Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Dear me, your poor daughter. It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong ... other than existing. It's not "someone else living in your home", it's "your child living in their home!". She's only been gone 4 years! Just get over yourself and stop wishing your own (well behaved) child wasn't there.

Total misrepresentation of Ops.post.

“Woe betide any woman wanting to do something for herself, I mean what a selfish bitch, she chose to have children, she should be bloody grateful her dd isn't a drunk/addict/insert value judgement on choice, she should be grateful her adult children want to talk to her, fuck her feelings and the fact she is posting for help to navigate this change in her life
.

Gosh this place depresses me sometimes.”

TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS

Our home will always be home for my adult children.
I was asked to leave at 18, and it was made clear I wasn't welcome back.
As long as I am able I will be a safety net and a loving home to my children if they need it.

Same here. I was asked to leave ...and was never really welcome while I was there. I now have very little to do with my mother sadly. I have two daughters and I hope they always know that they will always have a home with me, whatever happens.

@UWhatNow

”you should be grateful your kids give you the time of day”

you think that’s true?! Why exactly? Op will have loved and cared for and nurtured and planned her life around her daughter for years and years. Why the fuck should OP prostate herself with gratitude just because her daughter gives her the time of day. The daughter is living in her bloody house, eating her food, using her electric and gas etc

im sorry but I simply don’t buy into this whole “you should be grateful” lark, it very much smacks of ‘Women above a certain age are worthless they should be grateful and selfless in the face of any crumbs they are given’

Goodness, this thread is dramatic and OTT.
How dare she eat a full English without paying for it the little sponger?

And?

OP objects to her speaking when she's cooking, ffs!

I was allowed to visit but god forbid I spoke over tipping point, or her reading a text, or her doing her washing.

She resented my visits and she made it clear.

Funnily enough she now wants to know why I don't visit more often.

Someone else??? It's her daughter FFS

I wouldn’t be remotely offended if my mum said she needed to concentrate on cooking and that we’d chat later

why would I be?

presumably the daughter will benefit from OP’s cooking just as much as the OP and husband

100%.

OP can do what she likes in her own house.

@hassletassle

its not her home

it’s her parents home

it’s just a temporary stop gap for her

presumably she is now looking for a job to rent or buy her own home

I’ve got ADHD too and I need to stick to my routines or everything goes haywire. NT people won’t have a clue what I mean, but I totally understand what you’re saying OP. I was the same when my daughter came back after uni and we clashed in the kitchen because she’s very messy and I’m not. Again, I have to put everything back in it’s place or I end up stressed and confusion reigns. We worked it out and I got used to a new routine.

When she moved out I was back at sixes and sevens until I found a new routine again. Then she came back and she’s still here, but this time she’s more mature and if I do all the cooking and laundry we rub along just fine.

I hope the scathing posters who have nastily told you that you don’t love your daughter haven’t upset you too much. ADHD is a pain, but if we use workarounds, we will get there in the end.

Well I don't have ADHD and still have a lot of sympathy for OP.

It seems that there is a lot of tolerance for young peoples foibles - oh it's so great she actually talks to you regardless if she know that it's not a good time , of course she must cook whatever she wants, whenever she wants in her own kitchenexcept it's not etc.etc.

Except there is no such reciprocal understanding for perfectly natural older people quirks such as wanting a clean kitchen to remain clean and having some quiet time to enjoy hobbies. In OPs case this is exacerbated by the ADHD, but overall they seem pretty requests.

OP I'd suggest you talk to your DD again and put in some boundaries like you get 2 hours of kitchen time in peace - get a sign for the door or something- and if she must have cooked breakfasts at odd times, she restores the kitchen to its natural state. In return maybe you could make a new habit together like an afternoon walk where she gets all of your attention for the time it takes.

OP didnt say her daughter left the kitchen in a mess. She merely said she wants to make breakfast AFTER the OP has "cleaned the kitchen and its good for the day" meaning she doesnt want the kitchen used after its "good for the day". She also mentioned it being annoying her daughter wants to talk to her.

Making her own breakfast and talking to her mother dont exactly sound like the crime of the century to me, nor do they indicate some kind of dysfunctional, destructive, harmful behaviour. Nor do they indicate her daughter feeling entitled to "do whatever she wants". If the daughter had expected the mother to make her breakfast for her, you'd all be shrieking that she was lazy and immature!

Do you really think making yourself breakfast and chatting with your mum = "entitlement to do whatever you want?" because if so, this is really really messed up and if that was my mother, i'd be distancing myself as soon as possible with that kind of nasty attitude over something so innocuous and normal.

She merely said she wants to make breakfast AFTER the OP has "cleaned the kitchen and its good for the day" meaning she doesnt want the kitchen used after its "good for the day".

I read this as the problem being her daughter cooking at the same time as OP wanting to clean it

Feel you OP. My daughter due home after 3 years in couple of weeks . Love her to bits but like you you get used to having set times alone etc. My daughter equally lovely but she's like a force in our house and a very intense personality. She changes the whole dynamic and loves to emotionally unload a lot of the time lol. It's hard adjusting after such a long time. No tips though sorry. Useless with it myself . Doesn't mean we don't love them, just got used to a different way of life with them out the house.

All these people whose children appear to have been away for years at a time. When ours were at uni they were at home as much, if not more than they were away, excepting Covid.

Sorry, but there’s no way to make “I get annoyed when my daughter tries to chat to me” sound anything other than bad.

All I can suggest is be happy she’s actively looking for work and keep your fingers crossed.

I'm sorry but you are being very unreasonable!

Your poor daughter. She wants to chat and spend time with you.

Some of mine were away in university at least 12 hours away by car (in the US). Even those a mere 2-3 hours away didn't come home apart from the official holidays.

Poor girl

@Mouk but OP has ADHD she is not being deliberately unwelcome, but simply cannot cook when someone is talking to her, hence when DCs were younger she did this activity when they were in bed.

The simple solution to me is the OP saying to her DD "I have ADHD which means I cannot cook and talk - you know when you were younger I used to do it at night, do you think it would be possible for the kitchen to be my zone between 3-5 but I'm always happy to talk to you at other times. " I'm not sure what's so awful about having and stating your own needs.

Or OP another solution I've just thought of, as she doesn't get up until mid morning could you do your batch cooking then so kitchen not cleaned when she cooks fry up and then it could be cleaned later preferably by DD unless expecting an adult to clean a shared space is considered child cruelty as well. ?

@ohlookout

yes, yes you’re right…poor girl

she’s been able to come and live at her parents as and when she wants and be be fed and housed at their expense. Her mother is happy to chat to her and spend time with her just not when she’s right in the middle of something.

The poor girl - I don’t know how she’ll ever recover from the trauma. She’d be well within her rights to never speak to her mother again. Oh wait except she will when she wants something

What a horrible lot of.comments. poor OP. I have my parents to stay once a year. I adore them but am happy to say goodbye as I imagine, are they. I can't believe the attacks on the OP for liking cooking and peace. Its funny how the most leftist websites are iften the most dictatorial