Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Sorry but this thread is ridiculous. Exactly how old are you that you cannot bear to have a conversation in the kitchen with your daughter?- 90? I was expecting you to say she's smoking weed constantly or playing thrash metal music all day long.

I wonder what the responses would be if this scenario was reversed and when you are old and frail and need help from her and she posts how irritating and burdensome and elderly you are.....

id be heartbroken if my mum thought this about me, no advice OP but don’t make the mistake of shutting her off and wonder why in the future she doesn’t want a relationship. You need to adjust, and fast.

Is this even a real post? I understand mild irritation at your routines being disrupted-but the kind of irritation that simply warrants a private eye roll-not coming onto mumsnet and complaining that your daughter wants to spend some time with her mum. You are absolutely being unreasonable. You’re not a mum until they turn 18. You’re a mum for life, and right now your daughter is at the very beginning of her working life and could probably do with some support from her mum, rather than being made to feel like she’s in the way. I actually refuse to believe this is even a real post

Are you medicated OP? I have ADHD and before I was medicated, I struggled to cook one meal at a time without skipping ingredients or missing out a step or two. But since I started taking Elvanse, I've been known to batch cook 3 meals at the same time and they came out perfect. But I am also one of these people with ADHD who needs routine, but also despises it and rebels against it.

I know a change in routine is hard, but you managed it when you gave birth, you managed it as your daughter got older, you managed it when she left, and you will be able to manage it now she's back home again.

I don't know if you're an older parent (possibly in your 60s), because my parents are an awful lot like this. If you try and ask them to do something on a Sunday, you'd think you were asking them to lasso the moon and serve it to me on a silver platter.

Assuming you're batch cooking once a week, just be honest and say that you would rather be left alone to crack on, but make sure you offer an alternative, like having lunch together, or sharing some other activity.

She'll soon pick up on your feelings and feel like she isn't welcome in her own home if you don't pull yourself out of your comfort zone, and then you'll be wondering why you never see her anymore.

What happens when the OP is elderly and requires help? I guess the daughter HAS to help her then though right?

She's not welcome in her home now but come the time when the OP is old and requires help, presumably you'll be frothing at the mouth if she isnt going round helping her?

The hypocrisy lol

I find your post really sad. Im dreading the day my dd goes to uni. I really wouldn't complain about her wanting to chat and spend time with me, especially after so many have been apart this last couple of years due to the pandemic.

Is it because some parents think that when their legal responsibility to their children is over, all contact should be initiated by them only? That adult children returning to the parental home are a bit of a nuisance?

By father thought a bit like this and hence I didn't really feel welcome coming home for holidays during uni. He died alone because I was away working abroad and my mother was away on holiday alone to get a break from him.

I later worked out that he had only left home at the age of 25 when he got married to my mother and they moved into their first home together!

Its even more unfair now, because everyone knows how expensive rents and house prices are now and how much older people are when they get married. But yes, not very welcoming to your daughter and I'm sure she is picking up on it.

as long as she isn't trying to cook breakfast at the same time that you are already in the middle of batch cooking, and she clears the kitchen up when she has finished, I don't really see the problem.
What sort of complicated recipes are you making that you can't have a conversation at the same time? If you're super-forgetful, weight the ingredients out before you start - if there's something left over, you forgot to put it in.

DS came back home after 4 years at Uni. We were also used to it just being the 2 of us. The first 8 months were difficult as to start with he was finishing off his dissertation and keeping 'student' hours ie in bed until lunchtime, showered and dressed mid afternoon, awake until 2.00am. Then he got a pt job working evenings. So often he was cooking his dinner before I started cooking ours. He worked until gone midnight so we were woken up by him coming home.
Thankfully after 8 months he found a FT job 9-5 so he now operates in the same time zone as we do plus I have my house back in the daytime. Cooking is done by each of us in turn or sometimes as a team but we all eat the same thing at the same time so kitchen harmony has been restored.
DS is saving up to move out but it will be a while yet, but he's keen to have his own place so I know it won't be forever. I just keep telling myself that!

I have adhd and really struggle when out of routine. I burn pans on a good day , without distraction.
Ask your daughter to help with the batch cooking, so that you are doing the recipe together - or ask her to do some of it as her contribution to the household.

Do some fun things together. Days out, dinner and drinks in a restaurant, trip to the coast. It will help revive your bond.

OP can feel however she feels, for goodness' sake.

She has taken her daughter in, she is looking after her and not (presumably) browbeating her. It's unrealistic to think all parents feel gushing unconditional love every minute of every day for their children, and totally counerproductive to try and guilt someone into feeling love when they are actually feeling anger/resentment/discomfort.

OP, I am wondering if you struggle to articulate your feelings and draw clear boundaries? Would being more assertive help? Are you able to be honest with yourself when you are feeling unhappy? Are you able to be honest with your daughter? Whatever you are feeling is okay.

Are you asking for help with how to feel, or help with what actions to take?

Oh OP. My dd has been home from Uni since last year. To be fair she missed two or three terms away because of Covid so had a wrecked uni experience really. She's 24 - had a gap year and repeated year of 6th form due to undiagnosed ADHD. It was a difficult time.

She is very untidy and that does my head in. I can't remember the number of times I've told her to put her pyjamas in the linen basket and to wipe the kitchen counter when she's finished cooking. But she's wonderful and we are so proud of her.

She has been working since last September and has really got herself I to a routine. Can your dd not get a part-time job at least?

Can dd cook one night a week?
Could you have a simple high tea one day a week?
Can you have something easy peasy once a week - shop bought fishcakes, chips and peas or omelette, beans and bread and butter.
Ring-fence your reading time and send your dd to the shop?
Talk to her. Love her. Welcome her.
My mother and step said when I went home for a month before starting work that they'd got used to my routine and I wasn't part of it. That was 41 years ago - we do not have a good relationship.
Also, can you and dh not get out and do some stuff: Tuesday cinema, walking group, book club, etc.
I guess it helps that dh and I are still working. Early 60s.
DS will never come home again. He's getting married in September. I miss him.

God this is sad. I couldn't imagine ever feeling like this with my daughter.

Your daughter sounds lovely. Be bloody grateful she's not drinking and having parties in your house and expecting you to cook her food.

Be grateful for what you've got. Or she will soon get the message and go. (What I did..)

I actually feel for her. Just because you want to batch cook and read a book!? Maybe actually spark a conversation or suggest to do something with her. Poor girl imagine if she knew you'd written a thread about her.

I think I understand this to some extent. DD (24) was away at university and has been back living with me for three years, obviously over lockdowns during this time or she might have moved out. The household has always been just the two of us, we are close but as adult women we needed to create space that worked for us both.

We both work full time, which obviously helps. I largely work from home, she doesn't. We buy and cook meals separately, partly taste preference and partly timing. I go to bed and get up a couple of hours earlier than she does; again this just suits us both. In terms of cleanliness and tidiness, I have to bite my tongue because she verges on OCD with it, but I choose my battles and tell her not to tidy my things away to places I can't find them (although every single drawer is labelled ...).

It took a while to get to this point but we respect each others' need for space (we live in a flat), and that we could easily irritate the other if we didn't have boundaries. I love her living here but equally will be happy when she finds somewhere to move into with friends.

I think that if you can compromise with your DD, you may find that you enjoy her company and miss her when she moves on, as she undoubtedly will.

Woe betide any woman wanting to do something for herself, I mean what a selfish bitch, she chose to have children, she should be bloody grateful her dd isn't a drunk/addict/insert value judgement on choice, she should be grateful her adult children want to talk to her, fuck her feelings and the fact she is posting for help to navigate this change in her life
.

Gosh this place depresses me sometimes.

I agree. Imagine if the daughter was on here saying "Ive got to look after my elderly mother- she keeps coming into the kitchen trying to chat to me- she's so annoying and I cant wait for her to leave"

Be careful what you wish for OP- your daughter will soon pick up on your miserable attitude and that will be the last you'll ever see of her. I wonder how you'll feel then (happy I expect).

Why does it?

If the OP and her DH are happy with it (and their DD will likely move out again when she gets a job) why can't they live their lives the way they want?

Yes, they have to adapt when it's not just them but when she's gone again they can live how they damn well like. It's not up to anyone else to tell them they're wrong

If you've got ADHD, might she have the same thing (but with a different set of most annoying symptoms - obliviousness to someone else being too busy to chat could well be one)? Now is a good time for her to persue a diagnosis, if she doesn't already have one and to take a look at Access to Work funding for when she finds a job.

Leaving university can be a difficult time - lots of support structures are lost / change and money can be tight. It's worth her considering - how to stay in touch with friends / finding a counsellor / considering if she's depressed and seeing a GP.

For you, I think routine tweaking is worth trying - maybe incorporate a walk or a bike ride or a car journey into some days of the week, so you have guaranteed alone time. No, it's not the same as alone time in your house, but whilst its summery, it's maybe worth a try.

One of the things I've thought about since the first lockdown is about how to manage many people in the same small space and one obvious thing to try is for each member of the household to go out for a walk/bike ride/car trip alone at different times of the day. Would she be up for a routine that incorporates going out at a regular time some days of the week (to the library / a shop / just for a walk)? Does she need help creating a routine for herself? You're probably not best placed to help, but this is the sort of thing a ADHD mentor type person could help with. Does she have local friends? Would she be interested in organised activities locally eg. volunteering for a charity / joining a book club or similar?

www.ukaan.org/support-groups might help - if there are any groups close to you for you attend together or encourage her to attend elements of the groups aimed at partners/relatives, so she can speak with other people who live with people who have specific needs for quiet in order to focus etc.

I'd be explicit that you need to be able to batch cook alone for disability reasons [and maybe money saving reasons] but offer her specific times when you're free for conversation [remember one of the other ADHD things being rejection sensitive dysphoira]. An alternative is the two of you learn how to batch cook together effectively.

Think about things you can do to improve the house to reduce the sound carrying - this might be as simple as hanging curtains against some of the walls or a complex building project. I suppose noise cancelling headphones are worth looking at for both of you. Making sure there's some space at home each of you can call your own is important. I think it's worth planning for your daughter to be living with you for some years, given the state of the economy - it's worth considering moving house and/or building work to make more space if you own the house. A shed / summer house / other outbuilding type thing in the garden might help.

OP you say ‘we’ so is your husband the same?

Wrong in every way

Well exactly, but I would amend this to woe betide any late middle aged woman wanting to do anything for herself.

Young adults are apparently entitled to do whatever they want and their DMs should be so grateful for their mere presence that they should ignore kitchen mess ( oh wait not ignore but tidy up silently and acceptingly) and subjugate any perfectly normal habits such as solo cooking lest the DD feel in any way rejected.

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here. I know you don't want to change the locks and I can understand why but your son is beyond the pale.

@Smileyaxolotl1

im sure her daughter isn’t as highly strung and egotistical as that

plus she probs wouldn’t be happy if there was no meal on the table in the evening cos OP hasn’t been able to cook!