if you live in a mansion with 20 spare rooms and an armed security tram onsite.

It is firstly outrageous to even ask you to accommodate anyone.

Your refusal should have been a devoted without question or any further commentary.

To accuse you if racism/sexism/lack of consideration etc. is completely unprofessional and defamatory.

I hope he gets his ass handed to him.

You could actually have a very strong constructive dismissal case of you find yourself unable to work for this man given the situation.

I really agree with this.

I really hope, OP, that when you get back to the office he really HAS "disappeared", that you get a written acknowledgment that your manager's behaviour was outrageous and that you get an apology. 🌹

TheWernethWife · 04/07/2022 18:29

I'd consider getting the thread zapped OP in case HR come out of their meeting pop on mumsnet for some entertaining reading and recognise this as being about your manager and workplace.

And your point is?

madasawethen · 04/07/2022 18:37

I hope it turns out ok for you OP.
What he did really is so offensive, I would have fired him.

Be sure to put it his bosses ear you'd like to be considered for his job if it's certain he's going to get the ax. There are likely others who would be glad to be rid of him.

APrickleOfHedgehogs · 04/07/2022 18:38

@TheWernethWife companies often have staff agree to a social media policy that can mean not publicly posting stuff online (even anonymously) that could damage the company's reputation if it can be attributed to the OP.

Johnnysgirl · 04/07/2022 18:39

TheWernethWife · 04/07/2022 18:29

I'd consider getting the thread zapped OP in case HR come out of their meeting pop on mumsnet for some entertaining reading and recognise this as being about your manager and workplace.

And your point is?

The point is perfectly clear, don't be a wally...

blubberyboo · 04/07/2022 18:43

@TheWernethWife

the place of employment hasn’t been named and OP hasn’t discussed with any colleagues so there’s nothing for them to say about it

blubberyboo · 04/07/2022 18:45

@Johnnysgirl meant to reply to you not @TheWernethWife sorry

Lunarpsychobitch · 04/07/2022 18:47

Glad you complained, this is unacceptable from any manager.

Lemonyfuckit · 04/07/2022 18:50

Absolutely outrageous behaviour from your manager OP. I hope they deal with this appropriately, please do let us know how it gets resolved.

AllTheDancers · 04/07/2022 18:57

This is appalling but sadly not entirely surprising within the NHS.

The OP is clearly covered under the Equality Act and employment law. Its a breach of her human rights to privacy and to her own right to enjoy her private property.

How one earth is this identifiable enough to cause the OP problems? The problem would only be if it were clearly identifiable to posters such as me. Which it isn't. At all. Not even slightly.

Whereas there is quite a public interest in making these issues known anonymously.

Original poster
Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 19:41

Sorry for the delayed reply. Once home I got a phonecall from his manager.

Apologised for it being out of work hours but didn't want me sweating until morning. Basically I will go straight to HR in the morning to draft a written statement of what was said, I'm allowed to bring my union rep (I've already called them and they'll be there with bells on). I am being believed and understood, its just to formalise the case to make reformative action.

After a discussion with my union rep, I'm going to push for an apology in writing but also read aloud in front of colleagues since his accusations were made in front of colleagues. (She did joke about making him sign over his car to me as compensation, at least I think it was a joke...)

Its been a tough afternoon, doubting myself and whether I am *-ist in any way and a couple of unfunny comments from colleagues.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/07/2022 19:46

You are not 'ist' in any way, and thank you so much for standing up to this Grade A not so much of a prize.

I imagine it's been quite a refreshing and educational experience for HR, management, and the person that brought this on himself.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/07/2022 19:48

Well done for acting promptly.

HangOnToYourself · 04/07/2022 19:50

Myhousemyrules22 · 04/07/2022 19:41

Sorry for the delayed reply. Once home I got a phonecall from his manager.

Apologised for it being out of work hours but didn't want me sweating until morning. Basically I will go straight to HR in the morning to draft a written statement of what was said, I'm allowed to bring my union rep (I've already called them and they'll be there with bells on). I am being believed and understood, its just to formalise the case to make reformative action.

After a discussion with my union rep, I'm going to push for an apology in writing but also read aloud in front of colleagues since his accusations were made in front of colleagues. (She did joke about making him sign over his car to me as compensation, at least I think it was a joke...)

Its been a tough afternoon, doubting myself and whether I am *-ist in any way and a couple of unfunny comments from colleagues.

Glad to hear it's been taking so seriously, you should never have been put in this position in the first place.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 04/07/2022 19:52

If not wanting a strange man (or any man strange or otherwise) in my house makes me sexist well then I'd be happy with that label.

Can you get your manager to explain why he wouldn't host the person?

Newestname002 · 04/07/2022 20:01

@Myhousemyrules22

I'm glad you've had a positive response from HR and your (idiotic, bullying) manager's manager. Glad they've moved so quickly. I hope that, afterwards, they send out an email re-emphasising the policy around bullying.

Shame about this though..

Its been a tough afternoon, doubting myself and whether I am -ist in any way and a couple of unfunny comments from colleagues.*

Perhaps one of them could volunteer to take in this new locum for a year... Onwards and upwards! 🌹

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 20:44

So you have been slandered in your work place in front of witnesses?

This is so serious OP.

You do not have to agree to any corrective/restorative action in the meeting tomorrow.

Let HR do all the talking and put things in writing to you.

How are you to be protected from this man?

How are you to be kept safe in your working environment?

I can't imagine how humiliating it must have been for him to slander you in front of your colleagues.

Reserve judgement on what assurances they try and give you.

But make sure they put everything in writing.

Shit happens and the victims get managed out, even though they did nothing wrong.

Be proactive in protecting yourself with an eye to as much as possible being written down for future use.

billy1966 · 04/07/2022 20:47

Do you think for a moment he would have demanded this of a male subordinate? .......and slandered him for saying No?

His actions have been hugely discriminatory towards you.

Cherrysoup · 04/07/2022 20:52

Your manager is disgraceful. I hope he gets a full on disciplinary against him. How dare he try to force you to have a strange man live at your house? Disgusting behaviour, pure bullying.

Changedmynamefor · 04/07/2022 21:04

@billy1966 ’s post is perfect. I would agree about not committing to any outcome tomorrow - go away and discuss it with your union rep and consider whether it meets your requirements. My priorities would be a full, public apology, and how you are kept safe in future. If they expect you to continue working together how would you feel about that?

isadoradancing123 · 04/07/2022 21:20

Well if it is the NHS i would not be surprised at all, bullying is rife in the nhs

RedCardigan · 04/07/2022 22:38

I hope they take statements as well from everyone who overheard what he said to you.
I hope you rep has a great time on your behalf at the meeting tomorrow.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/07/2022 22:42

Yes, that was an excellent post from billy1966. They seem to be handling it well so far, but do remember you're the injured party here and that any resolution - including future working arrangements - has to be satisfactory to you personally, rather than a huge fuss being made for appearance's sake and then the following action watered down

I especially like your rep's suggestion of making him apologise in front of all who heard it (though no doubt he'll resist that) and whatever the "unfunny" remarks from colleagues were, you might need to remind them that this isn't anything to laugh about