Page 11 | Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

Superdoopas · 2022-07-03T16:24:15+00:00

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays. We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven. Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt. For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative. Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat. She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day. Little routines that I love. She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled. She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt. Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 08:40

If this situation was the other way round…

and it was the daughter who had ADHD and OP kept trying to talk to her during tasks which was making it more difficult for her then everyone would be up in arms to tell the Op that she was being inconsiderate to her daughters needs, self absorbed, etc!

WHY why is it when a woman is a mother that she ceases to have needs and wants of her own and everyone else can just trample over them?!

Worse still that woman is expected to do it with a beatific, indulgent smile on her face!

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 08:46

I don't get how the op is getting so bashed here;op YANBU. When peoples' children leave and they get the house to themselves this is totally normal. You become set in your ways and other people interfere with that dynamic.

I am 36 and having to live with my parents after 17 years away due to an illness. It's terrible for them as they'd their family raised and were enjoying their golden years together but with my illness I've no choice for now.

thing47 · 04/07/2022 08:51

@LuckySantangelo35 your view that it is the parents' house but not the daughter's is really quite strange. If it's the house where she spent much of her childhood growing up in, then surely it's her home too?

My 20something DCs still come and live at home from time to time (in between periods of renting their own places, or studying away). They will always be welcome because, you know, they are my children and it's their home.

rookiemere · 04/07/2022 08:51

Exactly @LuckySantangelo35 if it was an OP complaining about ILs for example, the thread would be full of coping strategies and sympathy, particularly if they had decided to make their own cooked breakfast in between meal times.

But apparently young adults are unable to demonstrate any form of impulse control and it is vital that their DM ( not sure if DF also required to do this) be available to listen to them 24/7. Fair enough I do this for my teenager as genuinely his adult brain isn't fully formed.

But someone who has left uni should be able to understand that DM needs a bit of alone time in the kitchen each day, and if you get up late it's maybe not ideal to start cooking a full breakfast when the kitchen is spotless. Or maybe I should let the breakfast thing go, it is a bit of a trigger point as it's exactly what my you g adult nephew does on holiday and the hob and sides of the cooker are fat spattered and there are crumbs all over the counter- perhaps the OPs DD does tidy up after herself.
It is her DPs home, not a flat share and it sounds like her DM is trying her best to adapt or she wouldn't have posted.

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 08:57

My 20something DCs still come and live at home from time to time (in between periods of renting their own places, or studying away). They will always be welcome because, you know, they are my children and it's their home

easy to say with short time stays;if one or 2 of them came back long term you might feel different.

BellePeppa · 04/07/2022 08:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 08:40

If this situation was the other way round…

and it was the daughter who had ADHD and OP kept trying to talk to her during tasks which was making it more difficult for her then everyone would be up in arms to tell the Op that she was being inconsiderate to her daughters needs, self absorbed, etc!

WHY why is it when a woman is a mother that she ceases to have needs and wants of her own and everyone else can just trample over them?!

Worse still that woman is expected to do it with a beatific, indulgent smile on her face!

She never mentioned in her OP she had ADHD, it would have been helpful had she.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 09:03

thing47 · 04/07/2022 08:51

@LuckySantangelo35 your view that it is the parents' house but not the daughter's is really quite strange. If it's the house where she spent much of her childhood growing up in, then surely it's her home too?

My 20something DCs still come and live at home from time to time (in between periods of renting their own places, or studying away). They will always be welcome because, you know, they are my children and it's their home.

@thing47

Its not their home though is it?

Did they buy it? Is their name on the mortgage? No! So it’s not their home is it.

Where does this infantilisation end? When your son or daughter buys their own house is your house still their home?? No.

Children grow up and become independent and have their own home away from where they grew up (or they should). And that’s normal and natural and a positive thing.

CousinKrispy · 04/07/2022 09:15

I can understand where you're coming from, OP. I know it's hard as a parent to balance between "I may have so few opportunities to just chat to her and be around her in the future" and "I just need some quiet time!!"

I hope you can find the right balance. I'd give anything to be able to hang out with my mum again (she died a few years ago and I'd been living far away from her for a long time before that).

Have you tried being really honest with your daughter about your needs? Don't approach it as "You are interrupting me and it's annoying." Approach it as "I've come to realize how introverted I am and that I need quiet time on my own every day to feel OK. At the same time, I love you and I love having you around and getting to talk with you. How can we together on this while you're staying with us?"

I mean, I realize it sounds a bit po-faced, but it's either that or just suck it up.

Also create times when you can be on your own, can you go out for a walk? Does your daughter have times when she's out of the house and you can relax and have that quiet time, can you just take advantage of those oases?

Like other phases in parenting, this too shall pass :-)

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 09:16

Children grow up and become independent and have their own home away from where they grew up (or they should). And that’s normal and natural and a positive thing

this and and I think so many on this thread don't understand that yet as their kids are still kids;they will reach a stage where they will totally emphasize with the op.

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 09:22

Look am admitting I have got set in my ways. I am actually saying i am wrong and looking for pointers

You aren't wrong at all, my mum tells me sometimes she is reading and wants quiet time, I don't feel offended. We are both adults and it is her house;she can do whatever she wants in her own house and I'm her 36 yo guest so will comply.

maryleboneym · 04/07/2022 09:22

I have one DD and she's still really young but im dreading the day she leaves us

Cherish these days before she moves out forever

eldora · 04/07/2022 09:24

maryleboneym · 04/07/2022 09:22

I have one DD and she's still really young but im dreading the day she leaves us

Cherish these days before she moves out forever

It's quite arrogant of you to give this advice to a woman wo has succcessfully raised her children into adulthood.

Come back in 20 years time.

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 09:25

*I have one DD and she's still really young but im dreading the day she leaves us

Cherish these days before she moves out forever*

many parents will say this but time will ultimately change this view. Come back in 20 years time and say you want her back.

PearlClutch · 04/07/2022 09:34

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 09:16

Children grow up and become independent and have their own home away from where they grew up (or they should). And that’s normal and natural and a positive thing

this and and I think so many on this thread don't understand that yet as their kids are still kids;they will reach a stage where they will totally emphasize with the op.

Yep: once a child has become an adult and left home, they are responsible for themselves, in the usual course of things.

I do know people who call their parents' homes 'home' - even in their thirties/forties, when they've bought their own house and had their own children. It seems they consider their 'real' home is with their parents.

AnnieMill · 04/07/2022 09:41

Do you think maybe DD took part in so many summer programs because she already knows you resent having her at home?

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 09:48

maryleboneym · 04/07/2022 09:22

I have one DD and she's still really young but im dreading the day she leaves us

Cherish these days before she moves out forever

@maryleboneym

youll change how you feel! Wait until the teen stages etc you’ll be looking toward to the day when your house is your own again and you’re not just ‘’mum” etc

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 09:49

AnnieMill · 04/07/2022 09:41

Do you think maybe DD took part in so many summer programs because she already knows you resent having her at home?

@AnnieMill

oh get a grip! Op doesn’t sound as if she resents her daughter at all, more that she would find it hard to organise her entire home and domestic routine around her - and why should she?!

thing47 · 04/07/2022 09:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/07/2022 09:03

@thing47

Its not their home though is it?

Did they buy it? Is their name on the mortgage? No! So it’s not their home is it.

Where does this infantilisation end? When your son or daughter buys their own house is your house still their home?? No.

Children grow up and become independent and have their own home away from where they grew up (or they should). And that’s normal and natural and a positive thing.

Show quote history

So are you saying a house is only the home of the person who pays the mortgage? Hmm, that's an interesting take.

So in the years when I was a stay-at-home mum looking after a young family and DH was paying the entire mortgage out of his salary, it wasn't actually my home? I would beg to differ on that one.

I agree with your last paragraph, but I don't think that precludes the possibility of DCs returning from time to time in certain circumstances.

thing47 · 04/07/2022 10:00

SurfBox · 04/07/2022 08:57

My 20something DCs still come and live at home from time to time (in between periods of renting their own places, or studying away). They will always be welcome because, you know, they are my children and it's their home

easy to say with short time stays;if one or 2 of them came back long term you might feel different.

Sure, depends on what you mean by long term, though. DD2 (mid 20s) lived away for university for 4 years, has been living back with me for the past 18 months (during Masters and now working locally).

I would argue she has shown she is perfectly capable of living independently but would rather live with me for now. And I like it. YMMV, of course, we're all different.

TheDepthsOfDespair · 04/07/2022 10:04

NRTFT

sorry if it’s already been suggested but perhaps some cbt could help you to recognise patterns in your thinking around this and help you to change the thought patterns. Lots of cbt websites and apps available.

AnnieMill · 04/07/2022 10:08

I’m really not sure how else to interpret OP’s attitude at the inconvenience of having her home for a while. I know not all parents love their children and want to support them until they’re properly on their feet, but it baffles me why people who want to be left alone have kids at all.

Still, I can assure OP and any parent like them that their children will soon get the message and stop bothering them! I know I did, and it’s not something you soon forget.

You may get by on duty, but love is a relationship that must be maintained. A well loved child will check in on you in your old age regularly and do all they can to maintain your quality of life, because you’ve taught them to express love as care. A child who felt like an unwelcome burden will one day treat you the same. Expect an email link to the local care home and not much else.

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2022 10:39

How wildly off the mark to suggest that OP doesn't love her DD or that she isn't prepared to support her until she can support herself. Fortunately the last page of posts seem to have a bit more awareness of the issues that having adult children at home can bring. One of them is that you can't really tell them what to do. You can ask them and hope that they are reasonable. Otherwise you have to just suck up their untidiness or noisiness or being in your kitchen or bathroom or watching the TV when you've previously had freedom to use it when you choose. How accommodating your DC is may well determine how long they get to stay in your home - yes, your home.

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2022 10:42

What about a parent who's treated like no more than a convenience - somewhere handy to live rent free and never do any cleaning?
Children who feel unwelcome may well have behaved in a way that made them unwelcome.

DiamanteDelia · 04/07/2022 11:15

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2022 10:42

What about a parent who's treated like no more than a convenience - somewhere handy to live rent free and never do any cleaning?
Children who feel unwelcome may well have behaved in a way that made them unwelcome.

There's no suggestion that OP's daughter is like this- she describes her as lovely.

Meraas · 04/07/2022 11:26

@thing47

So are you saying a house is only the home of the person who pays the mortgage? Hmm, that's an interesting take.
So in the years when I was a stay-at-home mum looking after a young family and DH was paying the entire mortgage out of his salary, it wasn't actually my home? I would beg to differ on that one.

That's not what the poster was saying. A marriage/couple is a partnership. Children are meant to be raised and launched into the world and make their own way in life (with whatever parental support the parents see fit).

An adult child has no automatic legal right to their parents' home. If the adult calls the police, who would the police remove, the adult child or the parent who owns the home?