Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

[lunavista]

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

Fine for her to offer, fine for him to say no. End of story.

Also not sure why he would need help to look after his own child?

It seems like a strange offer to me. He's their parent, why would he need help?

I've got a lot of male friends, I'd find it very weird if they offered this.

Why would she offer to stay in the house if the man's wife doesn't approve of the friendship? Of course he would decline.

Yes, inappropriate! In so many ways. Not least because, as a pp said, why on earth should he need help with his child?

Huh?

She worded it badly.

She should have offered to babysit if he needed to go out without the child.

Otherwise as a parent regardless of sex you are expected to be capable of looking after your own child if the other parent isn't around.

Surely he is capable of looking after his own child for the weekend? Family friend or not, it's weird she saw this as a chance for a sleepover. Maybe the wife's feelings are right!

It was an inappropriate offer.

Why would he need help parenting his child?

It smacks of your colleague jumping at the chance to spend time with him in his personal space when his wife is away. I’m not surprised he was uncomfortable. His response was pretty clear and sensible.

It’s a bit of a strange thing to offer, is there some reason why he can’t cope with the child on his own? Offering to bring a cooked meal round or meet him at the park and keep him company for an hour or so would be a more appropriate thing to do. Offering to come and stay in the house is overstepping.

I think YABU and so is your friend. The wife isn't happy that your friend is texting her husband by the sound of it so if course she would not be happy for her husband and your friend to be alone at her home!

I also feel its a bit iffy that your friend texts him. They are not related. All a bit odd IMO.

If the wife doesn’t approve, rightly or wrongly, of the friendship, then it is inappropriate to be putting her in the situation where she is uncomfortable, when she should be free to be with her mum at a really difficult time. I don’t think he is a muppet, I think he made the right call.

Yes I think YABU - firstly, is there any particular reason he’d need help with his child over the weekend in his wife’s absence? Secondly, you’ve said you think the wife “doesn’t approve” of their friendship - this may be somewhat unreasonable as in my experience it can be totally fine for men and women to be great friends, but if your friend is aware his wife would be likely uncomfortable with it, why on earth would she offer to go and stay with the husband while the wife is away, at a time when the wife is clearly under a lot of stress and upset? This feels more like the friend making herself feel good by offering to help, tbh, rather than actually being sensible.

I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship

This is what makes it weird. Why would she try and insert herself into the home of a woman who disapproves of her while she's away? I don't buy your "friend's" faux innocence in this.
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It was a weird thing to offer. Why would he need someone to stay for the weekend to help with his child?
Would she have made the same offer to a woman who's husband was away?
It's extra weird if she knows the wife isn't comfortable with their friendship.

If you flip this on it’s head and it’s the mother staying with the child and a male work colleague offering to come to stay over and help it’s a fairly bizarre circumstance. I have the kids on my own often, I’m unlikely to accept offers of help from single childless men unless my husband knows them very well. But nobody ever even offers - it’s a perfectly normal thing for men to travel on business and women to hold the fort, until we stop babying these fathers who are just parenting we will never get close to equality. It shouldn’t be a big deal for a woman to go away for a few days and the father to do the heavy lifting at home.

I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship.

Sounds as if the wife already thinks your friend is eyeing up her husband.

That said, I'm in the why on earth would he need someone to help him look after his own child for the weekend. Very odd offer. Perhaps if she were a close FAMILY (not his) friend, then an offer to look after the child so the husband could travel and support his wife might have been more understandable, even if it was politely turned down.

I think he thinks she is coming on to him, and he has expressed a firm boundary.
Why on earth would he need help to look after his own child?!
I think she WAS coming on to him, actually!

Yeah - weird! Why on earth should he need a female colleague to help look after his own child? Sounds like she actually wants to spend time with him and is looking for an excuse to do this.

Does she often help with the child? If she regularly looks after the child whilst the parents are working or babysits when they are having an evening out I can understand why she might offer to help. If she doesn’t have a close relationship with the child it seems an odd thing to offer unless there’s a reason the Dad would struggle having is child on his own for a weekend (eg: work, disability).

It is a strange offer. Why would he need a woman to move in for the weekend while his wife's away? It could look like she's trying to "replace" the wife for the weekend.

If she thinks he's struggling, she could have offered to babysit for a day (not staying over, not for a whole weekend) or dropped a meal round.

If she wanted to help then surely offer to drop round a lasagna, offer to take the kid to the park for a couple of hours etc. Moving in for a weekend is pretty OTT.

Absolutely this

Has she ever helped with the child before? Or been to his house? If not, it's just a bit odd to offer. Could never ever imagine a woman in this position being offered help by a male friend.

At the end of the day though, she offered, he said no. End of. Not that big a drama. Although given your friend has said she doesn't think the wife approves of their friendship, I'd make the assumption that she loves a bit drama. He'll know her better than we do, so I'd say he's just responded normally to her in line with the situation.

Is this a reverse?

because it should be obvious that this is entirely inappropriate and frankly a bit weird.

Surely he can look after his own child for a weekend, he’s male, not helpless. So what’s her real motivation? I can see why his wife is a bit uncomfortable.

Very very weird of her. Correct response from him. Very inappropriate that she’s essentially offered to step in and take the place of the absent wife who’s only away attending to her DM?? No.