Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

[lunavista]

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

Sorry I agree with others - regardless of ‘family friend’ status that is really weird to offer to move in while the wife is away to ‘help with the child’?!

Either she’s not being truthful about her intentions towards the friend or she thinks he’s completely incompetent when it comes to his own child. Maybe it’s neither of those things, but I’m not surprised if that’s what the man friend thinks!

If this was me, as the wife, and one of DH’s colleagues asked this, I’d think- why on earth would they think he needs help looking after our children on his own? I do it all the time, as does he. It really does sound like she’s hoping for a chance to get to know him a LOT better. Completely inappropriate!

That sounds like a very nice mum thing to do whilst she's out, but most people can manage it alone

I was away Thu to Mon last week, my husband managed to not let him or the kids starve, as do I when he's away

Bit odd of her. The response from the male friend indicates he knows she doesn't pick up on hints and has possibly been trying to push the boundaries before.

Very inappropriate

The male friend wasn't being unkind at all. He was very wise and completely right to tell this "friend" that her offer was totally inappropriate. He has proper boundaries, it's a shame more people don't. This woman needed to be told how outrageous her "offer" was, quite frankly.

If her intention was to stay overnight then she was BVU.

if she just offered a bit of childminding to give him a break she should have been more explicit in what she was offering, he clearly thought she might have an agenda other than childminding.

Yes, I'd say it was inappropriate to offer. Obviously it's a tough time for the family and it's nice that your friend wanted to help but to offer to stay in the house, with the wife away was OTT. She could have offered to babysit or something instead.

It’s a really odd thing to do.

Offer to bring over some food, or babysit the children if Dad has to go out.

But to come and stay for the weekend to help him parent his own child….??

Just so weird.

As the man, I’d be really annoyed that I was being put in the position of having to say no.

She doesnt get along with the wife and she invited herself to stay over?

Im guessing she doesnt have kids of her own (as you didnt mention them and did says shes single so surely would mention her bring her kids with her if she had them) so why does she think shes more qualified to look after his kid than he is?

If she does have kids and its just a family friend relationship then she could be like 'hey do you want to join me and mini me at the the local playzone/park today?' (normal health boundries for a friendship) but not inviting yourself over out of the blue to stay at this mans house while his wife who you know doesnt like you is away.

All very bizaare... I wouldnt her in my house either.

I'm surprised that a number of posters who think that the friend could have popped a meal round instead. Why would a fully functioning adult need someone else to cook for them in a situation like this?

Ok I get it honestly I do. I didn't think of it that way because in my own experience of my colleague she has been very helpful and generous with me as well. She has looked after my plants and flat when I was away and my family couldn't. she often steps in to help me with work related stuff so I honestly didn't think broadly about it. Like I said I stand corrected. And also yeah I get it what you all mean about him being able to look after his child. Gosh I have been very naive indeed. I am going to see her at work tomorrow. Will update then of there has been more!

Looking after your plants is completely different.

Agree. It’s completely different to another nursery/ school parent suggesting the child could come to theirs for a play date so the dad could have a couple of hours break, for example.

What do you mean you have to find another approach, just tell your friend she was being inappropriate and he was well within his rights to assert his boundaries. Your friend sounds like a bunny boiling nutcase to offer to help parent his kids especially when she is aware his wife (who is dealing with some difficult things at the moment) doesn't like her.

She was wrong and I hope
my husband would say the same

The situation will resolve itself when the wife finds out about this offer, I don't think he'll be back in touch outside work.

You really are naive If you thought this was ok. You really can't see what's extremely inappropriate with this?? Good on that man for putting her in her place with firm boundaries. Poor woman, going to see her sick mum and then your over friendly wanting to come stay with offers of help. Anyone can see through that.

As long as it was a genuine offer it was kind but a bit over the top. I'd have said feel free to call me if you need anything and leave it there.

Why is he being a 'muppet'? And why on earth would he need help to look after his own child?

Fine to say 'if you need any help let me know' but that's it . Your friend overstepped the mark.

Not only inappropriate but just fucking weird.

I think it’s a weird offer, and sounds a bit ‘loaded’.

If my husband had a female friend I was a bit sus’ about, and she offered to move into my house to help my husband look after our kid the second I went to stay with a dying parent, I’d be a mixture of amused (as I trust my husband implicitly) and narked off that she thought it was a.) needed and b.) appropriate.

At least the husband can read the situation.

Think of it from the point of view of the wife.

Her mother is dying. This can be horrendous to witness and always traumatic. Her husband is looking after their child and their only contact at this time is by calls - no hugs, no bedtime routines, the approaching permanent loss of a mother and grandmother.

And then some woman says it's OK, she'll move into the house and play Mummies and Daddies with her husband?

The best outcome your 'friend' had was that he only told her that it was inappropriate, rather than to fuck right off.

Oh give over. Unkind ?? He put her in her place. Her suggestion was so inappropriate and wrong and he was actually kind to word it that way. It was clear what op friend was up to.

At least the male friend has some common sense in this scenario. Are you talking about yourself OP? I wouldn't be able to find a friend who agreed with me enough to post this to be honest.