Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Ahh it makes complete sense that you have ADHD. I voted YANBU after reading your OP and was really surprised to see that I’m massively in the minority, but I have ASD and ADHD

I 100% get what you’re saying and NTs are largely unlikely to understand how important our routines are to us. I go into meltdown when something (literally anything) encroaches on my plans or routines and 4 years is a long time to get ‘stuck in your ways’.

P.S. I would recommend reposting this on the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board for more relevant advice

I’m a total introvert, and while I have a brilliant relationship with my adult ds, I think I’d find it hard to adjust if he moves back home post uni. I also think he’d find it hard to adjust to being back with me! (I’d absolutely welcome him, but another adult in a smallish home is obviously noticeable.)
l’d say make space to chat with her, but it’s ok to have boundaries where you make it clear you need your quiet time. For me that’s after X time at night - barring emergencies - for you it might be different.

Did your dd come home during uni holidays?

I have two late teens at home and sometimes I find the noise and mess (even though they are pretty good) a bit overwhelming, I say 'I'm going to my bedroom and getting in my PJs and watching TV'! I also have one very talkative teen and yes, there are times I think silence would be golden, only occasionally but sometimes I have to just have 10 min to myself.

I think the thing is to realise is that as much as you have to be a bit more flexible, so does she. It's her home, it's your home, it's normal to get a bit irritated or overwhelmed by each other, and you have to find a way to meet all your needs, including hers to chat and yours to have a bit of solitude.

I don't thinking of it as 'yours and husbands' home and her as a bit of an interloper will help, for now it's her home, you are not wrong to be finding it hard to adjust, but you do need to get out of the mindset that it's all 'yours' and she's the one causing the issue- all of you will have to adjust and be flexible going forward.

If you are ND and need routines, then just communicate that to your dd. Say I'm going to do this batch cooking, I do need a bit of quiet to concentrate- can we chat after that, how about lunch out? Make time for her when it suits you and then the disruption will be less.

If you are ND, she may be too and being chatty and not realising when it's a bit inappropriate can be a sign of ADHD, my ADHD daughter does it!

You sound like a bit of a misery? How old are you? I would guess in your 70s/80s from your post.

Your poor daughter, make a bit more effort to engage with her

My DF was like this when I lived at home. It was painfully lonely because he just wanted to read or do solitary things and would snap at me if I tried to talk to him.

I think it's a case of getting used to being around people/chatting again.

Set a time to do things with DD? Ask her if you can concentrate on one thing and then you'll do something together after? What about 'Sorry I'm just concentrating on this, why don't I make us some tea and we can chat when I'm finished?'

I actually feel really sorry for your daughter! You may never get this time back with her enjoy it whilst isn't lasts. Then you can batch cook in silent for the rest of your life!

Can she help you batch cook? It's lovely to have mum and DD bonding time. Could she do some things in the garden. Is there painting to be done?

Can you set aside 2 hours a day when you all do your own thing. Can you set aside w hours a day when you'reall together? Eg could you have a cinema night - you all sit together and watch a pre agreed film (or 2 episodes of an agreed series), eat popcorn (or whatever snacks) and drink soft or hard drinks with the lights off for full effect?

Could she spend time with her Dad bonding over what he likes to do?

It can't be easy for your DD. She probably feels like she's in the way....

I find the idea that a parental home belongs to the child for evermore really quite odd. Is this usual? Once you've left, that's it, you're an adult, and come back only as a guest, surely?

@PearlClutch I think it depends if the dd is living there as her home. I lived in my mum's house in my 30's once for several months between rentals! I wasn't a guest, it was my home for that time. It's the dd's home right now, she doesn't have another home, does she?

@ElizaJones

no it’s her parents house.

when I left home for uni and then came back for a year or so I very much saw it as my parents home and I was working and aiming towards buying my own home

Ok, OP, I think you need to work out the things that will make the biggest difference to you.

So - kitchen not spotless after breakfast because she cooks mid-morning? Let that one go.

But you really value batch cooking totally alone? Talk to her like the adult she is. 'hey, DD, I'm just going to go and cook for the next few hours. I really love doing that by myself, it's like I go into a peaceful little concentration bubble. So I'm sure you won't mind giving me and the kitchen a wide berth while I'm cooking. Absolutely grab anything you need though. It's the same for Dad, it's not just you!'

If she's as nice as she sounds, she'll get it and respect it.

You obviously can't have it exactly as it is when she's not living there, but you clearly know that. But you can reclaim the bits that make the most difference to you by communicating about your needs. But then you consciously need to let the rest go.

I can't believe you are complaining about your daughter chatting to you.
That's really sad.

I agree this is likely to be introvert vs extrovert judgements here. As an introvert, as much as I love my kids and enjoy them visiting, I’m also battling with sensory overload quickly. When they were younger and dependant I was totally focused on them and I was able to handle it. As adults it is harder as they often turn up with partner, and it is much more social rather than the task based stuff I did when they were younger like ferrying them around, standing on sidelines, doing crafts, changing nappies etc.

also as I have got older I simply can’t multi task in way I did…I’ve found when my adult kids visit thst I can’t cook and chat at same time. Or any other task. My female superpowers have left me and now I do one thing at a time 🤷🏼‍♀️

The AIBU pile on here is predicably judgey and narrow minded

It is to do with reframing i think, your brain catching up with reality. Write out reality as you have done here - like, "no batch cooking while my lovely dd is here, lots of talking and getting to know my lovely dd while she is here, no reading a book for hours, more socialising and going out and spending time with me dd while she is here". Then read through it about 5 times so your brain reframes and then try to think of the positives.

You know, your dd will have changed over the last few years, she is now an adult - if you had adult friends to stay would you be batch cooking and reading? Once she has a job she'll be off, then probably getting married, having kids maybe, time may become scarce. the time you put in now to opend time with her will pay dividends by creating a closeness on an adult level. The more you put in, the more you get out.

Sorry if i am repeating other people, haven't read whole thread

I understand OP.

It did not occur to me, when I went off to uni, what a huge change in lifestyle this was for my mum. I expected her and the house, how we lived, etc. to be the same when I went home. I was totally oblivious and I expect your DD is too.

It might help to have a bit of a chat with her and be explicit about this. She's still young so it probably won't sink in entirely, but it may help her to hear it anyway.

If it helps you, remind yourself this may be the last time you have with her where she's still like this. That she's going to move on shortly, get a job, somewhere to live, maybe a partner and kids down the line and she won't have time for you, you'll get much more fleeting glimpses of who she is. Much less opportunity to share with her. Less opportunity show her how your values can help her live well.

Could you incorporate her into some of your routines? Or start something up with her - whether it's house focused gardening or something or going out for a swim/coffee/art gallery trip every Thursday. Try and get into a rhythm with her, not just stick to what you were doing with her intruding into that.

And finally, if things like her cooking a full english are a problem because she's not cleaning the kitchen back to the standard you'd just left it in, have a word with her about pulling her weight properly. She should be doing more chores than she creates, not fewer.

We were perfectly happy when our two boys were at uni - no wet towels on the bannister, no midnight cooking sessions, kitchen in the morning as I left it the night before, being able to go to the bathroom without putting clothes on, sex whenever we wanted, what's not to love?

But I love having them back now they are finished at uni. I don't know how long they will be here this time, who knows where their lives will take them or how often I'll get to see them. The house is suddenly noisy and a bit chaotic again and there's always something going on. Enjoy this time before she takes off again, and remember you are 3 adults in the house now and not 2 adults and a child.

You’ll get no sympathy on here Op

lots on mumsnet seem to think that you should welcome home your offspring with open arms however old they are for however long they want to live with you and cook and clean for them and take no rent and for you to live your life and organise your house around them

you should be grateful your kids give you the time of day!
They didn’t ask to be born!
They will always be my children, this is their home!
what kind of mother are you?!
Its so hard for young people these day
All that kind of shite

Try to remember that in ten years time you will be longing to have this time back with your daughter... embrace the company and make the most of the time you have together. Instead of getting irritated, try to do things 'together' - e.g cook the breakfast. Also, talk to her about how it is important to you that things are cleaned away after etc. Communication is so important.

Bit dramatic no? OP's daughter is cooking for herself. And she hasn't mentioned cleaning up after her, plus the DD is looking for a job, not lounging about and only been there a month.

Okay, but presumably this was discussed and you had arrangements in place for rent, bills, house rules, etc, for that time.

People seem to be suggesting that its fine to turn up at a parent's house and stay at any time with no discussion of how long for, and presume to live there indefinitely, as if OP's daughter had reverted to being a child. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

My mum died in an accident when I’d just finished my A levels. She was the type of mum who would pause what she was doing to engage me. About anything really…clothes she’d seen that she thought I’d like, holidays I might like to join them on, books she thought I’d like, movies we planned to see, my studies, if I needed any help etc.

We would also drive 30 mins to go to a particular cafe to eat almond croissants.

I feel sad for your daughter that she’s such a burden to you. I always felt special, loved, important, and “at home”.

I think having ADHD possibly makes it more difficult for you to cope with change and more likely that you will become set in your ways. Maybe routine gives you a feeling of security?

Since cooking requires your full attention and DD seems to be able to manage a full English daily without burning the house down or ruining pots and frying pans, how about if you sit down and read out the ingredients and methods to DD and she does the batch cooking? You can sip a cuppa and chat as you go along. DD will learn to cook and your time in the kitchen won't cause you so much anxiety.

You can still retain some Me time to read or garden or whatever.

Since you are retired or semi retired and ypu and your H seem to be a very self contained unit, I hope you both make time for friends and activities outsude of the house. You shouldn't count on always having each other for company, sadly.

Jeez, give it a few years and she'll be long gone living in another country like me. I haven't visited my parents in three years